Back In Time
by Marie of Romania
Summary: What if the Special Prize Inside of a box of Wizard Pops turns out to be a Time Turner, taking the Trio back in time? Say, to the Marauder Era? Read and find out! Harry Potter Back to the Future crossover. JPLE with a little RWHG. Rated T just 2 be safe
1. Time Turners, Tapes, and Tom Cruise

Summery: Ahhh breakfast. The time to wake up and smell the orange juice. The time to relax and fill up before another stressful day. Right? Wrong, or at least in Harry's case. What if an innocent 'Special Prize Inside' of a cereal box of 'Wizard Pops' turns out to be a Time Turner, taking Harry, Ron, and Hermione back in time? Say, back to the Marauder Era? And what happens if Ron accidentally broke the Time Turner when they got there? And what would they do if Harry inadvertently ruins his parent's chance of ever getting together; triggering a chain reaction that could unravel the very fabric of the space-time-continuum and destroying the entire universe? Or at least causing Harry Potter to never exist unless he does something about it? Read and find out! Harry Potter/Back to the Future crossover. JP/LE with a little RW/HG thrown in. Rated T just to be safe.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter (though I wish I did), Back to the Future (I wish I owned that too...), Tom Cruise (I'd really rather not own him), Hotdogs (yum), or anything else that's way too expensive for me to own.

A/N: So this is a story I wrote…basically when I was sugar-high. I do love it though. Please tell me what you think. Thanks for reading! Now onto the story!

oOoOoOo

It was a fine day at Hogwarts, School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The birds were singing, the bees were buzzing, and the Giant Squid was peacefully waving it's tentacles at oncoming birds, flying above the lake.

Almost every student had decided to enjoy the pleasant weather. There were students stretched out on the grassy shores of the lake and even splashing around in the lake, provoking the Giant Squid with house elf-made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

And under a certain Beech Tree sat three Hogwarts students enjoying the pleasurable Saturday. One of them, a boy by the name of Harry Potter, was having a rather heated argument with one of his best friends, Ron Weasley. The third, Hermione Granger, seemed to be trying very had not to roll her eyes, having stuffed her face in a very large book.

"Oh come on Ron," said Harry, clearly irritated.

"What?" Ron said heatedly, rumpling his fiery red hair in frustration. "You know that Lynch should have made a double whammy, turned over three times to get a proper triple flip, and then crossed over to a series of 360 degree loops in order to grab the Snitch!"

"No way!" replied Harry, his green eyes flashing angrily. "The proper way to do it would be to mount the broomstick, kick off to the left area of the field, and then dive into the Wronski Feint, _therefore_ seizing the Snitch!"

Hermione seemed to be turning delicate shade of pink. She tapped her finger against her book in annoyance and unable to keep quiet any longer shouted "Oh shut up the both of you! I can't concentrate while you two are screaming at the top of your lungs! I swear I'll never be able to understand Quidditch!"

"Oh, we're not talking about _Quidditch_…" said Ron mischievously.  
Hermione gazed blankly at the both of them for a few minutes and apparently decided that it was safest to return to her reading.

Harry, on the other hand, was staring incredulously at Ron. "I was talking about Quidditch. What were YOU talking about?"

Ron blushed furiously. "What! Oh…well if you have to ask…."

"Oh never mind that," Hermione interjected quickly, apparently coming out of her trance.

Harry still looked slightly shocked, but dropped the subject. "Well, I guess we'd better head down to the Great Hall for lunch."

"Yeah," said Ron, who was still a little pink. "I'm starving."

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Ooh, shocker."

"Oh shut up."

"Don't you tell me what to do Ronald!"

"I'll tell you to do whatever I want!"

"Oh, and why's that?"

"Because I'm a MAN."

"I can't _believe_ you would be so sexist!"

Harry was, unfortunately, very used to these frequent arguments about nothing and chose to ignore Ron and Hermione as they continued their fight while heading towards the castle.

As they were walking, Harry started to ponder the way nature and magic worked together to create a satisfactory Wizarding World. He pondered the ways of the evil, the good, the selfish, the stupid, Tom Cruise, and everyone in between. His mind eventually wandered towards the subject of politics and he was feeling extremely proud of himself for being so deep. He also wondered vaguely if he would get expelled for tying Hermione and Ron up and locking them in a closet so that they would learn to finally have a civilized conversation together. Harry sniggered slightly at the thought.

"What are you laughing at!" asked Hermione, clearly annoyed.

Harry thought it best not to reveal his daydreams of Ron and Hermione tied up in a small, dark closet. "Oh…nothing…"

When the trio sat down for lunch Hermione and Ron sat on either sides of Harry and ignored each other. Harry knew he was in for an uncomfortable day, but decided that it was best not to do anything about it until his two best friend's anger ebbed away.

Near the end of the day Harry's prediction came true. Part of the day was uncomfortable and a little annoying with Ron and Hermione snapping at each other. But as the sky grew dark, their irritation ebbed away and they soon found themselves relaxing peacefully in the Gryffindor Common Room. There was hardly anyone in the Common Room, and with no one within hearing distance they could talk in peace. However, they weren't doing much talking, just simply enjoying each other's company.

Hermione was reading a huge book while Harry sat and looked into the fireplace, pondering what exactly a hotdog was really made out of. Ron, on the other hand, was listening to a small walkman with his eyes closed and seemed to be concentrating very hard on what he was hearing from the walkman.

Hermione looked up at Ron and seemed to realize something.

"Ron…" started Hermione suspiciously, "What are you listening to?"

Ron suddenly awoke from his trance and looked as if he'd rather not say. "Um…a walkman?"

"Ron, electronics don't work at Hogwarts! You know that, I told you I've read it in 'Hogwarts; A History'!"

Harry looked up, interested.

"Hermione, Hermione, Hermione…" said Ron, evidently amused. "This walkman isn't electronic; it runs on batteries! Geez and I thought you were the _smart _one!"

Hermione opened her mouth as if to say something, but apparently decided against it and returned to her reading.

Harry, however, was still curious. "What _are _you listening to Ron?"

Ron blushed and mumbled "You heard; I'm listening to a walkman. I thought we had already established that."

"You know what I mean."

"Oh…well it's nothing really."

"Aww, come on, tell me!"

"No."

"Come _on_."

"No."

"You KNOW you want to…"

"_No!_"

"Please...!"

"NO!"

"Fine, if you won't tell me then I guess I'll just have to take it from you."

Harry lunged at Ron, knocking him off his chair. But Ron was ready to keep the walkman from Harry and clung on to it tightly. Harry tried to pry it from Ron's fingers, but failed. Suddenly, Harry realized that he was, in fact, a wizard and come on, I mean, what are wands for?

"_Relashio!_" shouted Harry, pointing his wand at Ron's fingers. A spurt of hot air was immediately directed at Ron's fingers.

"OW!" yelped Ron and he immediately let go of the walkman.

Harry used his seeker skills and quickly grabbed the walkman out of Ron's reach and put it on. He heard:  
_"You are a very cool person.  
You make people laugh.  
Everyone likes you.  
You are extremely smart.  
Everyone loves it when you are in the room.  
You are really hot.  
You are exceedingly good at Quidditch.  
Most people enjoy your personality.  
Your family and friends are no where near as awesome as you are."_

Harry pulled off the walkman, half disgusted and half amused. "Are these motivational tapes…!"

Hermione raised her eyebrows. "Motivational tapes?"

Ron's face was a dark shade of scarlet as he said "Well, my counselor says I need to boost my confidence..."

Harry and Hermione gazed at Ron for a few seconds and all three suddenly decided that it was probably time for bed. It had been a long day.

oOoOoOo

Morning came and before Harry knew it, Ron was hitting him with a pillow and yelling for him to wake up. Harry groaned and turned over in his bed, waving Ron away. But Ron was not so easily discouraged. Ron jumped on Harry's bed repeatedly, making Harry fall to the ground with a loud 'THUMP'.

Harry cursed Ron and his future children and sat up, still dazed from his sudden encounter with the floor. Ron just smirked at Harry and sat down next to him.

"So…" said Ron, still grinning like an idiot.

"What are you so happy about?" asked Harry grumpily.

"I'm not the one who dropped to the floor, mate."

"Good point, now shut up."

"Oh, come on…"said Ron teasingly, "So, what do you want to do today?"

"I dunno," said Harry, stomach growling, "Let's have breakfast, I suppose, then we can…well, do whatever."

"Sounds good!" said Ron, jumping to his feet.

"Alright."

"Hey, let's wake up Hermione!" exclaimed Ron eagerly.

"Erm, Ron…I don't think you'll be able to get up there…" said Harry, putting his hand on Ron's shoulder to stop him from running out of the room.

"Why not?"

"Remember last time?"

"Oh yeah…" said Ron, wincing slightly.  
"Come on, let's eat."

"Okay!"

They went down to the Common Room, but Hermione wasn't there so they proceeded out the portrait hole.

When Harry and Ron got down to the Great Hall, they found Hermione sitting at the Gryffindor table, captivated by the heavy text book she was buried in.

"Guess who!" said Ron stupidly, covering her eyes with his hands.

"Please Ron, not _again_," sighed Hermione, removing his hands.

"Dang! She always knows it's me!" Ron said, frustrated.

"Probably because you're the only one who does it to her," said Harry, helping himself to some eggs.

Ron said nothing and instead resorted to piling his plate with hash browns.

As Harry finished heaping his plate with eggs, he reached for the cereal box which was next to the French toast. It was a very colorful cereal box with the words 'Wizard Pops!' imprinted across the front. It wasn't a brand that Harry was particularly fond of, but hey, it was sugar. He was about to pour the sugary, marshmellowy, goodness into his bowl when the words 'SPECIAL PRIZE INSIDE!' caught his eye.

"Hey cool!" exclaimed Harry when he realized that he was indeed the first one to open the box. He never got the awesome prizes inside cereal boxes when he was at the Dursley's; Dudley always stole them from him.

"What's cool?" asked Hermione, peeking over her book.

"I get a prize from the cereal box!"

Hermione rolled her eyes to the heavens and returned to her reading. Ron, however, looked up with interest.

Carefully, Harry reached his hand in the cereal and gave it a thorough search. His hand grazed something hard and surprisingly cold. Harry grabbed it and pulled it out. Ron gasped.

Harry brought out a small gold hour glass-like object hanging from a fine gold chain. It was a Time Turner.

"No way!" shouted Ron, causing several people around them to turn and stare.

"Shh!" said Harry stuffing the thing under the table a giving a huge smile to anyone looking their way.

When people turned around Harry brought the Time Turner out again, but cautiously this time.

"It can't be real, can it?" asked Ron.

"Of course not," snorted Hermione. "It's a fake, it has to be. Why would they give out free Time Turners as a prize inside of a cereal box of 'Wizard Pops'?"

"It might be Voldemort's doing," suggested Harry.

"What? Lord Voldemort, kill Harry Potter with the 'Special Prize Inside!'!" laughed Hermione, "He wouldn't be that stupid. This thing could get to anyone who opened the box first. Besides, we crashed into all the Time Turners in the Department of Mysteries last year, remember?"

"Or DID we…?" asked Ron, shifting his eyes back and forth.

"Of course we did," said Hermione, giving Ron a strange look.

"Yeah…" said Harry, still suspicious of Voldemort's plots. "We did. So this can't be real."

"Or CAN it…?" asked Ron, shifting his eyes again.

"Can it?" asked a thoroughly confused Hermione.

"Well, there's only one way to find out," said Harry, rising from his seat.

"Or IS there…?"

"STOP THAT!" yelled Harry and Hermione at the same time.

"Sorry…"

"Come on, let's test it."


	2. Foreshadow

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter (though I wish I did), Back to the Future or their various quotes (I wish I owned that too...), American Idol, Chris Daughtry, The Chudley Cannons, or anything else that's way too expensive for me to own.

A/N: Alright so this isn't one of my more hilarious chapters, but it's fairly funny. They haven't gone back in time yet but they will at the beginning of Chapter three, I promise. This is more like a transition chapter, if you will. And I know that the American Idol thing was a loooong time ago, but that's actually when I wrote this, so please forgive me. Oh and thanks to those of you who reviewed! It meant a lot. Also, I saw that a couple people had stories with the same title as mine, and I just wanted to say that I sincerely apologize; I really didn't know! If you are really offended over that, please let me know and I'll do what I can.

oOoOoOo

Harry, Ron, and Hermione left the Great Hall hastily and slipped into Harry and Ron's dormitory, where they could talk in private.

"Well," said Hermione brusquely. "Where do we test it?"

"We could use Myrtle's bathroom," suggested Ron.

"No, there might be a chance that someone's in there, especially Myrtle," Harry pointed out.

"Hmm…" said Hermione, rubbing her chin. "We need someplace that will be private…"

"A bathroom is private," added Ron.

"Someplace where no one can barge in on us…"

"Bathroom stalls usually have locks."

"Someplace that no one would be if we went back in time…"

"If the bathroom is smelly enough, no one would be there."

"Ron," sighed Harry. "You know that bathrooms usually have people using them, and if we go back in time in a stall we might end up on someone's lap."

"Yeah," said Hermione curiously. "Why are you so eager to go back in time in a bathroom?"

Ron grimaced. "I…have to _go_…"

"Go where?" asked Harry, knitting his brows together.

"You know, to the bathroom..."

"Why?"

"Because I have to GO!"

"_Why?_"

"Harry, Ron means he has to use the restroom," explained Hermione exasperatingly.

"OH! Right."

"_Anyway,_" growled Hermione, no doubt wondering why a genius like her had two morons for best friends. "We need a secretive place to go back in time."

"No, NOT a bathroom," added Hermione when Ron opened his mouth to speak.

Harry was lost in thought. He was trying to think of someplace he, Ron, and Hermione could go without being discovered, back in time or not. Why did that sound so familiar…?

"_Of course!_" shouted Harry, causing both Ron and Hermione to jump in surprise. "The Room of Requirement! Why didn't I think of it before?"

"Harry that's perfect!" exclaimed Hermione.

"Yeah, that's brilliant Harry!" Ron chimed in, "But I have just one request."

"What's that?" asked Harry

"Can we stop at the bathroom first?"

oOoOoOo

Once Ron had taken care of business, the Trio hurried toward the 7th floor and faced the blank wall just opposite of the tapestry of Barnabas the Barmy being clubbed by several rather disgruntled trolls in pink tutus.

"Alright," began Hermione. "Before we enter I just want you to know that there could be a possibility that someone could be using the room when we arrive to our chosen destination."

"Why would someone be going back in time?" asked Ron, scratching his head.

"It's not just the room that we will be using, it's the whole Room of Requirement," explained Hermione, turning to Ron. "Someone could be using an emergency bathroom and we could just appear. I'm not sure what would happen then."

"It could ruin the very fabric of the space time continuum!" gasped Harry.

"That's right-" started Hermione, but stopped herself to gaze at Harry with surprise.

"Anyway," Ron interceded impatiently. "What should we tell the door?"

"How about 'we need a place to go back in time in without being interrupted?" offered Harry.

Hermione shrugged. "Well alright, let's try it."

The three of them paced the hallway back and forth three times and repeated the appropriate words inside their head.

When they had finished, each opened their eyes slowly and found themselves facing the large door that lead to the Room of Requirement.

Harry reached for the door knob and turned it very slowly (so as to create dramatic suspencefulness) and they entered.

The first thing known to them when they cautiously stepped into the room was the smell; it was a strong fume of chocolate pudding. Once they had gotten used the smell, the Trio looked around; it was a very bright room painted with a blinding neon orange color. On one wall there were, painted in big, red, sloppy letters, the words 'Chudley Cannons' scrawled across the whole length of the wall. On the opposite side of the labeled wall was a small TV playing various episodes of 'The Bachelor'. Next to the TV was a large plate of chocolate chip cookies and a tall glass of milk. Otherwise the room was completely empty except for a few posters of The Backstreet Boys, the Chudley Cannons, and several pictures of Hermione hanging on the walls.

"I think I'm in heaven…" breathed Ron, gazing all around the room.

"I think I've died and must have been very bad," muttered Harry under his breath.

Hermione gaped at the room in surprise. "What in the name of _Merlin_ does this have to do with TIME?"

Ron promptly sat on the floor and stared at the TV while happily gobbling the cookies as if they were his last meal.

"Harry…" hissed Hermione suspiciously. "Were you thinking of anything else _besides _the sentence we had agreed upon?"

"No way!" exclaimed Harry heatedly.

"RONALD!"

Ron choked on the milk he was drinking.

"Where you thinking anything else besides what we were _supposed _to think?"

"Well…" said Ron meekly. "I may have thought of a few decorating ideas…but other than that…"

"…Okay…" sighed Hermione, rubbing her forehead. "Let's just get this over with."

Harry took the Time Turner out of his pocket and pulled the chain over his head while grabbing Ron by his sleeve who, in turn, grabbed Hermione's arm. Throwing the Time Turner chain over them also, Harry became conscious of the fact that they hadn't decided on a location yet. "Er…where should we go?"

"WAIT!" cried Ron, yanking the chain off his neck and had darting over to the TV.

"What is it?" said Harry, slightly alarmed.

"No, I can't believe it!" exclaimed Ron, collapsing to his knees in front of the screen.

"Ron, what's the matter?" said Hermione anxiously.

"Chris Daughtry got voted off American Idol!" wailed Ron, sobbing in his shirt sleeve.

Harry furrowed his brow. "…What?"

Ron ignored him and instead howled mournfully at Ryan Seacrest's image on the screen. "NOOOOOO! C-Chris! How c-could this _happen_! You were b-by FAR the B-BEST!"

"Er, Ron?" said Hermione tentively, putting a hesitant hand on his shoulder. "Umm…I'm not sure who Chris is…but it's time go now…"

Hermione lead (more like dragged) a sobbing Ron away from the TV and slipped the chain around their necks.

A few minutes later, Ron was still whimpering tearfully but was otherwise calm. Harry, on the other hand, was still taken aback and took several more seconds blinking away his shock from Ron's very strange performance. "Right then…okay, um, where should we go?"

Harry saw that all distress had vanished instantly from Ron's face as he seemed to be contemplating all the possibilities…

"Hey, let's go back in time and fool around with American Idol's vote numbers so that ELLIOT gets the boot! Or maybe Katherine...naw she's cute..."

"Ron…" said Hermione slowly. "This is just a test to see if the Time Turner actually works….and the Time Turner only travels through time, not space. Also, American Idol is a competition; we can't just change the vote so your _boyfriend _can stay on!"

Ron's lip began to tremble, but he didn't argue.

"Right, so…" started Harry, rubbing his chin. He was considering the time periods that could be appropriate for the present situation. "We could go back five minutes in time."

"How would we know that its five minutes ago?" asked Hermione skeptically. "Besides, we'd probably find ourselves looking around this very room when we first came in! There's no point in looking outside the door when we would just see people walking by that we couldn't have seen while we were in the Great Hall!"

"Yeah, you're probably right," sighed Harry. "So, for the third time, where should we set off to then?"

"Hey Harry!" exclaimed Ron, throwing his hands in the air excitedly. "We could see your parents!"

"What do you mean?" asked Harry sharply. Any subject having to do with his dead parents was a delicate one. After all, Voldemort had murdered his parents, so how could he possibly see his parents when they were gone? Unless…

"We could go back in time to see your parents and the Marauders! Wouldn't that be brilliant?"

"That's too dangerous!" cried Hermione, scandalized. "What if they saw us?"

"Oh come _on_ Hermione!" pleaded Ron, "We've taken risks before, and this is no different!"

"Are you out of your MIND?" gasped Hermione, "Harry's dad could conceivably encounter Harry, and he would think Harry is himself! The consequences of that would be disastrous."

"What do you mean?" questioned Harry curiously.

"I foresee two possibilities," Hermione explained urgently, "One- James coming face-to-face with Harry, thinking that Harry is him, would put him into shock and he'd simply pass out. Or two-the encounter could create a time paradox, the results of which could cause a chain reaction that would unravel the very fabric of the space-time-continuum and DESTROY THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE!"

Hermione took a couple of deep breaths before she went on. "Granted, that's a worst-case scenario. The destruction might, in fact, be very localized, limited merely to our own galaxy."

"Well that's a relief," said Harry, raising his eyebrows.

"Oh, what are you on about Hermione?" asked Ron crossly. "What could happen? We'll just take a quick peek at Harry's parents and be off! No harm done!"

Hermione crossed her arms over her chest. "Are you really willing to take that risk?"

"I say it's up to Harry," said Ron stubbornly.

"Harry?" questioned Hermione.

Harry carefully deliberated what Hermione had said about the destruction of the universe…but then Ron's words echoed in his head...'What could happen?' _Besides,_ Harry decided, _what did Hermione know?_

Not only that, but Harry _really_ wanted to see his parents…

"What could happen…?" echoed Harry dreamily.

"Not you _too_!" cried Hermione, pulling at her hair nervously.

"Please Hermione?" begged Ron.

"Yeah, _please_ Hermione?" pleaded Harry. "I just want to see my parents…"

Hermione bit her lip. "Well…alright. But _mark my words_ we'll regret it!"

"Yes!" said Ron jubilantly, throwing his fist in the air.

"Brilliant!" cried Harry.

"I must be off my rocker…" muttered Hermione darkly.

Harry handed the Time Turner to Hermione, who sighed and reluctantly turned it the appropriate number of times.

And without further ado, a blur of colors swirled around them, and they felt themselves spin in circles uncontrollably until they were too dizzy and nauseous to think…

And then, just as suddenly, Harry felt his body collide with hard, solid ground beneath them.

oOoOoOo


	3. Common Sense is SO Last Year

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter (though I wish I did), Back to the Future or their various quotes (I wish I owned that too...), Michael J. Fox, Random Voices, Tums (EW), or anything else that's way too expensive for me to own.

A/N: Right so, number three is in! Tell me what you think! Now, onto the story!

oOoOoOo

"…Ow…" groaned Ron.

Harry pushed himself up in a sitting position. "…Is everyone okay?"

"I think so…" muttered Hermione, feeling her head.

"I think I'm alright, but I landed on something hard…_whoops_…"

"Ron?" asked Harry sharply. "What did you do?"

Hermione looked quizzically at Ron.

"Erm…" started Ron nervously. "I may have…broken something…"

"Are you hurt?" asked Hermione worriedly.

"Well…_no…_"

"What is it then?" questioned Harry, cocking his eyebrow.

"Umm…" Ron held out the Time Turner. It was smashed.

"Oh NO!" cried Hermione, wringing her hands. "_Oh no, oh no, oh no,_ _oh no, oh no…_"

Harry quickly went to the panicking Hermione's side. "Its okay!" he soothed. "We'll just repair it. Reparo! _Reparo!_ _REPARO!_"

"I told you!" said Hermione in a very high voice. "I told you something would happen! It won't work and now we'll _never_ get back!"

"Ron!" shouted Harry, turning on Ron. "You MORON! _Look what you did!_"

Ron looked sheepishly at the floor and mumbled an apology.

"That's not good enough!" yelled Hermione. "You…! _You…!_"

Hermione, apparently at a loss for words, instead hurled herself at Ron and grabbed him around the neck.

"Er-mi-o-nee!" chocked Ron, trying to pull her off.

"Hermione stop!" ordered Harry. "This isn't helping!"

But Hermione ignored him and continued to throttle poor Ron.

"Alright! ENOUGH!" bellowed Harry, pulling Hermione off Ron's neck.

Both Ron and Hermione stood a couple feet apart, panting for air. Hermione glared at Ron while Ron looked apologetically at her feet.

"_Okay…_" said Harry, trying to think. "So now that Ron's smashed the only thing that we have to take us back-"

"It was an accident!" defended Ron.

"-we need to figure out a way to fix it."

"I didn't mean to land on it!"

"Oh shut up," snapped Hermione. "What were you saying Harry?"

"Okay, so we know for sure that the thing's busted, right?

"Let me see it," said Hermione.

Harry handed the Time Turner to Hermione and she waved her wand over it, obviously doing some complicated spells.

When Hermione finished she sighed and gave it back to Harry. "It's broken alright. I don't know how to fix it, but there might be something in the library…"

"We can't go to the library!" said Ron suddenly. "Someone will find out that we are from the future!"

Harry took a look around the room for the first time since landing. It was exactly the same as before.

"Hey!" said Harry excitedly. "Maybe we didn't go back in time! Maybe it's a joke Time Turner! Like a toy to recreate the feeling of time travel!"

"It's a possibility," said Hermione doubtfully. "But before we take a look, we need to formulate a plan, just in case we really did go back in time."

Harry thought about it. They could pretend that they were just regular students that weren't from the future in order to try and fix the time turner with the library's help. It was worth a try…

Harry told Ron and Hermione about his idea. Ron looked skeptical but Hermione seemed to be deep in thought.

"That's what I was thinking too Harry," Hermione said. "It seems like the only choice available." She shot a dirty look at Ron.

"Okay," said Harry. "We just have to make sure I don't run into my dad."

"Or any of the Marauders," added Ron.

"It would probably be best if we didn't come across your mom either," concluded Hermione.

"Okay," sighed Harry, grasping the doorknob. "Here we go…"

Harry opened the door and peeked around the corner. Hermione and Ron stole a look around Harry's shoulder. The hall was empty.

"What good luck!" exclaimed Hermione. "But we still don't know if the Time Turner worked or not."

Ron examined the tapestry and the walls. "Looks exactly the same to me."

Hermione bit her lip in thought. "What would be different about Hogwarts when your parents were here?"

"Besides the people?" asked Ron.

"Well, it would be a big risk looking at the people. We might not know who they are and pretty much the only people we know who lived at Hogwarts around this time would be the Marauders, Lily, Snape, McGonagall, and Dumbledore. And what would happen if they saw us?"

"Can't we say a quick hello to the Marauders or Lily just to see if we did go back in time?" questioned Ron.

"You don't understand!" exclaimed Hermione. "Time is a very delicate dimension! We can't disrupt the time line for any reason whatsoever or it could affect the future dramatically!"

"Sorry for asking…" muttered Ron under his breath.

"What if we looked at the awards?" asked Harry suddenly. "You know, in the Trophy Room! They aren't people, and I got an award for special services to the school in Second year, remember? We could see if it's still there!"

"That's perfect Harry!" exclaimed Hermione. "Just as long as we don't meet any people on the way."

"I got an award too!" said Ron defiantly.

"Alright let's go to the Trophy Room," said Hermione, ignoring Ron.

The Trio tiptoed quietly toward the general direction of the Trophy Room, and, remarkably, they didn't meet anyone on their way. In fact, no sign of life was evident. It was deathly quiet, and even though everything was fairly polished, Harry started to wonder if there was anyone actually at Hogwarts.

Once they got to the Trophy Room, all three of them almost ran to the display case. There, in the place where Harry and Ron's awards usually were laid, was a very large and very polished award to Tom Riddle for "Special Services" to the school.

Harry stood stock still. They WERE back in time. They WERE in the same place as his parents. They had NO way back. Where the HECK was his award? Hmm…what would Michael J. Fox do?

Hermione, meanwhile, was having an emotional breakdown. Almost hyperventilating herself she wailed "_Noooooooo! It can't be! Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, ooh noooooo…._"

Ron, the only one not looking worried, was smiling smugly as Hermione grasped his shoulder and sobbed all over his robes. He put a comforting arm around her and soothed in a deep voice quite unlike his own. "It'll be okay Hermione, you'll see. It'll turn out alright…"

However this seemed to do nothing but unsettle Hermione even more. Whether it was Ron's newly found (and rather disturbing) voice or what he was saying, Harry did not know.

"Well," said Harry, his own voice cracking. "Now that we know that _was_ a real Time Turner, what do we do now?"

Hermione pushed Ron's arm off her shoulder. "We…we sh-should probably find out w-why everyone is gone."

Harry couldn't help but admire Hermione's bravery at a time like this. Even _he _would probably be running out the door if Ron tried to soothe him with _that_ voice. But soon Hermione brushed the dirt off her skirt and headed out the door. Ron looked reluctant to leave but slowly followed. Harry left with them, glancing over his shoulder at Tom Riddle's award.

oOoOoOo

Together, the threesome searched the area around the Trophy Room. There was no one in sight, not even a ghost. The windows showed the day to be bright and sunny, so it was definitely day time. Harry was about to look under a vase when suddenly he heard a very faint cheering. Wondering what was happening; Harry quickly stuck his head out the nearest window.

"Of _course!_" exclaimed Harry, almost slapping his forehead. "I should have known."

"What is it?" asked Hermione anxiously.

"A Quidditch Match!" gasped Ron.

"That's why everyone is gone!" said Hermione excitedly. "Come on let's go!"

The three of them ran as hard as they could toward the nearest exit, which luckily led to the Quidditch field. The crowd was wild, so wild in fact that Harry suspected that this might be a Gryffindor verses Slytherin match. His hunch was right; there was a wave of bright red and gold on one side of the stadium, and a flow of green and silver on the other. The Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs also seemed to have taken sides.

The students were roaring and the game looked vicious. Harry had to resist the urge to grab the nearest broom and fly right into the game itself.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione slipped into the stadium seats, on the Gryffindor side of course.

Harry was captivated by the game and spellbound by the extreme competitiveness of the two teams and how incredibly fast they were, he was astounded that the Quidditch games were so much more brutal in the past. He would have thought that in the future teams would be even more athletic and competitive because of their past games.

That's when Harry saw him. His eyes suddenly wandered over to the Slytherin Keeper when a blur of scarlet caught his eye. Harry instantly recognized him; it could have been his own face except for the eyes, which were a golden hazel. This person was his dad.

Harry's heart skipped a beat. He still wasn't prepared to believe that he was actually back in time until he saw his parents. But here was the proof. And here was his dad, alive and well, not knowing that he would be murdered by the most evil wizard in the world, not knowing that his only son would become the Boy Who Lived…

"Harry, are you all right mate?" asked Ron worriedly, studying Harry's face.

"That's my dad…" said Harry faintly.

"There's your mom Harry!" exclaimed Hermione, pointing a few seats away from them.

Lily was sitting in the crowds, cheering the Gryffindors on like everyone else around her. Her long red hair swished to and fro from the wind and her green eyes, exactly like Harry's, seemed to be shining with enthusiasm. She too would become a victim of Voldemort…Harry suddenly felt very sick.

"Oh no, Harry!" Hermione had apparently realized what she had done. "I'm so sorry Harry! I didn't mean to upset you!"

"It's okay Hermione," said Harry with a weak smile. "I'm just not used to seeing my parents in person…"

"Want some Tums Harry?" asked Ron, holding out a small tube.

"What?" asked Harry, looking suspiciously at the tube.

"They're a muggle medication for stomach aches and such," said Ron, examining the Tums. "I think they taste excellent."

Harry shuddered. "No thanks," he said quickly, remembering the time Ron offered him some gum made entirely out of soy.

Hermione gasped. "Harry look!" she yelled, pointing at James.

James was wobbling uncontrollably on his broom! Harry assumed that, predictably, James was showing off and was actually standing on his broom with his feet, and, of course, had trouble balancing. Unfortunately, a Slytherin beater saw this as an opportunity and aimed a bludger right at James's ankles. It worked. The bludger tripped James and he fell into the air, dropping like a rock toward the ground. Everyone was too occupied with the game to notice and the few people that did were too shocked to do anything, including the teachers.

Without thinking Harry jumped up and hopped over the rows of people sitting in front of him, which caused many shouts of "What the BLOODY HELL are you doing!" and "Someone arrest this _lunatic!_" Hermione and Ron, shocked by this sudden action did nothing, but only watched helplessly as Harry pulled out his wand and continued to bound over the befuddled audience.

Once Harry reached to the fence dividing the crowd and a twenty-foot drop to the Quidditch field, he stopped. His conscience was telling him to go back to his seat and let the teachers deal with James, but a small voice in his head whispered frantically _'Save James…he's your father, don't let him kill himself!'_ Harry wondered if really he should follow his good judgment instead of the voice inside his head. He also contemplated whether hearing voices were a bad sign. Harry also felt strangely like this had happened before in Second Year…

But before Harry could finish pondering strange voices, a strangled yell from above him caught his attention. Harry looked up quickly and saw that James was about a hundred and twenty three feet above him now, and the moronic teachers only began to realize it.

Following the advice from the strange voice in his head, Harry leapt over the two-foot fence, tumbled down to the ground, and, rolling over like a barrel, reached the spot where James was most likely to fall.

Pointing his wand at James, Harry yelled a levitation spell as loud as his voice would allow. James suddenly stopped falling and hovered peacefully a few feet over Harry. Sighing with relief, Harry got up shakily. There seemed to be a buzzing in his left ear…a buzzing that oddly seemed to be getting louder. Harry turned around and saw, to his horror, a bludger zooming right toward him. Then, with a sickening thud, Harry dropped to the ground, and the world went black…

oOoOoOo


	4. The Nightmare Begins

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter (though I wish I did), Back to the Future or their various quotes (I wish I owned that too...), Tommy Hilfiger, Breakfast specials, the foreign exchange program, or anything else that's way too expensive for me to own.

A/N: So, part four of my fanfiction is here! Hurray! Anyway, I really like this one, pretty funny in my humble opinion. However I am the author and I view my works differently, ergo, you're going to have to tell me how it was. Ha. Stuck now aren't you? So anyhoo, everyone is REALLY out of character in this chapter, but that's what makes it even funnier! Notice the Back to the Future similarities please.

oOoOoOo

"_Ooooohhh…_" groaned Harry, trying to move. But he couldn't; he felt like his whole body was made of lead. Slowly, he lifted his hand and brushed across a coarse material and what felt like a sheet underneath. He thought he must be in some sort of bed.

Harry tried to turn his head, but gasped when a searing pain shot across his forehead. It wasn't his scar this time.

But Harry did feel something else; fingers stroking his hair…it felt good, relaxing…maybe if he just went to sleep again…

But a disturbing thought crossed his hazy mind.

"Ron…" moaned Harry, opening his eyes. "That better not be you…"

His vision was fuzzy at first; he did see a red blob hovering just above his head, but when his eyesight became cleared, he saw that it was a girl. She was very pretty with silky red hair and emerald green eyes…Harry had the feeling he had seen her before. He closed his eyes again.

'_I'm dead,_' Harry thought. 'I _must have died, I don't know how, maybe it was Voldemort. But I must be in heaven…with my parents…_'

"Mom?" Harry croaked. "That you…?"

"There, there now just relax," said a sweet voice.

Harry felt his head being wiped with a wet cloth.

"You've been asleep for almost nine hours now," said the voice again.

'_Asleep?_' thought Harry. 'How _can I be asleep when I've died…?_'

Harry felt the cloth on his forehead again. It was incredibly soothing…  
'_Oh, who cares if I'm dead or not…_'

"I had a…horrible nightmare," mumbled Harry. "I dreamed I went back in time…it was _terrible._"

"Well," the voice said quietly, "You're safe and sound now, back in the good old Hospital Wing."

Harry sat up suddenly. "_Hospital Wing!_"

He looked at the girl more closely and gasped. Harry was suddenly hit with the truth. He remembered everything; the Time Turner disguised as the 'Special Prize Inside', the Room of Requirement, American Idol, the Tums, the Quidditch Game, his parents, _the Bludger…_

"_You're my mo…you're my mo…_"

"My name is Lily," said the girl, slowly, not taking her eyes off his. "Lily Evans."

"_Yeah!_ But you're, uuh…you're, uuh…you're…_alive!_" panted Harry.

"Just relax, Tommy, you got a big bruise on your head."

Harry put his hand to his head, he felt burst of pain on a certain spot. He had to find Ron and Hermione. Harry threw the covers off himself and attempted to get out of the bed. But then he looked down.

"_AH! Where are my pants!_"

Lily flinched.

"Over there…" she said shyly, pointing a shaky finger to the neatly made bed next to them. "On that bed…I've never seen purple underwear before, Tommy..."

"Tommy?" exclaimed Harry, rubbing his head. "Why-why do you keep calling me Tommy?"

"That is your name isn't it? Tommy Hilfiger?" Lily gestured to his underwear. "It's written all over your underwear."

"AH!" gasped Harry, quickly pulling his covers back.

Lily blushed coyly. "Oh, I guess they call you Tom, huh?"

"No," muttered Harry without thinking. "Actually, people…call me Harry…"

"Oh." Lily scooted right next to Harry. "Pleased to meet you, Tommy...Harry…Hilfiger."

Harry started to sweat as his mother moved even closer.

"Do you mind if I sit here?" asked Lily, noticing his tenseness

"No!" cried Harry in a very high voice. "Fine. No. Good. Fine. Good…"

Lily reached over and touched Harry's forehead. "That's a big bruise you have there."

Harry withdrew a little too quickly and fell off the bed with a loud THUMP. "_Ahhh!_"

"Oh!" cried Lily, bending down next to Harry. "Are you alright?"

Harry sat up wearily. "I'm fine."

"You know," said Lily, helping Harry back to his bed. "You look almost exactly like Potter-_James_, I mean. James Potter." Lily scowled, apparently at the very thought of James Potter.

"Oh, well…" began Harry, suddenly realizing what a bad situation he was in.

But a loud creaking sound filled the room unexpectedly before Harry could make an excuse.

Harry looked around and saw that the doors to the Hospital Wing opened wide and two blurs of people came rushing toward him. The first to reach Harry was Hermione, who jumped on his bed and smothered Harry with hugs. Ron came second, yelling after Hermione.

"I've never seen you run so fast in your life!" panted Ron, putting his hands on his knees for support. "I could barely keep up!"

Lily quickly backed away, muttering something about Madam Pomfrey not wanting too many people in the room. She brushed past them and hurried out the door.

Hermione stopped hugging Harry and suddenly gasped in disgust.

"Harry!" yelped Hermione, diving off the bed. "Where are your _pants?_"

Quickly covering his underwear, Harry turned a deep shade of scarlet and pointed meekly to his pants on the bed next to him.

"Holy _Snitch_, Harry!" cried Ron, clearly horrified. "What in the name of _Merlin_ were you doing to your _mother_?"

"W-what!" stammered Harry. "_NO!_ It's not like that! I woke up with my pants off!"

"Your mother took them off of you!" cried Hermione, looking astounded.

"Why would she do that?" asked Ron, handing Harry his pants.

"I dunno," muttered Harry, still slightly pink. Harry told them the whole story and explained his new name (after he put on his pants of course).

"And then you guys came," finished Harry lamely.

"Hahahaha…" snorted Ron. "Your name is Tommy, hahaha, that's your arch enemy's name! Hahaha that's funny."

"Shut it," growled Harry, glaring at Ron.

"This isn't good," sighed Hermione, rubbing her head. "We need to think of a reasonable explanation for Harry and James's similar appearances. We can't just leave it for Lily to figure out. It's not like she's an idiot and there's no such thing as Time Travel. The only good thing is that Lily and James will never expect to end up together and have Harry."

Harry was about to say something when he was once again interrupted by the loud creaking of the door. He looked up curiously, wondering if someone had possibly ordered him a pizza.

But to his surprise, it was the Marauders: James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew. Harry felt his eyes narrow as he spotted Wormtail, however he was too distracted with the sight of his father, godfather, and his favorite teacher to do anything about him.

The four of them timidly approached Harry's bed and Ron and Hermione backed away so that the Marauders could have room. Hermione glanced at Harry and James nervously, apparently waiting for the entire Universe to become a pancake (preferably with scrambled eggs and bacon on the side).

But as Harry and James met each other's eyes, no such thing happened. In fact, nothing at all happened until Lupin prodded James forward.

James smiled at Harry nervously and tackled him very unexpectedly.

Harry almost wet his pants in surprise while all the males in the room raised their eyebrows and Hermione wrung her hands worriedly.

James let go of Harry and cried "I can't believe they let you out of the Madhouse Harry!"

Bewildered, Harry stared blankly at James for a second. "_Madhouse_…?"

"Yeah," sniffed James. "You probably don't even remember me. I'm your cousin, Harry! When you were twelve you…you…" James paused to wipe a tear from his eye. "You were hit by a truck transporting mimes to a nearby circus! They couldn't cry out to you or warn you…because…_because they were mimes!_ I've hated mimes ever since."

James sobbed on Harry's shoulder while Sirius gave James a slightly grubby handkerchief. James took it thankfully.

"They had to stick you in a mental facility because you were hurt so badly," continued James tearfully. "You kept muttering random things about potatoes and would steal everyone's left shoe. When you were fourteen you tried to stuff your little sister down the sink. It was horrible, just _horrible…_" James's voice cracked and it seemed that he wasn't able to go on.

Harry, who was still trying to process what he had just heard, patted James on the back absentmindedly. Hermione looked as if she couldn't believe what she was hearing; her eyebrows were raised so high they looked as if they had become part of her hairline.

"That is so SAD," sobbed Ron, leaning on a frightened Wormtail.

"Yeah," sniffed James. "But now you can come back to Hogwarts with us Harry! Wow, is that where they did the incision?"

"What?" asked Harry sharply.

"Where they did the operation on you," said James, staring at Harry's scar. "Whoa they did an awful job, didn't they?"

Harry felt his scar uncertainly. "Uh, yeah…"

"And what's more," continued James tearfully. "You saved my _life!_"

"Huh?"

"You saved me from falling off my broom, they told me! That's how…how you got here!"

"Oh yeah…"

"Oh, how can I ever thank you for what you have done!" asked James dramatically.

"Um…nothing really…"

Lupin glanced at Ron and Hermione. "And who may I ask, are your friends Harry?"

"Oh um," started Hermione abruptly. "I'm…well…Hermione Granger and this is Ron Weasley-"

"We're exchange students," proclaimed Ron, much to Hermione's horror.

"I didn't know they had a foreign exchange student program at Hogwarts… where are you from?" asked Lupin curiously.

"Canada," said Ron before Hermione could stop him.

"Canada?" said James doubtfully. "But you both have British accents like us."

"We're from British Columbia in Canada," said Hermione quickly, crossing her fingers.

"Er, yeah!" said Ron. "That's why we have the accents. Plus, we've spent time here."

"Are you two related?" asked Wormtail, apparently intrigued.

"Oh no," said Ron confidently. "Just…friends…both from Canada."

"Right," said Lupin, offering his hand to them both. "Very glad to meet you."

"Any friends of Harry are friends of us!" said James, also offering his hand.

Sirius shook hands with Ron and saddled right next to Hermione, putting his hand around her waist.

"Nice to meet you…" smiled Sirius flirtatiously. "Mmm…they make 'em _hot_ in Canada, don't they?"

Hermione looked as if she was about to throw up as Ron curled his hands into fists and looked at Harry's godfather with newly-found hatred.

"Padfoot, quit harassing Harry's friend," said James, rolling his eyes.

Sirius withdrew, however reluctantly. Ron glared at him.

A loud creaking once again sounded the opening of the door and they were all startled by the shrill voice of Madam Pomfrey.

"I go out for a few minutes and a whole crowd of students disturb my patients! Out! _OUT!_ The poor boy needs his rest!"

Harry waved sadly at his visitors as they were all pushed out the door by an irate Madam Pomfrey.

He still wished they had brought pizza with them.

oOoOoOo

A/N: Ha! A cliffhanger! Well, not quite…but still! At least I had a good one last time. Anyway, thanks for reading! Review and I will update. It's just like magic!


	5. In Which Hermione Has Many Mood Swings

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter (though I wish I did), Back to the Future or their various quotes (I wish I owned that too...), Nikes, Mary Janes, the Chudley Cannon (I'm glad I don't own them), Flux Capacitors, Scooby Doo (Jinkies!), Monty Python ("It's only a flesh wound!"), or anything else that's way too expensive for me to own.

A/N: Hehehe. I like this one. But again, everyone is OOC, but it's all for the best! I swear! Look out for Monty Python references!

oOoOoOo

When Harry woke he found he had a throbbing headache, but was otherwise healed. And after much pleading toward Madam Pomfrey to let him leave (Harry had much practice), he was walking out the door, pants and all.

'_I need to find Ron and Hermione,_' thought Harry as he rushed through the hallways. '_Where on Earth could they possibly be?_'

Harry checked his solar-powered watch (because electronics don't work at Hogwarts of course); it was about noon. Lunch time.

Practically running to the Great Hall, Harry checked his pockets for the Time Turner. Pulling it out, he exhaled a sigh of relief. After seeing Hermione attack Ron so viciously for breaking the Time Turner, Harry wondered what she'd do to him if he'd _lost _it. Trying not to think about it, Harry slipped through the open door of the Great Hall and searched the boisterous crowd for Ron and Hermione.

After a few minutes of searching, Harry almost gave up when he heard a familiar sound.

"Honestly Ron, _exchange_ students? From _Canada_, of all places? You couldn't think of _anything_ better?" said the shrill voice of a girl.

"Well, _I_ thought it was a good idea…" mumbled a boy's voice.

Harry knew it was Ron and Hermione. Who _else _could it be?

Harry quickly scanned the room for them, they sounded close. A shock of red hair caught his eye, but it was long and flowing; girl's hair. The girl also seemed to be searching for someone; she was looking around distractedly and seemed to be scarcely listening to her friend. Harry caught sight of her face and saw that it was his mother.

Deciding that he didn't want to be seen, Harry dived under the tables, much to the surprise of some unsuspecting Third years.

Harry listened intently to the voices above him as he crawled through people's legs. But so far he only heard gossip and talk about the Quidditch match and the moron who saved that one chaser and got himself knocked out by a bludger.

'_I wonder who that could be,_' thought Harry to himself. Quidditch matches in the past were very strange.

Giving up on listening for Ron and Hermione, Harry instead concentrated on looking for Ron and Hermione's shoes. He knew that despite the Hogwarts uniforms, after Labor Day the students were allowed to wear their own shoes. Why this was, Harry had no clue. He would have thought that customized socks would have been better, for Harry was sure Dumbledore would agree.

Searching for Ron and Hermione's shoes, however, proved to be unsatisfactory and a bit nauseating. The smell was overwhelming and besides, Harry never liked feet, even if they wore colorful socks.

But just as Harry felt that he might throw up on someone's flip-flops, he glimpsed a pair of orange Nike's with the words 'Chudley Cannons' imprinted on them. Harry instantly recognized them as Ron's shoes and squinted his eyes so that he might spot Hermione's. Sure enough, Harry saw a pair of polished Mary Janes across from the bright orange ones.

Harry had to dodge many students' kicking feet (and, unfortunately, a certain couple playing Footsie) before he could reach Ron and Hermione's shoes.

Once Harry got there he decided that making his presence known was the safest thing to do. So he planned to nudge Hermione's leg so that she would look underneath the table and make room for him. That way he would not have to make any noise and he could discreetly slither up to the seat next to her.

Harry prodded Hermione's shin and waited for her reaction.

"Ron," sighed Hermione. "Will you _stop_ doing that?"

"I didn't do anything!" said Ron defiantly.

"Yes, you did! You kicked me again!"

"Hermione, Hermione, _Hermione,_" said Ron, shaking his head. "It's not technically a kick; it's more of a…_playful nudge_."

"WHAT?"

Harry sighed and poked her knee.

Hermione jumped in alarm and timidly peeked under the table.

"Harry!" she cried.

Harry popped out from under the table and adjusted his glasses exclaiming "_Jinkies!_ I found my glasses!"

"Where did you come from Harry?" asked Hermione.

Ron sighed and said "Hermione, it's time you should know. You see, when a man and a woman love each other _very much_-"

"Ron, _no!_" interjected Harry, restraining himself from waving his arms wildly.

"I already know Ron," said Hermione, rubbing her head.

"_Aww,_" whined Ron. "I wanted to tell you about the stork!"

Hermione rolled her eyes and turned to Harry.

"So, did Madam Pomfrey let you out of the Hospital Wing?"

"Of course she did! Why, you think I would sneak out?" exclaimed Harry, pretending to be offended.

"You didn't, did you?" asked Hermione anxiously. "We can't afford to break any rules here."

Harry chuckled and patted Hermione on the back. "You know I'm not _that_ stupid."

"Right, well…" started Hermione, lowering her voice. "We need to get back to our own time as fast as we can. We need the Library's help and we need to get the Time Turner fixed. The only problem is that I'm not sure how to fix one, it's _extremely _complicated. But hopefully there might be a book that will be specific enough."

"When should we start?" asked Ron, also whispering dramatically.

"As soon as possible," said Hermione, rising up from her seat.

"Let's go," muttered Harry, noticing that Lily was looking in their direction.

Ron glanced sadly at his unfinished pot roast before getting up, but he hurried to Harry's side anyway.

The three of them dashed through the hallways, not wanting to be noticed by others. When they could see the library doors they positively ran, skidding to a stop as soon as their feet meet the library floor.

Panting for breath, they tiptoed through the bookcases as quietly as they could, Hermione in the lead.

She stopped abruptly at a small table surrounded by rows and piles of books. On one bookcase above a pile of books was a small label that read '_Time Travel_'.

"Ah, here we are," said Hermione cheerfully. Apparently being surrounded by dusty manuscripts of unknown proportions had improved Hermione's demeanor. She grabbed the nearest book, glanced at the title, and threw it aside.

Turning to Harry and Ron, she said "We need to find a book that explains a method that has to do with repairing Time Turners, or anything of the sort. If you notice anything about Time Turners, make sure you read it and see if it's what we require."

Ron groaned. "I didn't know we had to _read_…"

"Oh no Ron," snapped Hermione. "Just because we're in the Library, searching for a book that will tell us how to fix a Time Turner, doesn't mean we have to _read_."

Ron responded by slamming a book on the table in front of him and furiously muttering incoherent words to himself.

But a startling "_SHH!_" made by Madam Pince quieted him and he resorted to irritably flipping the pages.

Harry started to shift through a large pile of books nearest to him. He examined several of them, including '_The Time I've Spent, by Nicholas Flamel_' and '_How to Build a Flux Capacitor, by Doctor Emmett L. Brown._' But these weren't what they needed.

However, when Harry's eyes began to get very sore from reading so much, another book caught Harry's eye and he picked it up. '_Fixing Time Turners, for Nitwits_'. Hmmm…

"_Hermione!_" whispered Harry urgently.

"What is it?" asked Hermione irritably. She had been frantically searching the books for anything mentioning Time Turners and failed miserably, causing her to be in a very grouchy mood.

"I think I found something…" said Harry hesitantly.

"Let me see it," snapped Hermione, snatching the book from Harry's grasp.

Ron suddenly started to snore very loudly, causing Madam Pince to scowl at them. Harry nudged Ron awake as Hermione beamed at '_Fixing Time Turners, for Nitwits_'.

"Harry I think you've found it!" whispered Hermione excitedly, her mood changing completely.

She flipped through the pages eagerly. "Yes, this is exactly what we need! Oh Harry, you're the _best!_"

Harry blushed slightly and fingered his sleeve. Ron began to frown.

"The only thing is," continued Hermione, who had stopped smiling and was now squinting her eyes at the pages. "This is extremely complicated. I may need some help…" Hermione looked over to Ron and Harry, biting her lip. She shook her head. "It's no use; I need someone else's help. Someone intellectual enough to help me figure this out."

"I can be…_intell…ectu…al!_" said Ron crossly.

"Hermione's right," argued Harry. "This is out of our hands."

"I'm smart!"

Harry and Hermione both stared incredulously at Ron.

"My motivational tapes say so."

Harry groaned and Hermione held her face in her hands.

"Fine then," said Harry, folding his hands. "What is the capital of Assyria?"

"The letter A." proclaimed Ron proudly.

Hermione sighed and asked "What is the air-speed velocity of an unladed swallow?"

"African or European swallow?"

Taken aback, Hermione began at once to look it up in one of the books behind her.

Ron grinned smugly at Harry, who was busy stifling a giggle with his fist.

"Ok look," muttered Hermione, ceasing her research. "We have to find someone intelligent, but not so intelligent that they won't believe us. It may disrupt the delicate balance of the space-time-continuum, but that's a chance we've got to take."

"It should be someone we know," added Harry.

"There's McGonagall, Dumbledore, and Lily," said Ron, counting his fingers.

Hermione, who seemed to be deep in thought, shook her head slowly. "We can't go to McGonagall; there is no _way_ she'd believe us. Dumbledore must be much too busy to help us and he's too important; we just might destroy the Universe if we tell him. Lily…well I don't know her very well but she seems like a very logical person. It's most likely that she won't believe us; she'd think Harry was James and James was pranking her. Although even if we do ask for someone else's help it's most likely that they'd think we're loonies too…"

"Lily seems like she'd be able to help us," pointed out Ron. "She's not very important."

"Yes," sighed Hermione. "But she's also Harry's mother. We might interfere with James and Lily's relationship and Harry might not be born!"

Harry snorted. "Yeah, but what are the chances of _that_ happening?"

"I don't know," said Hermione worriedly. "I've never had this problem before. But I'd rather not take the chance, all the same."

"So then," said Ron, furrowing his eyebrows. "We need…someone…who doesn't have…_children?_"

"Exactly."

"Well, everyone smart that we know is either too busy or has children!"

"_Of course!_" cried Harry abruptly, slapping his forehead in frustration. "_Lupin!_"

"Lupin?" repeated Hermione, frowning.

"Yeah," said Harry excitedly. "He'll believe us! I'm sure of it! And he's incredibly smart! He has no children and he's not _too_ important! He can help us fix the Time Turner!"

"I don't know Harry," said Hermione doubtfully.

But another loud "_SHHH!_" from Madam Pince sounded their departure as they grabbed '_Fixing Time Turners, for Nitwits_' and sprinted out the door.

oOoOoOo

A/N: Ahhh. The satisfaction of a chapter well done. So…er…satisfying? I'm all thesaurused out you see. So anyway, love it? Hate it? Let me know!


	6. Not So Shocking Realizations

Disclaimer: Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter (though I wish I did), Back to the Future or their various quotes (I wish I owned that too...), The Ghostbusters (_Who you gonna call?_), Babe Ruth (mm...chocolaty goodness), Adam West (aka BATMAN), or anything else that's too expensive for me to own.

A/N: Yes people, it's another chapter full of my pathetic attempts at humor. Yay. Anyways, this one is fairly humorous, not the funniest I imagine. But the next one will be! I'm hoping at least, I'm just as curious as you are as to what happens next. Which probably isn't that curious…but I'm confusing myself (I'm tired ok!). So, in the next chapter, we will be introduced to the Biff-like character and see a little more James and hopefully a little more Lily-with Harry in the mix of all of it, of course. So, let's just move on, shall we?

oOoOoOo

Harry, Ron, and Hermione slowed down to a stop once they reached the Fat Lady's portrait guarding the Gryffindor Common Room. Harry waited, expecting Hermione or Ron to shout out the password. But the two of them didn't say anything; Hermione was looking slightly uneasy and gazed at her shoes. Ron was playing Rock-Paper-Scissors with himself.

"Erm…" said Harry, raising his eyebrows. "Did anyone bother to find out the password?"

"Oh…well…um…" stuttered Hermione. "We…were…um…busy…"

"Doing what?" asked Harry. "In fact, I don't remember you guys telling what you did while I was in the Hospital Wing. Where did you guys sleep?"

"We slept in the Room of Requirement," said Ron matter-of-factly, who seemed to have won his game.

"_Unfortunately…_" muttered Hermione darkly.

"So what did you do?"

"Well…" said Hermione anxiously.

"We argued," said Ron, shrugging his shoulders.

Harry shook his head exasperatingly. "You guys were _arguing_ when you could have found out the _password?_"

"Yes…" said Hermione meekly.

"And you always tell _me _off for wasting time."

"Shut up! We still have to find Lupin!" shouted Ron sensibly.

"Ron's right," said Hermione.

"That's a first," added Harry.

"And we don't even know if Lupin's in there," continued Hermione whilst Ron scowled at Harry.

"We have to get in there somehow, we've got to check!" cried Harry.

"Well, if you have any suggestions…"

"We could ask someone what the password is."

"That's a dumb idea," declared Ron.

"Can you think of anything better?"

"Actually I can! Okay, we'll need about fourteen bagpipes and a spatula-"

"_AAHHH!_" screamed Hermione, clutching her bottom.

"What is it?" asked an alarmed Harry, pulling out his wand.

"Something spanked me!"

"_What?_"

"_Yes!_"

"Was it you Ron?" asked Harry suspiciously.

"No," said Ron defensively. "Hermione'd kill me!"

"You bet I would," growled Hermione.

"Well, maybe there's a ghost in here," offered Harry.

"Ooh," said Ron excitedly. "Can we call the Ghostbusters! Oh please, please, _please?_"

"_NO _Ron," sighed Harry. "It's probably just some First year with an Indivisibility Cloak."

"Well whoever it is I'm going to blow them into oblivion," snarled Hermione, her face murderous.

Harry was just about to blame Ron when he heard stifled giggles behind his right ear.

Whipping around, Harry saw nothing. But when he felt the air in around him, the giggles grew into loud guffaws.

Hermione, pulling out her wand, pointed it in the direction of the sound.

Ron mostly just stared at the spot where the laughter seemed to be coming from.

Heart beating loudly, Harry stretched his hand out as far as it would go and waved it blindly in front of him. After a few seconds, Harry came in contact with a material that felt almost like water and recognized it instantly. It _was_ an Indivisibility Cloak!

Harry grabbed it before it could slip away between his fingers and gave a forceful pull, revealing James Potter and Sirius Black laughing hysterically. Now that they were exposed, James and Sirius appeared to have realized that they didn't have to worry about keeping quiet, and they took advantage of it; they were leaning on one another and thumping each other's back while positively howling with amusement.

Ron raised one eyebrow. "It wasn't that funny…"

"No," seethed Hermione. "It _WASN'T_."

Harry poked his dad tentively. "Da-I mean, _James_, do you think you could…um…possibly tell us the password?"

They ignored him and continued laughing.

"Um…we _really_ need to get in…"

They responded by snorting uncontrollably.

"_ALRIGHT!_" growled Hermione, causing everyone in the room to jump in surprise. "Which one of you _PERVERTS _spanked me?"

James and Sirius both went very quiet. Harry, on the other hand, was very glad that for once Hermione wasn't screaming at him and Ron. Although Ron showed no signs of being glad, he just gazed at Hermione with awe.

"Tell me or I'll curse both of you so bad you'll wish you were _DEAD_!" threatened Hermione, pointing her wand at James and Sirius.

"It w-was only a j-joke!" stammered James.

"_It was him!_" cried Sirius, pointing at James.

"It wasn't me it was _you!_"

"_You liar!_"

"What? _Me?_ How dare you soil this place with your filthy _lies!_"

"How dare _you,_ you lying git!"

"STOP IT!" yelled Harry. "Look, all we want is to get in the Common Room!"

"No! I want to find out who spanked me! The obnoxious creep!"

"I'm kinda hungry; do you think we could go to dinner? I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to starve, you know."

"Alright ENOUGH!" shouted Harry. "Hermione, let's just get this over with. So you want to know who spanked you…well we all know James is in love with Lily-"

"_Who told you?_" gasped James, clutching Sirius by the arm

"-and so that would leave Sirius," finished Harry triumphantly.

"Okay so I did it," admitted Sirius, moving close to Hermione and snaking his arm around her waist. "But I hope it won't ruin our relationship."

Hermione pried his arm off, hissing "_What _relationship?"

"Man, your cute when you're angry," added Sirius.

Ron and Hermione both glowered at Sirius.

"_Anyway_," said Harry, to the point of desperation. "We _really_ need the password, could you let us in? We're all Gryffindors."

"Anything for my cousin," crooned James, turning to the Fat Lady. "_Magizoology!_"

"Certainly," mumbled the Fat Lady sleepily, waving them in as the Portrait swung open, revealing the Gryffindor Common Room.

"Thanks a lot," said Harry to James once they crawled through. "Hey, um…do you happen to know where Lu-I mean, _Remus_ is? We have to talk to him."

James gave Harry a puzzled look, but only said "He should be in the Dormitory, here, I'll take you guys there."

Harry grabbed Ron and Hermione by the wrist and dragged them along as James waved them over to the Boy's Dorms.

Sure enough, Lupin was sitting on his bed with a book in his hands, looking up curiously to see who had entered.

Harry coughed and James quickly left, mumbling something that sounded along the lines of "_Everyone_ wants to talk to Moony!"

"Well this is a pleasant surprise," said Lupin, politely as ever. "And to what do I owe this pleasure?"

"Oh hello Lup-I mean, _Remus_," began Harry nervously. "You remember us, don't you? From the Hospital Wing?"

"Of course!" grinned Lupin. "James's cousin and his two friends from Canada! So, what did you want to see me about?"

"Um…well," said Hermione, wringing her hands anxiously. "You see, we're not…really from _Canada…_"

"Really?" asked Lupin, visibly interested. "Well then, where are you from?"

"We're from…we're from the future…" said Ron, closing his eyes immediately after speaking.

There was an awkward pause, in which Harry watched Lupin's face carefully, but it remained politely blank. After a few minutes of silence, Lupin shut his book, put it down next to him, and folded his hands in his lap, looking at the three of them expectantly.

"Well…?" prompted Lupin slowly.

"Well what?" asked Harry.

"If you're telling the truth I would very much like to know how you got here, who you are, and why you came to me," said Lupin matter-of-factly.

Harry sighed with relief. He thought that maybe Lupin wouldn't give them a chance to explain themselves, and then who would they go to? He was also reminded why Lupin was his favorite teacher; Lupin was kind, polite, open-minded, trustworthy, smart, and what's more; Lupin gave Harry lots of really good chocolate. What could be better?

Since Harry was lost in his thoughts and Ron was examining his fingernails, Hermione took it upon herself to tell the whole story to Lupin; who they were, the 'Special Prize Inside', the Time Turner, how Ron broke it, the Quidditch Game, the bludger, and finally the book '_Fixing Time Turners, for Nitwits_'.

Lupin listened patiently, never interrupting, and never changing his expression.

"And so we had to come to you," finished Hermione.

"I can't _believe_ it!" exclaimed Lupin softly. "James's and Lily's only son! The Boy Who Lived! Back in time! Simply _amazing!_"

"Isn't it?" asked Hermione nervously.

"Yes, it is," said Lupin. "And I believe you; may I please see the Time Turner?"

"Sure," said Harry, handing the Time Turner to Lupin.

Lupin examined it carefully, running one hand through his own mousey brown hair.

"I believe I can help you," said Lupin, his face turned toward Harry now. "The only problem I see is that you may have somehow disturbed the delicate balance of the space-time-continuum."

"They all talk the same," whispered Ron in Harry's ear.

"I know you have come in contact with James, Harry, but have you happened across Lily?" asked Lupin.

"Um...actually yes…" muttered Harry. "Er…is that a bad thing?"

"Yes, very serious I'm afraid," sighed Lupin. "Do you have any pictures with you?"

"Pictures?" asked Harry, taken aback.

"Yes, pictures of you or your family."

"Actually I do," said Harry, pulling out his wallet. Harry picked out the few photographs that he had of himself, James, or Lily. He then laid them out in front of Lupin, on his bed. Lupin picked up a picture and gazed at it solemnly. "This is your parents, I presume?"

"Yeah," said Harry, glancing at the photo. It was one of his favorites. In it his father was on a bed in the Hospital Wing, all bandaged up, no doubt from a Quidditch accident. His mother, Lily, had her arms wrapped around James and was kissing him passionately. They were both about sixteen, around Harry's age.

"This is when they first fell in love," smiled Harry. "Sirius told me it was some Quidditch accident that sent James to the Hospital Wing and mom was so worried about him, she went to help him get better. Then they fell in love."

"That is so _ROMANTIC…_" sobbed Ron, leaning on a disgruntled Hermione.

"Quidditch accident?" questioned Lupin. "How old were they in this photo?"

"About my age," said Harry. "They were in my year."

Suddenly Lupin's eyes widened and grabbing the photo again he gasped "Are you _sure?_"

"Yeah…" confirmed Harry, completely baffled by Lupin's reaction. "Why? What's wrong?"

"This last Quidditch Game was the last one of the year," said Lupin worriedly.

"Oh no…" squeaked Hermione.

"Huh?" asked Ron.

"Yeah, what's so terrible about that?"

"Don't you see!" said Hermione frantically. "It means that this-" Hermione pointed a shaking finger at the picture. "-should have happened after the last Quidditch Game!"

"But I still don't see-" began Harry, but Hermione interrupted again.

"_This_ was supposed to happen, but did it?"

"Uh…no."

"Exactly!"

"But why is that bad?"

"This was when your parents fell in love, but it didn't happen! Therefore, they aren't in love!"

"But I still don't get it, why didn't it happen?"

"Do you remember," growled Hermione. "A certain _someone_ who saved his father from falling off his broom the other day during a Quidditch Game?"

"Umm…" grunted Harry, trying to think.

"A certain _someone_ who ended up in bandages last night! A certain _someone_ who had been visited by his mother last night!"

"Oh."

"Wait, hold on!" exclaimed Ron with dawning comprehension. "You're talking about Adam West, aren't you?"

"No!" hissed Hermione. "We're talking about Babe Ruth, who do you _think _we're talking about?"

Breathing heavily, Hermione began to rock back and forth on her feet like a frightened child.

Lupin graciously led her to his bed and helped her sit down, offering her some chocolate.

"Hermione is right, Harry," continued Lupin gravely after Hermione was settled. "Since your parents are not in love, they might not get married and you may cease to exist."

"Well that's not good," pointed out Ron helpfully.

"Yes, I know," said Harry impatiently. "But what can we do about it?"

"Well, we can't just fix the Time Turner and leave now," said Hermione, evidently calmed down. "We've got to fix what Harry-" at this point she gave Harry a very nasty look. "-did, and we have to repair the Time Turner." This time she shot an accusing scowl at Ron.

"So, we have to make my mom and dad fall in love again?"

"Yes."

"But how?"

"I don't know," said Hermione, clutching Lupin's pillow for comfort.

"What about a dance?" asked Ron.

"There won't be any Quidditch Game until next year…" observed Harry, rubbing his chin.

Hermione began to panic again. "Are you seriously suggesting that we should stay here until next _year?_"

"Don't worry, we can't do that," soothed Lupin. "We need to do something quick so you won't ruin any more of the Time Line."

"A dance is quick," offered Ron.

"We need something romantic," said Hermione, deep in thought. "Something so romantic that it'll make James and Lily fall in love…but _what?_"

"A dance is romantic," insisted Ron.

"What do your parents like to do together, Harry?" asked Lupin.

"Well…I dunno…nothing."

"What are their interests?" questioned Hermione. "What do they have in common?"

"_I-don't-know!_" said Harry heatedly. "It's not like I got to spend a lot of time with them, people!"

"Ooh…right."

"Everyone likes dances-" started Ron, but Harry interrupted him.

"Hey, what about a dance!"

"Hmmm…" said Lupin, gazing at his flattened pillow. "You know, there _is_ a dance coming up! It's one of Slughorn's Parties!"

"Wait a _minute…_" said Ron irritably. "Why didn't I think of that?"

oOoOoOo

A/N: You know, if I had a teacher that continuously gave me chocolate, he'd be my favorite too. Oh but before I forget:

Thanks _so_ much for reviewing: **RavenWriter89**,** 'Dark-Independent-Girl-101'**, **Nightwing509**, **Seadrance**,** Professor Prongs**, **theworldisatmymercy01**,** Asteroid225**, **Imprint Of A Departed Soul** (Yes, you too), **and femaleprongslet!**

I haven't forgotten you! Thanks again for the thoughts!

_As for the rest of you-_ (glares reproachfully)

Naw, just kidding, love ya for reading.

_Until next time…_


	7. Of Aglets and Oprah

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter (though I wish I did), Back to the Future or their various quotes (I wish I owned that too...), The Chudley Cannons (I'm, once again, glad I don't own them), Montruse Magpies, The Princess Bride (as you wish!), Oprah, Chihuahuas, Soap Operas, The National Canine Championship (if they exist that is), The Tooth Fairy (Gimme some teeth!), or anything else that's too expensive for me to own.

A/N: Another installment in my story: complete! So, err, what else can I say? It's, well, alright in my opinion. Not the best written thing you'll ever see, but hey, I'm only fifteen! What do you expect? Geez. Oh, and I would like to apologize in advance for the bad country music joke. Sorry, I don't like country music much.

oOoOoOo

Harry stopped when he reached the door to the Great Hall. He remembered their plan very well, as they had been planning from dinner until lunch time. Harry, Lupin, Ron, and Hermione had planned carefully and had practiced it countless times, mostly due to the unnerving insistence from Ron. Harry knew that this part of the plan had to be flawless, or else the whole thing would be ruined. Harry knew what he had to do. He had to convince James to ask Lily out on a date.

FLASHBACKOMG

At first, when the plan was suggested by Hermione, Harry was sure that it would easy. "No problem," Harry had said. Harry remembered the tales of James's illustrious crush on Lily and assumed that getting James to ask Lily for a date would be a cinch. That is, until Lupin told him about the incident that occurred last month.

Last month on the seventeenth, Lupin told them, was the day that James had given up. James had asked Lily out once again and, as expected, Lily refused. But she refused this time with ferocity. Lily was so tired of James's flirtatiousness that she cursed James so hard that Lupin was unwilling to tell Harry, Ron, and Hermione the gruesome details.

"Sounds a bit like Ginny's Bat-bogey Hex," muttered Harry in Hermione's ear.

Lupin finished the sad tale by telling them that James's self-confidence diminished, leaving James with the belief that he was an insufferable git, causing him to claim that he "had given up on girls."

"That sounds serious," Hermione had said with concern.

"He's not _gay_, is he?" asked Harry anxiously.

"God knows _what_ he is," said Lupin sadly.

"Well if he is, he'd better not put the moves on _ME_," sniffed Ron disdainfully.

"Like anyone'd put the moves on you, Ron," laughed Hermione.

"Yes," added Lupin with amusement. "If you and James got together then technically you'd be Harry's father!"

Both Harry and Ron turned very green after this was said.

ENDOFFLASHBACKAWW

Harry shook his head and came out of his trance. He hoped very much that he wouldn't have another flashback like that again. Turning around, Harry saw Lupin, Ron, and Hermione approach him.

"Are you ready, Harry?" asked Lupin.

"I think so," said Harry nervously.

Harry put his hand on the door handle and was just about to pull when Ron stopped him suddenly.

"Don't go in there, Harry!" exclaimed Ron, pulling on Harry's arm.

"Why not?"

"It's too dangerous!"

"What…?"

Hermione crossed her arms and tapped her foot with annoyance. Lupin watched the scene unraveling before him with curiosity.

"There are lots of owls in there!" cried Ron.

"Uh…yeah, there is…" said Harry, starting to question Ron's sanity.

"But what about the R.U.S.'s!"

"Rodents of Unusual Size? I don't think they exist," said Harry dismissively, pulling the door open and stepping in.

"See?" said Harry to Ron. "Nothing happen-_GGAAAHHHH!_"

All Harry saw as he fell to the ground was a furry mass attacking his neck. Yelling for help, Harry tried to push the thing off, but it had a strong hold on his shirt. Ron and Hermione rushed to Harry's aid and pulled the growling thing off Harry's chest.

Panting for air, Harry managed to gasp "What the…BLOODY HELL …is that thing?"

"I dunno," grunted Ron, holding the growling mass at arm's length.

"I'm so sorry," said a familiar voice behind Harry. "Did Buttercup harm you?"

Harry whipped around, only to find a younger version of Gilderoy Lockhart striding toward him.

Completely shocked, Harry had the instinct to run as fast as he could. But his legs would not move, as it seemed that they had turned to lead.

Lockhart advanced toward Harry, holding out his hand and flashing a huge smile, revealing blindingly sparkling white teeth.

"Nice to meet you," grinned Lockhart, shaking Harry's limp hand. "Gilderoy Lockhart at your service. And what might your name be?"

"H-h-Harry P-I mean Hilfiger…" stammered Harry.

Hermione was staring at Lockhart with surprise and Ron dropped the furry animal he was holding and gaped at Lockhart, both apparently too shocked to say anything.

"I apologize once again for the dreadful behavior of my little Buttercup, I'm afraid she's not very fond of strangers."

"_Buttercup…?_" said Ron, disgusted.

"What _is_ that thing?" exclaimed Harry.

"She's a purebred Chihuahua," said Lockhart proudly. "First class, won the first prize in the National Canine Championship for best teeth, I'll have you know."

"That thing is a _DOG?_"

"Yes, a beauty isn't she?"

"I thought dogs weren't allowed at Hogwarts."

"Yes, well…" said Lockhart, his face a little flushed. "For some reason people seem to think that she's a rat, although I can't imagine why…"

"I can," muttered Ron darkly, apparently able to speak again.

"And who is this?" asked Lockhart cheerfully, making a grand gesture toward Ron's general direction.

"This is Ron," said Hermione abruptly. "And this is Lupin,"

"Ah I see," smiled Lockhart. "And you would be…?"

"Hermione Granger," said Hermione, raising her eyebrows. It seemed to Harry that she had gotten over her girlish crush on Lockhart from Second year.

"Well hello Hermione!" said Lockhart, winking. "I believe I haven't seen you before! That's too bad; I usually take it upon myself to personally welcome newcomers. I'm very welcoming. And I must have forgotten the date too; I normally check the billboard for new students. My goodness I'm losing my memory!"

"That not all you'll be losing if you don't shut up," muttered Ron viciously under his breath.

Harry was reminded of his second year when he and Ron actually did cause Lockhart severe memory loss. Harry felt very guilty about it, but he couldn't help but feel a little drop of satisfaction that this fake got what he deserved.

"Well, I better go sit and have lunch with my House," said Lockhart, giving them all a massive view of his teeth. "They all love me you know, can't stand two minutes without me! Dear me, what _would_ Hufflepuff be without me? Come along Buttercup."

Lockhart turned to leave and Harry wrinkled his nose in revulsion. "Well, at least he isn't giving out signed photos…"

"Poor Hufflepuff," said Lupin sympathetically.

"Wow, he's in Hufflepuff!" said Ron. "No _wonder…_"

"Well, come on Harry," encouraged Hermione. "Let's find your dad."

Hermione, Ron, and Lupin followed Harry through the rows of tables. Searching the Gryffindor table for his dad, Harry felt someone nudging his shoulder.

"Excuse me, Harry," whispered Lupin. "But I think we should separate James from Sirius and Peter so that you and him can talk in privacy."

"Good idea," nodded Harry.

"Hey, look there they are!" whispered Ron excitedly, pointing about ten feet away from them.

The four of them hurriedly weaved their way through the crowd of people who had randomly decided that they'd much rather stand in the middle of the walkway than sit down and eat lunch.

"Hey," said James, glancing at the foursome. "Where've you guys been? Playing Spin-the-Bottle?"

"No!" said Hermione defiantly. "Of course we haven't!"

"How about we play _now_, then?" said Sirius, winking.

"Umm, James, do you think we could talk?" asked Harry quickly before Hermione could hex his Godfather.

"Sure," said James, gesturing to the seat next to him.

"Erm…I mean…" said Harry, fiddling idly with his fingers. "Man-to-man? You know, _alone?_"

James gave Harry a puzzled look. "Uh, ok cuz…"

"Right, thanks."

"See you in a minute," James said to the others. Lupin simply smiled and took the seat next to Sirius who, in turn, pushed Lupin off the seat and pulled Hermione in it. Ron scowled and sat across from Hermione. Lupin rubbed his injuries and limped over to the seat next to Wormtail who was too distracted to notice anything else besides his plate.

Once Harry and James reached the end of the Gryffindor table, Harry gestured to two empty seats that were away from everyone else. James and Harry sat.

"So…James, mate…" began Harry nervously. "You know Lily, right?"

James looked over to Lily, grimacing. "Yeah…"

Harry glanced at Lily too. She was casually playing with her soup.

James sighed and turned back to Harry, but didn't look at him. Instead James stared at the table as if the leftover crumbs were the most intriguing thing in the world. But before Harry could further pursue the subject of Lily, something poking out James's pocket caught his eye. It seemed to be some sort of list…

"What are you writing?" asked Harry curiously, craning his neck so he could read some of it.

"Uh…n-nothing…" stammered James, quickly stuffing the thing deeper in his pocket. "Just a prank I'm working on…"

"Let me read some," pleaded Harry.

"Oh, no, no, no, no. I never- I never let anybody read my…erm...pranks…before they're done…"

"Why not?"

"Well, what if they didn't work? What if it turned out to be a dud? I guess that would be pretty hard for somebody to understand."

"Uh, no, no, not hard at all," said Harry softly. 'Man, he really _is _depressed! Sirius told me he usually couldn't wait to show someone his pranks!' "So anyway, James, about Lily…um… she really likes you..."

"What?" said James, puzzled. "She _hates_ me! She's hated me for _years!_"

"Well…er…she changed her mind…uh…she told me to tell you that she wants you to ask her to Slughorn's dance."

"Really?" asked James hopefully.

"Oh yeah," continued Harry eagerly. "All you gotta do is go over there and ask her."

"What?" asked James, color draining from his face. "Right here, right now in the Great Hall? What if she said no? I don't know if I could take another rejection…besides, I think she'd rather go with somebody else."

"Uh, who?" said Harry, taken aback.

James pointed in the general direction of Lily. "Lockhart."

Sure enough, Harry whipped around (cricking his neck in the process) and saw to his bewilderment that Lockhart had his arm around a disgruntled-looking Lily. It seemed that Lockhart had better things to do at the moment than crooning over his precious Buttercup.

"You know you want me," Lockhart purred in her ear, his teeth gleaming and one of his eyebrows arched heroically. "You know you want me to give it to you…"

James turned back to Harry, gripping the table so hard his knuckles were white. His face went from snow white to deep scarlet so fast Harry knew it would have made Uncle Vernon proud.

"Erm…James?" said Harry timidly. "Are you okay…?"

"I'm fine," said James gruffly. "I've given up on girls."

"Er…what does that mean…exactly…?"

James shook his head. "She _hates_ me. End of story. I've tried to be…less pompous, but I always seem to make _something_ go wrong."

It made Harry want to cry, seeing his dad like this. 'Wow, this would make a good Soap Opera' thought Harry.

"It's just…" continued James, sobbing slightly in his shirt sleeve. "Whenever I try to do something right…she _hates_ me for it! I…I…I don't understand what I'm doing wrong…"

To Harry's wonderment, the sound of a violin playing appeared out of nowhere.

"…Oh why…? _Why…?_ Why does she hate me so…?"

Harry looked around curiously for the source of the sound.

"I'm just a git…a _git_…no wonder she hates me…"

Bemused, Harry stopped looking and listened hard for the violin, shifting his eyes back and forth dramatically. For some reason it seemed to be coming form under the table…

"Oh cruel, _cruel_ fate!"

"Erm…" said Harry slowly. "I'll…be right back…"

James sniffed mournfully in reply.

Harry dived under the table, only to find Ron playing the violin next to James's legs.

"Ron…?" whispered Harry, raising his eyebrows. "My dad and I are supposed to be having a _private _conversation! What the in the name of Oprah are you doing under here? Where did you get a violin! How did you learn to play so well…?"

"Oh," said Ron awkwardly, ceasing his harmonious tune. "Er…I'll…just go now…"

Harry bit back a groan and slithered back to his seat. Glancing back at Lockhart and Lily, Harry saw that Lockhart was now on the ground with a very bad black eye. Lily was no where in sight.

"Um…" said Harry, trying very hard to repress his laughter. "Sorry about that…I…erm… lost my…_aglet_…"

Expecting a reply or at least a whimper, Harry looked around for James and found that he was nowhere to be seen.

'Ditched by my own father!' thought Harry, astounded. 'Can this day get any weirder?'

Searching around, once again, for his father, Harry's eyes wandered over to the main door of the Great Hall. Squinting his eyes, Harry saw a shock of messy black hair and a Gryffindor robe whip around the corner.

Harry stood up; about to follow James when he saw a paper laying on the seat that James had recently departed from.

'Hmm…what's this? Oh, it's the list that James had been hiding earlier. He must have dropped it…'

This is what it said:

'James Potter's List of Things He Hates:  
By James Potter

1. Snivillus- I hate that scab-eating, greasy-faced git. Him and his Dark Arts. He thinks he's so scary, well he's not! Besides, hasn't he _ever_ heard of shampoo?

2. Lily- I _hate_ her! I can't stand her long, silky, red hair and beautiful green eyes….and her fiery attitude and sexy body and-I just _HATE HER_.

3. Jessica Simpson- ProActive _so _doesnot work.

4. Lockhart- I wish that pompous, selfish, stuck-up, stupid, arrogant, conceited snob would just drop dead! If he so much as _looks_ at Lily again I'll…do…something…bad-not that I like Lily, I _hate_ her…I think…

5. The Tooth Fairy- ok, so some broad sneaks into your room while you're sleeping and gives you a freaking _knut_ for your treasured tooth that took you so long to pull out? What's up with that? I mean, the idea of some lady sneaking into your room is scary enough, but a _knut?_ Actually, some lady sneaking into my room doesn't sound too bad…but not the Tooth Fairy! Besides, I've been mortally afraid of her since that floss incident...it pains me to think about it…

6. The Chudley Cannons- I mean, who _doesn't_ hate them? They suck! Now the Montrose Magpies, they're bloody brilliant.

7. Hairless Cats- Yuck.

8. Country Music- Discourage Inbreeding: BAN THE COUNTRY MUSIC!

9. Asparagus- Nature's worst mistake.

10. Harry's red-headed friend- okay, so I don't hate him, I hardly know him. I just think he's kinda strange…'

Harry checked the back; there was nothing of importance. Just random doodles including several snitches with the words Lily, L+J, Lily Potter, and I love Lily written inside of them. There was also a small drawing involving Snape surrounded by hungry cannibals while he was tied to a railroad with an oncoming train approaching. Not to mention the flying monkeys holding sledge hammers above him.

Harry smiled mischievously. Maybe this would come in handy after all…

oOoOoOo

A/N: **aglet:**/ Pronunciation Key (ag-lit) _n_ **1. **A metal tag or sheath at the end of a lace used for tying, as of a shoe lace.

Just so you know what an aglet is, I wasn't being suggestive. …Or WAS I?

Ha. Got you there. I'll just leave it to your imagination then.

So, like it? Hate it? Tell me so! And thanks to those of you who reviewed!


	8. Man, I Feel Like a Woman

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter (though I wish I did), Back to the Future or their various quotes (I wish I owned that too...), Barry Manilow (eww), Viagra (It's for men ONLY), Jessica Simpson, EBay, the Black-Market, Goat Milk (yuck), Waldo (where _is_ he anyway?), The Tooth Fairy (I'll knock your teeth out!), or anything else that's too expensive for me to own.

A/N: The Plot Thickens, eh? So anyways, this one is funny. At least in my opinion. So, review if you don't want me to die a cold, lonely death. Not knowing what my readers think…oh the horror. Enjoy!

oOoOoOo

"I can't _believe _I let you talk me into this!" wailed Ron mournfully.

"Oh come on," said Harry, trying very hard not to laugh. "It's not that bad."

"Not that _bad?_" roared Ron furiously. "_Not that BAD?_ That's the _best_ you can come up with?"

Harry bit his lip, attempting to stifle his urge to howl with laughter. Unfortunately, Ron recognized this attempt and gave Harry a very nasty look. Harry knew that Ron regretted being persuaded by Harry. And he also knew Ron had plenty of reason to regret it.

Harry had tried and failed to convince James to ask Lily out on a date, even though it was painfully obvious that James was still desperately in love with her. He was surprised by this outcome; Harry was so sure that James would do almost anything for his precious cousin. But love, however, proved to be a very personal subject with James and even his own "cousin" could not influence James' determination to ensue his love elsewhere.

So, this caused Lupin, Ron, Hermione, and Harry to return back to the drawing board. They now knew that they couldn't use people James cared about to persuade James to ask Lily out. But what other influence could they employ to affect James' decision? They couldn't use fondness…could they use anger, jealousy, tricks…maybe even fear?

That's when it hit Harry. They could use _fear_. Harry remembered the list that James conveniently dropped. The list of things that James hated. Harry read the list and analyzed the possibilities: they couldn't use Quidditch teams, Lily, Jessica Simpson, Snape, Lockhart, asparagus, country music, hairless cats, or Ron. But they could use the one thing that James said he was mortally afraid of: the Tooth Fairy. Then again, maybe they _could _use Ron…

"Okay," huffed Ron, sitting down on Lupin's bed. "Lemme get this straight: you want me to go down to James' bed in _this_-" Ron gestured with disgust at the pink and purple Tooth Fairy outfit he was wearing, "-and convince him to ask Lily out?"

"Exactly," said Harry.

"But why?"

"James is terrified of the Tooth Fairy," explained Harry. "He said so in his list. You may be thinking: _'but the Tooth Fairy isn't real, why should James believe it?'_ Well there is such thing as magic, right? Plus, we'll send you out in the middle of the night, that way we'll have an advantage because James will be too tired to think straight. And even though he might think it was a dream, he'll be spooked for sure, so we have to give it a try."

Ron opened his mouth in horror. "The Tooth Fairy isn't _real?_"

Harry stared at Ron with vague incredulity before saying "Sorry Ron, but there is no Tooth Fairy…"

"Everything I once knew is a _lie!_" sobbed Ron dramatically.

But before Harry could comfort Ron or quietly escape, the door to the dorm opened and Hermione entered, looking a bit surprised at Ron's sorrow.

"Wow," said Hermione softly. "He's taking it a lot harder than I expected…"

"No, he just found out that the Tooth Fairy isn't real," said Harry indifferently.

"Ah," said Hermione, stepping over Ron, who was now hiccupping on the floor.

"So, did you tell Lupin about the plan for tonight?"

"Oh yes, he knows and he's going to make sure James is in bed at the right time."

"Good, I really hope this works."

"Well, it all really depends on Ron; he has to give a convincing performance."

"What do you think Ron, can you do that?"

"I was a born actor," sniffed Ron scathingly. "Of _course _I could do it! I only have one question though."

"What is it?" asked Harry.

"Why _me?_ Why couldn't it have been Hermione?"

"Oh, I think you look very pretty in a dress Ron," smirked Hermione.

"I do not!"

"Why yes, I think the purple roses really bring out your eyes."

"That's not true!"

"Oh but the dress fits you just right…"

"But you're a girl; it'd look a lot better on you!

"I don't really have the figure for it," snickered Hermione.

"What do you mean? You have a _great _figure!"

Hermione's eye's widened and her eyebrows became a part of her hairline. Ron's face became the same color as his hair once he had realized what he had just said. "N-not that I look at your b-body or anything…"

"James wouldn't be frightened of Hermione in a Tooth Fairy costume," interjected Harry quickly. "He would have just thought that some chick in a fancy dress came to visit him in his bed. No offence Ron, but you look _terrifying_ in a Tooth Fairy dress."

"No fair," complained Ron, crossing his arms.

"Sorry Ron, but James would recognize me easily. I look exactly like him, remember?"

"But _still_. And besides, where did you _get_ this dress anyway?"

Harry blushed. "I have my _connections…_"

Hermione and Ron paused for a second while Harry regained his composure.

"Alright then…" said Hermione, checking her (of course, solar-powered) watch. "It's almost nine. We'd better hurry and get Ron ready."

"Ok," said Harry, rubbing his chin. "We still need to fix his hair..."

"No problem," said Hermione, pulling out her wand. "Let's see…_Blondigus Wiginess!_"

Harry watched with a mixture of amazement and revulsion as Ron's hair grew long and flowing, changing from fiery red to almost platinum blonde.

"AH!" cried Ron, clutching his head. "My hair! My beautiful, sexy red _hair!_"

Harry raised his eyebrows. "He needs a crown too."

Without a word Hermione conjured a large plastic crown decorated with purple roses and shiny pink hearts from her wand. "Here you are Ron."

Ron grudgingly took the crown from Hermione and dropped it on his head. "I feel like a bloody _girl_."

"Well, you're dressed like one," pointed out Harry.

"Thanks, Harry. _Really_."

"No problem."

"Hmm…" mumbled Hermione thoughtfully, gazing at Ron. "He needs a wand…give me your wand Ron."

"What?" gasped Ron, blushing furiously. "Right _now?_ Right in front of _Harry?_ It might be best if we waited until the room is empty and-"

"No you _idiot!_" seethed Hermione. "Give me your _WOODEN WAND!_"

"Oh…that…" muttered Ron sheepishly, looking slightly disappointed. "Here…"

Ron handed Hermione his…erm…_WOODEN _wand while Harry repressed a fit of laughter. Hermione took the wand and examined it, pointing her wand at the tip of Ron's. "_Wandicus Decoratioso!_"

Ron's wand gave a violent shudder and then turned a glistening white. Pink vines twisted around it from the bottom to the tip, producing small purple roses at various places. A large, shiny, silver star emerged from the tip of the wand, showering everything within a 5-foot radius with sparkles.

"Here you are, Ronald," said Hermione promptly, handing Ron his newly decorated wand.

Ron cringed and gripped the thing by his thumb and his index finger, holding it at arm's length. "Erm…_thanks_…"

Hermione searched through her pocket, pulling out several tubes of various sizes and colors. "Oh and here's some makeup I brought you. I thought you might need to look less like a boy in a fairy costume."

Hermione shoved them into Ron's hands. Ron stared at the mass of tubes for a while and then looked helplessly at Hermione.

"Oh alright," sighed Hermione, gesturing to a nearby chair.

Ron sat down eagerly and held the makeup out to Hermione, who took them and began to untwist the lid of one of the tubes.

"So Hermione," said Harry. "Did you and Lupin work on the Time Turner?"

"Oh yes," said Hermione, rubbing some blush on Ron's cheeks. "The book is extremely helpful, and so is Lupin, but I'm afraid that fixing the Time Turner is turning out to be dreadfully complicated. It could take about a week to fix it."

"A _week…?_" gasped Harry.

"Yes, but hopefully we'll get your parents to fall in love during that time."

"Hermione?"

"Hmm?"

"Why aren't you using magic to put that makeup on Ron?"

Hermione gave Harry a reproachful glance before applying lip-gloss to Ron's lips. "Well, why do people put _Canadian_ bacon on _Hawaiian_ pizza? Just because I'm good at magic doesn't mean I need to use it all the time you know!"

"But what does pizza-?"

"I mean, come _on _Harry! I think that doing everyday things the muggle way would be a great experience! The average wizard seems to feel that they have to show off their fancy- hold _still _Ron- magic around everyone else just because they can! You don't have to be so lazy Harry."

"But I wasn't-" started Harry, but Hermione cut him off, continuing her monologue.

"Just because you have magic doesn't mean you can't do things the muggle way! (Ronald, stop whimpering for Pete's sake, you'll only make it worse!) Why, before I knew I was a witch, I had to…"

Harry droned Hermione out at this point. He had much experience with Hermione's speeches, for he had to sit through many of them during his stay at Hogwarts. Harry learned how to ignore Hermione while she talked. He even taught himself to nod every once in a while and appear to be listening politely during her never-ending lectures.

While Hermione went on with her reprimanding, Harry thought about many things. He contemplated about how he was going to get back to his own time; he wondered what he had said to set Hermione off, and he debated over how he was going to get a picture of Ron in his dress so that he could sell it on EBay…or maybe even the Black-market. He also pondered the ways of the world, the exact process of making goat milk, and precisely where Waldo was.

Harry was about move on to the subject of Barry Manilow when he heard a faint sound. It sounded like people talking, and it sounded like they were about to enter the same room Harry, Ron, and Hermione were.

"Hermione, shh!" whispered Harry, interrupting Hermione's speech. "I think someone's coming…"

"But you can't go in there!" said one frantic voice outside the door.

"Why not?" said another. "I need to get something from-"

"_Don't!_ I mean, it's occupied right now…there's someone in there clipping their hang nail…it's really disgusting…you wouldn't want to hear the screams…"

"Who?"

"Umm…no one…of consequence…"

"Well, all the more reason for me to go in then, eh? Maybe I could sell their nail on _EBAY!_"

"No-_stop_-don't!"

Hermione dropped the eyeliner she was holding and clutched onto Ron's dress in a panic. Ron grabbed a nearby pillow and attempted to conceal himself behind it. Harry gasped as the door opened with a loud, foreboding squeak.

Lupin entered the room first; his back to Harry and the others and holding out his arms as if to block the room from the other person's view. The other person came in; pushing Lupin's flailing arms aside and revealing himself to be Sirius.

Sirius stopped short at the sight of Ron, his eyes widening and his mouth open slightly.

"Erm…hello…" said Harry slowly, waiting for his Godfather's reaction.

"_Oi!_" barked Sirius to Harry. "Where's the nail…what are…oh wait, it's you Harry!"

"Er...I can explain…" said Lupin anxiously.

"No need!" grinned Sirius. "This here is Harry, James' cousin, this is! You can come here anytime Harry…but what exactly _are_ you doing in here…?"

"Umm, well," said Hermione abruptly. "We were just…you know, hanging out, and I was trying some makeup on my new friend…erm…"

"Rhonda," said Harry quickly. "Her name's Rhonda."

Ron's eyes widened in horror.

"Nice to meet you Rhonda," said Sirius, cocking his eyebrow at Ron.

"Well, yes," said Lupin nervously. "She's a very nice girl to meet now, isn't she? But shouldn't we be _going_ now…?"

"No, no, no," smiled Sirius. "I want to get to know Rhonda…" Sirius moved toward Ron, making sure to swagger in a very manly way.

"So," said Hermione, standing up. "You want to know Rhonda? Well she likes long walks on the beach, piña coladas, and getting caught in the rain. There, now you know her. Isn't that right, _Rhonda?_"

"Umm…yes…" squeaked Ron, adjusting his voice so that it sounded vaguely feminine.

Sirius ran his hand through his hair. "Well," purred Sirius, his arms had now moved from his head to both Hermione and Ron's shoulders in an instant. "I think we should _all _get to know each other even better, don't you?"

"You've been taking Viagra again, haven't you Padfoot?" sighed Lupin.

"So nice of you to notice, Remy _darling!_" said Sirius, blowing a kiss to Lupin.

Lupin cringed.

"So Sirius," Harry cut in hastily. "Who are you going to take to Slughorn's dance?"

"Why, Remy dear, of course!"

Lupin rolled his eyes. "He's being _serious_…er…Sirius…"

Sirius sighed. "You people have no sense of humor. Fine, I dunno who I'm taking…but I was actually hoping to ask a certain someone…" Sirius winked at Hermione.

"But I'm going to take her!" blurted Ron.

Hermione kicked Ron in the shin.

"…What?" asked Sirius, taken aback.

"What Rhonda _means_ is that I'll be going on a _double date_ with her…" hissed Hermione.

"Oh, break my heart, will you?" sniffed Sirius. "Fine, but I'll get you next time. Who're you going with?"

"Ah…"

"She's going with me," said Lupin hastily.

"With you…?" asked Sirius, giving Lupin an incredulous stare. "But I thought nothing could come between us Moony!"

Hermione gave Lupin a thankful smile. "Yes, I'm afraid I'm going with Remus…looks like you'll just have to ask someone else!"

"Well, who's Rhonda going with?"

"No one, actually," said Harry, grinning wickedly.

Ron made a noise that sounded like a cat being run over by a very large vehicle.

Sirius beamed at Ron. "Let's make it a date then, shall we?"

"Well I-" started Ron, but Hermione kicked him again. "_Ow!_ Fine!"

"Brilliant!" exclaimed Sirius, giving Ron one of his patented 'Sirius Black Winks'.

Ron turned very green.

"I'd best be off then," chirped Sirius, walking toward the door. "See you later, _Rhondikinns!_"

It barely took a few seconds for Ron to turn from green to red. "Harry…why…how…_could you?_"

"I figured that this is your punishment for breaking the Time Turner in the first place."

"But…_RHONDA?_"

"You better believe it," smirked Harry. Hermione and Lupin both began to snigger.

"_I'M GONNA KILL YOU HARRY POTTER!_" bellowed Ron, lunging at Harry and grabbing him around the neck. Harry fell to the ground, twisting and squirming. Once Harry realized he couldn't get free, he began to fight back, pulling and tugging on Ron's long hair.

"Ron…stop…" grunted Harry.

"You…_GIT_…" panted Ron.

"Stop it!" shouted Hermione angrily. "We don't have _time_ for this!"

They both ignored her completely and continued to kill each other. Lupin jumped into the fight and attempted to pull Harry and Ron apart, but instead receiving several badly-aimed punches in the chest.

"STOP IT!" roared Hermione, causing Harry, Ron and Lupin to freeze.

"Right," panted Hermione to a now very silent room. "We need to finish getting Ron ready for tonight. Then all of us will leave, except for Ron that is."

"Why?" asked Ron, puzzled.

"You'll need to hide in the closet until James falls asleep. That way we won't have to risk you blundering through the door and waking everyone up."

Ron's face turned scarlet. "I don't blunder…"

Harry scoffed. "_Must_ we remind you whose fault this is anyway? You're the one who broke the Time Turner!"

"Yes," said Hermione, rolling her eyes. "But it was _you_, Harry, who ruined your parents relationship by _blundering_ out on that Quidditch Field."

It was Harry's turn to blush. Ron laughed triumphantly while Lupin attempted to stifle his giggles.

"Anyway," continued Hermione. "Harry and I will watch from outside using a simple transparency spell on the door."

"_Simple?_" mouthed Ron to Harry. Harry only shrugged; his face still mercilessly red.

"Right," said Lupin, rubbing his hands together. "So is there anything else we need to get…er…_Rhonda_ ready?"

Hermione surveyed Ron, whose face had turned bright red at the word 'Rhonda'.

"Hmm…" said Hermione thoughtfully. "He needs some nail polish."

"_What?_" gasped Ron, crossing his arms over his chest and hiding his nails defensively.

"Give me your nails Ron," prompted Hermione, pulling out her wand.

"What nails?" asked Ron, shifting his eyes back and forth.

"…Ron!"

"I can't it's…it's against the laws of manhood!"

"Do it _now_ Ron!"

"NEVER!"

"Fine," Hermione gave a wicked grin. "I supposed we'll have to do it the hard way then." Hermione gave a lazy flick of her wand, exclaiming "_Accio Ron's nails!_"

"What NO-_AAAAHHH!_" Ron screamed in a very high-pitched girly voice as his hands pulled him towards Hermione at about 88 miles per hour.

Hermione sighed and grabbed Ron's wrists before he or the spell could yank them away. "Harry, could I have some help here?" she said, nodding towards Ron's struggling body.

"Oh…yeah." Harry grabbed Ron from around the waist and held his arms in place. Lupin looked as if he couldn't help if he wanted to; he was too busy nursing his wounds.

Hermione waved her wand over Ron's wiggling nails and they turned the color of hot pink as the wand passed over them. Ron fought his way out of Harry's grasp and stood up, staring mournfully at his newly manicured fingernails.

"Right," said Hermione, checking her watch again. "It's almost time, let's go. _Stay _Ron."

Hermione started toward the door, with Harry and Lupin following, leaving an infuriated Ron behind.

"So long _Rhondipoo!_" cried Harry, blowing a frivolous kiss to Ron.

Harry quickly escaped before Ron could cause some serious harm to him, grinning wickedly as he heard Ron muttering a long string of cusswords behind him.

oOoOoOo

Hermione and Harry crouched down near the entrance to James' dorm.

"Are you all set Ron?" whispered Hermione into what appeared to be a small black microphone that attached to her shirt collar.

"Yeah, let's get this over with," came the reply.

Hermione had a tiny earphone in her ear that enabled her to hear what Ron had grumbled into his own microphone. Harry, Lupin, and Ron also had earphones so that they could hear each other, however; only Ron and Hermione had the microphones. This was because Lupin was supposed to pretend he was asleep while Ron talked to James and therefore could not whisper into a small microphone. Hermione also said that she thought it was probable that Harry might mess up the whole thing, so just in case, Harry was to remain microphoneless.

Harry was a bit irritable about what Hermione had said and stayed in a fairly grumpy mood for at least fifteen minutes. During this Hermione and the others ignored him while he wondered crossly where on earth Hermione got these bloody devices and why the hell they worked at Hogwarts.

"But why do we even need to use these whatchamacallits?" voiced Ron irritably.

"Because," sighed Hermione. "Me telling you what to say will be a lot easier on us all. I can at least guide you! That way, you won't muddle things up."

"But I can improvise!" huffed Ron indignantly.

"Ron _please,_ not now…" complained Hermione, rubbing her forehead. "It already took me forever to teach you how to use these things. And all you have to do is speak into them!"

"Hmph," sniffed Ron derisively.

Hermione rolled her eyes and pointed her wand toward the door, muttering a Transparency Spell on the door so that she and Harry could see through it easily, but no one inside could see them.

Footsteps behind them alerted them of Lupin's presence.

"Quick," whispered Lupin urgently to Harry and Hermione. "He's coming, and he say's he's exhausted!"

"Ron," muttered Hermione into her microphone. "Are you ready?"

"I was _born _ready," answered Ron heroically.

Harry snorted into his shirt sleeve.

oOoOoOo

"_AHHHH!_" bellowed James, sitting up in his bed and staring at Ron with horror. 'It's a good thing Lupin cast a stifling spell on Peter and Sirius' ears,' thought Harry, startled at how loud his father could yell.

"Erm…hi…" said Ron in an unnaturally high-pitched voice. James had started to hyperventilate.

"Oh dear," said Hermione to herself. "I hope we don't kill him…tell him who you are Ron."

"You don't happen to know who I am, do you?" asked Ron. James said nothing, but only stared at Ron in terror.

"Well, I'm the Tooth Fairy…"

"B-but I don't h-have any b-baby t-teeth…" stammered James, clutching his blanket.

"Uh…yeah I know, but you need to do something for me."

"Why?" asked James fearfully.

"Because I'm the Tooth Fairy stupid," snapped Ron heatedly.

"Is…is this a bad dream…?"

"If it was would I tell you?"

"Good point."

"Now tell him what you need him to do Ron," added Hermione hastily.

"You see, I need you to ask Lily on a date for me."

James gasped. "_You _want to go out on a date with _Lily?_ This _must_ be a bad dream."

Hermione and Harry both groaned in unison.

"_NO!_ No, no, no way!" said Ron quickly. "I want _you_ to ask Lily on a date! With _YOU!_ Get it?"

James' eyes widened and he pulled his knees against his chest. "I…can't…I've given up on girls…"

"What? Are you gay now or something?"

"Well actually I-"

"Never mind, don't answer that. Anyway you _have_ to ask Lily out and-"

"But I can't! She hates me!"

"No, she _thinks_ she hates you, but she really doesn't. There's a difference you see."

"Oh."

"Ask him if he'll do it!" whispered Hermione into the microphone.

"So…" said Ron awkwardly, fiddling with one of the purple roses on his dress. "Does that mean you'll do it and make my job easier?"

James gazed wide-eyed at Ron's wand (NO pun intended). "I dunno…I told you I gave up on Lily…for the sake of the plot!"

"Oh come on," exclaimed Ron infuriatingly. James cowered behind his pillow. "Why can't you see that you are still in love with Lily? For Merlin's sake, can't you just try one more time? It might be your last chance! And she might even say yes this time! Besides, do you want Lockhart to get your one true love _instead?_"

James peeked out from over his pillow. "N-no…"

Harry gaped at Ron. He never thought Ron could say more than four sentences at a time.

"Wow Ron," said Hermione, vaguely stunned. "I didn't know you had it in you! That was quite a speech! "

"And if you don't I'll stuff this dress down your throat," finished Ron.

"And now it's ruined…" sighed Hermione.

Harry crammed his fist in his mouth in order to keep from laughing.

"Alright f-fine…" whimpered James. "I'll…I'll _try_…"

Ron gave a satisfied grin. "Good."

"Just…please don't hurt me…"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah…" muttered Ron. "Don't get your knickers in a twist…here…um…go back to sleep."

James blinked at Ron timidly.

"Oh…" Ron paused for a second.

"Ron," murmured Hermione. "You have to get him to sleep, use a spell or something. Just don't-"

Ron bashed the side of James' head with his wand. James fell over instantly and did not move.

Hermione held her head in her hands. "-do that…"

Ron got up from James' bed and dusted off his dress.

"Okay," said Harry cheerfully, rising to his feet. "Now we're making progress…"

oOoOoOo

A/N: Where do I get all my wonderful ideas you ask? Well, you see, there's this thing called chocolate…

But I'll quit being so modest. True, I do like this chapter, but it isn't exactly genius work. More like pure lunacy. So, if you have any constructive advice, it would be greatly appreciated.

Later!


	9. Odd Insinuations & Unwanted Invitations

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter (though I wish I did), Back to the Future or their various quotes (I wish I owned that too...), GameBoy (MARIO!), The Tooth Fairy (I'll meet you tonight, in your ROOM), British slang (What the hell is a wanker anyway?), American slang ("Americans are weird."), or anything else that's too expensive for me to own.

A/N: So this chapter is...well...I like to say different (as in confusing). There's a lot going on and it's quite colorful, but a bunch of it doesn't make sense since I'm practically scrambling to find various explanations for certain things and so forth. Also, I'm trying not to make a whole novel out of this thing. My goal is to finish it in the next three or four chapters. We'll see how it goes.

Anyway, thanks _soooo_ much to those of you who reviewed! You guys really boost my confidence. Seriously, I know I'm not the greatest writer in the world, but that's why I love fanfiction so much. It's great practice and its fun too. But you guys already know that, don't you? So I'll stop boring you with my personal issues. Let's get back to the story, shall we?

CAUTION: A bit of _mild_ language in this chapter, and most likely in the future chapters as well. So if you're sensitive to those kinds of things (Or if you're Mormon); BEWARE!

Oh and also, I forgot to mention: this story takes place in their sixth year, in case you haven't already noticed. Book six is disregarded, although this _is_ a humor fic after all, so I doubt I'll really get into all that serious stuff within the Harry Potter series.

(Just kidding about the Mormon thing guys, no need to get so excited. Geez.)

oOoOoOo

"Ron," sighed Harry, rubbing his temples. "Why are you following me? I told you to stay in dormitory, or the Common Room, just anywhere but here!"

Ron sniffed disdainfully. "I can go wherever I want, you can't boss me around!"

Harry gave a wicked grin. "Yes, but I know who can…"

As if on cue, Hermione came striding toward them, books in hand.

Ron's brows furrowed, he seemed to be giving the new circumstances some contemplation.

"What's going on Harry?" asked Hermione once she had reached them.

"Ron won't leave," complained Harry. "And we already told him he couldn't come!"

"But I want to watch the _show!_" whined Ron.

"Ron, stop being so difficult," snapped Hermione crankily. "I thought we already discussed this last night; you can't come, it might jeopardize the situation!"

"What could I possibly do to _jep…or…ize…_the situation?" asked Ron stubbornly.

Hermione rolled her eyes. "You're _you_ Ron; Merlin _knows_ what your twisted mind could come up with! This is a very crucial part in the plan, we can't chance it!"

Ron pouted. "Can I at least watch from a distance?" he said, looking pleadingly at Harry and Hermione.

"It won't be that exciting anyway!" cried Harry in frustration. "All I'll be doing is convincing James to ask Lily out, it's no big deal!"

"But weird stuff always seems to happen!" insisted Ron. "Besides, I was the one who had to dress up like a bloody girl in order for you to be able to get James to ask her out anyway!"

Harry hesitated for a few moments before saying anything. He hadn't thought of it that way…

"Oh _please?_" begged Ron, getting down on his knees and grabbing Hermione's hands, causing her to drop her books on the ground. Hermione scowled and withdrew her hands irritably, snatching up her books.

Ron frowned and turned to Harry instead. "Come on Harry," pleaded Ron, his eyes getting bigger by the second. "_I'm your best friend…_"

Harry looked away. He couldn't bare it when Ron made his eyes big. Harry would give in to almost anything when Ron did that, and Ron knew it.

"_Please…?_"

Harry glanced warily at Hermione.

"It's up to you Harry, but be cautious," she warned.

Harry gazed back at Ron. Ron's eyes were about a big as plates, and looked very much like a bunny's eyes or some other adorable animal.

"Yes _alright_," sighed Harry, causing Ron to squeal with glee. "But you can only watch from a distance, and Hermione has to watch you."

"_W-what?_" sputtered Hermione. "I'm not a babysitter!"

"Oh come on Hermione, don't be such a sod, it'll only be for lunch," replied Harry.

Ron made the eyes at her now.

Hermione closed her eyes tightly. "I won't, I won't _I won't…_" She peeked at Ron through squinted eyes. A few moments later she gave in. "Fine," she muttered, resigned to her fate. "I'll do it, but you _owe _me!"

Ron beamed.

"Great, let's go," said Harry, glancing at his (solar-powered) watch as he dragged Ron and Hermione along. "Now we just need to find James…"

"Hey Harry!" called James, running after Harry like a madman. "WAIT UP!"

"Oh hello James," said Harry, stopping his brisk walk so that James could catch up to him. You weren't at class, what have you been doing all day?"

"I over slept," panted James, putting his hands on his knees for support. "Look, I need your help. I have to ask Lily out, but I don't know how to do it." James paused for a second, apparently realizing that he and Harry were not alone.

"Ron and Hermione already know James, its ok."

James nodded at Ron and Hermione, who acknowledged him back. "So anyways, I need to find Lily," James said urgently.

"Alright, okay listen, keep your pants on, she's over in the Great Hall," said Harry, smiling slightly to himself. "What made you change your mind, James?"

James stopped panting and gave Harry a frightened look. "Last night, the Tooth Fairy came to my room…and she told me that if I didn't take Lily out on date, that she'd stuff her dress down my throat..."

Ron coughed loudly, his infliction sounding oddly like he was trying to cover up for having a laughing fit. Hermione elbowed Ron hard in the ribs and Harry grimaced. He could hardly believe that his dad was stupid enough to think what had happened last night was real. "Yeah, well uh…let's keep this _dress-stuffing_ stuff to ourselves, okay?"

"Oh, sure, yeah."

Harry led James to the entrance of the Great Hall, while Ron and Hermione followed, making sure to keep slightly behind them. Harry spotted a glint of long red hair at the Gryffindor table, easily recognizing it as his mother's. "Alright, there she is, James. Just go in there and invite her."

James looked as if he would rather throw himself off the Eiffel Tower. He was wringing his hands nervously very similar to the way Hermione did. His eyes were almost as wide as Ron's were a few moments ago, but looked like a deer caught in a headlight rather than some other form of a pleading forest creature. "O-okay Harry… but I don't know what to say…"

"Just say anything, James, say what ever's natural, the first thing that comes to your mind."

"Nothing's coming to my mind!" squeaked James, wiping sweat off his forehead.

"But _James_," cried Harry frustratingly. "You used to do this all the time! You would ask her out every single day!"

"But there's one tiny detail you're missing," scoffed James. "She refused every time! Every _bloody_ time since first year!"

"That's not the point," insisted Harry. For Pete's sake, James, it's a wonder I was ever born."

"What, who's Pete?"

"Nothing, nothing," said Harry hastily. "Look, tell her destiny has brought you together, tell her that she's the most beautiful girl you have ever seen. Girls like that stuff. What, what are you doing James?"

James had gotten out a notepad and was scribbling frantically on it with his quill. "I'm writing this down, this is good stuff."

Ron gawked over James' shoulder. "Hey Harry, where did you _learn _all this romantic stuff?"

Harry paused for a second; Ron and James were staring at him. Hermione walked over, also appearing interested.

Harry chose his words carefully. "I've had…_experience_…"

"With who?" demanded Ron.

"Er…no one in particular…"

"I think you're bluffing!"

"Am not!"

"It wasn't Hannah Abbot, was it?"

Harry scoffed. "Of _course_ not!"

"Who then?"

"I already told you! No one…"

"Was it Ginny?" asked Ron suspiciously. "_It had better not…_"

"…No…"

"Was it a Slytherin?"

"Possibly…"

Ron gasped. "Not Parkinson, please not Parkinson…!"

Harry shook his head.

"Hahaha, it was Malfoy then, wasn't it?" joked Ron.

Harry's face turned pale.

Ron stopped, disbelief written all over his face.

"_It can't be…!_"

Slowly, Harry nodded.

"_No way!_"

Harry gulped.

"That's not true!" blurted Ron. "Malfoy said I was the only one for him!"

"Malfoy?" asked James, curiously. "You mean Lucius Malfoy? Because last night Lucius said he and I had a connection…"

The three paused; an awkward silence between them. Ron's face was bright red; he was glaring at Harry furiously. Harry, avoiding Ron's glare, fiddled idly with his shirt sleeve. James looked as if his heart were broken.

Hermione, on the other hand, looked positively shocked. "I thought we were here to get James to ask a _girl _on a date! Let's get back to reality, shall we?"

"That _still_ doesn't explain how you know so much about romantic stuff…" mumbled Ron crossly.

"Anyway," muttered Harry, shaking his head. "Erm…where was I? Oh yes; James…I thought you used to ask girls on dates all the time…what happened?"

James sighed. "Lily's different Harry…I always seem to mess things up around her…whenever I'm near her I either stammer like an idiot or show off like a pompous prat. I can't help it, none of my charm works on her! It's like she's immune!" James fiddled with his notepad, looking miserable. "I don't know what it is about her…she's the only girl who hates me and I _love_ her!"

"That is so SAD!" sobbed Ron.

Head pounding, Harry turned around to find Ron bawling hysterically on a tetchy Hermione's shoulder.

Hermione sighed. "Ron, I wish you would stop doing that."

"Hey guys…" said Harry slowly. "Do you mind if James and I had some _privacy _please?"

Hermione shoved a scandalized Ron off her shoulder. "Sorry Harry, but he kept inching forward and trying to eavesdrop." She glared at Ron.

"I was curious!" defended Ron.

"I doubt your brain has the capacity to learn anything," countered Hermione snappily.

Ron flushed slightly and scowled at Hermione.

James watched them with interest, taking occasional notes on his notepad as he was doing so.

Harry groaned. Listening to Hermione and Ron bicker was definitely not on the top of his 'To Do' list; he had more pressing matters. "How about we conjure up something to sort of distract Ron?"

"That might just work," said Hermione thoughtfully.

Harry grabbed one of Hermione's books and transfigured it into a colorful GameBoy, handing it to Ron.

Ron stared at the electronic, looking slightly lost. Hermione and James both gazed curiously at the GameBoy.

"Oh come _on_, you can't tell me that none of you have ever used a Game Boy before!"

The three of them shook their heads. Harry was surprised; he thought at least Hermione would know what it was, being a muggleborn. But then again, she was a girl and, as was Hermione's nature, probably never watched TV that much, which often had GameBoy commercials.  
Harry tried not to roll his eyes as he showed Ron how to play. Ron and Hermione, both enraptured with the object, began to explore it immediately.

Harry smiled, satisfied with his handiwork. "Okay James…let's go."

oOoOoOo

"Lily, my density has popped me to you."

"…What?" asked Lily, clearly confused.

"O-oh," stammered James, realizing his mistake. "What I meant to say was-"

"Spit it out Potter, I haven't got all day."

James cleared his throat nervously. He looked terrified.

'I suppose I can't blame him,' mused Harry, who was sitting a few seats away to ensure that nothing too dreadful went wrong. Harry planned on only interfering if absolutely necessary. 'My mother looks like she's about to have a cow…'

And she had good reason too. Many of the students in the Great Hall looked up from their lunches to stare shamelessly at the scene.

James' eyes darted back and forth, as if looking for escape. But to Harry's relief he did not run, but instead stood his ground and continued. "…I'm your density-I mean, I'm your _destiny_..."

Lily arched one elegant eyebrow, her face otherwise expressionless. But before she could reply, Lockhart came striding forward confidently toward the scene, much to Harry's horror.

"So," beamed Lockhart, his face on the verge of looking constipated. "I see little Johnny Graham chickened out and talked you into delivering my message. Pathetic. Well anyway, do I make the check out to you, or "Messengers of Love"?"

"You sent this to me?" asked Lily, gesturing at James.

"Yes, and he's not doing a very good job of it either," frowned Lockhart. "I gave them specific instructions to recite a poem about your teeth." Lockhart turned to James, hands on hips. "Where's your manager? I want to have a word with him."

James glowered at Lockhart. "I'm not part of some poncy give-a-note-to-your-girlfriend club! I'm talking to Lily on my own accord!"

Lockhart burst out laughing. "You mean…hahahaha…you're hitting on…hahaha…_Lily_…hahahaha…you're doing…hahahaha…_terrible_…hahaha...Merlin, this _is _rich…ahahahahaha…."

"I'm doing just fine!" hissed James angrily as Lockhart doubled over. "At least I talked to her myself rather then send some prick to do it for me."

Harry bit his lip, wondering if he should interfere now before things got worse. This plan was turning out to be a disaster.

Looking around the Great Hall, Harry could see that many people were now gawking at the scene, surprise and amusement etched on their faces. He groaned. So much for asking Lily out on a date discreetly…

Lockhart rose up from his laughing position, still chuckling slightly. "You're not calling _me _a coward now, are you?"

"Yeah, in fact I am," snarled James.

In an instant the grin on Lockhart's face melted away and formed into a sneer that could rival Malfoy's. Lily glanced back and forth between James and Lockhart, biting her thumb. It seemed to Harry that she was trying her best not to get in the way, as if James and Lockhart were two very big dogs having a fight over a bone. Harry only hoped that the fight would refrain from being violent.

"So," smirked Lockhart. "You have a thing for Lily, do you?"

Lily gazed up at James from where she was sitting, her eyes widening by the second.

"Yeah, I do. And I've liked her since First Year! Beat that you git!"

Whispers erupted throughout the Great Hall, and Harry silently cheered on his dad.

"Lily would never like a thing like you, she likes refinement and style, isn't that right Lily dear?"

"She doesn't care about refinement and all that poncy load of rubbish!" shouted James before Lily could answer. A wave of silence swept over the Great Hall at once.

"Of course she does, and it's not poncy. It's called having _class_, something you most certainly don't have."

"_Why you spoiled little pansy!_" barked James, whipping out his wand.

Harry debated against interrupting for half a second, but it seemed that for some miraculous reason the teachers did not notice the little brawl in the middle of the room. If Harry didn't save James and his chance with Lily, who would?

"Alright _enough!_" cried Harry, sounding uncannily like Hermione. He jumped up from his seat and hastily placed himself between Lockhart and James' wand. "Come on guys, don't fight…let's just have lunch and…er…be friendly…towards one another…or something…"

James stared at Harry, an incredulous look upon his features. "But Harry, he's _insulting _me!"

"And doing it rather well too," smiled Lockhart smugly.

"Hey _shut it you!_" spat James, trying to get a clear shot at Lockhart around Harry, who stood in front of him with his arms outstretched.

"Ooh _good one_," drawled Lockhart in a bored voice, his words dripping with sarcasm.

"Why I oughta-" growled James, but didn't get to finish because Harry yanked James away by the arm, dragging him quickly toward the exit.

"That obnoxious, scab-eating, creep!" exclaimed James, once they reached the hallway.

Harry let go of James' arm, panting considerably since James, being fairly strong, was struggling ferociously whilst Harry was holding him back.

"Why did you drag me away Harry?" questioned James. "I could have knocked his brains out!"

"I didn't want you to get in trouble," said Harry, reminding himself, once again, of Hermione.

James sighed, calming down. "…Thanks Harry, I probably would have been banned from the dance if you hadn't stepped in…I'm sorry about blowing up…"

"I would have done the same thing," grinned Harry, remembering all those fights with Malfoy. "I'm just sorry my plan didn't work."

"It would have worked, if that _prat_ wasn't there," offered James.

"Thanks."

The sound of approaching footsteps alerted Harry and James that someone was coming. But before they could even exchange curious looks, Ron appeared from around the corner, dragging a preoccupied Hermione with him.

"Hey," panted Ron, letting go of Hermione. Harry stared at Hermione in surprise. She was playing the GameBoy furiously, not even looking up to observe her new surroundings. "I saw that little episode back there…tough break…"

"Ron," said Harry slowly. "What happened to Hermione…?"

"Oh that," grimaced Ron. "Well, I let her borrow the GameBoy thing, and then she refused to give it back to me! She's completely addicted!"

It was true. Hermione, her tongue sticking out in concentration, was completely enthralled in the game she was playing. Pressing buttons like mad, she didn't even cringe when Ron poked her.

"Hey," Ron chuckled, poking Hermione repeatedly. "This is fun…"

James approached Hermione cautiously. After circling her a few times, James tapped her on the shoulder. Hermione did nothing but continue pushing her buttons. James tapped her again. Nothing. James giggled and joined Ron in poking Hermione repeatedly.

Harry rolled his eyes. "Leave Hermione alone guys…"

Ron and James reluctantly withdrew their fingers from Hermione's arm.

"Now we need to wake her up from her trance somehow…" said Harry, rubbing his chin.

Harry snapped his fingers in front of Hermione's eyes. She did not react. Harry tried gently pulling the GameBoy out of her grasp. That did something.

"_MINE!_" shrieked Hermione, frantically yanking the GameBoy away from Harry.

"Wow," muttered Ron, eyebrows raised. "Glad I didn't try _that…_"

Harry shot Ron a dirty look. This was going to be harder than he thought…

"Hermione, come here," cooed Harry. "It's okay; I just need to take your GameBoy so we can talk to you…"

Hermione gazed at Harry suspiciously before returning to her game.

"Er," said Ron, his hand clutching the back of his neck. "I don't think talking to her is going to work Harry…"

"We could stun her," offered James.

Harry shook his head. "She'd never forgive me."

"We could send her to Rehab," suggested Ron.

Harry and James paused to stare at Ron.

"It was only a suggestion!"

"So what _do_ we do Harry?" asked James.

Harry furrowed his brows. If only Hermione were out of her stupor, then she would be able to think of something…

"What would Hermione do?" questioned Harry.

"Read books?" asked Ron, scratching his head.

"_No_," said Harry sarcastically. "She'd do the Tango, what do you _think _Ron? I'm trying to figure out what she'd do if one of us were in her situation."

Ron scowled.

"_DUCK!_" cried James.

"_WHERE?_" shouted Ron, looking around wildly.

"Er…pardon?" asked Harry, blinking.

"Quick _jump!_ Now do that laser thingie!" exclaimed James. Harry ran his hands through his hair frustratingly. His father was hovering behind Hermione's shoulder, shouting commands as if his life depended on it. Why did video games have to be so darn addicting?

What to do, _what to do?_ Harry slapped his forehead. _Of course!_ Why didn't he think of it before?

Shoving Ron (who was still looking for the duck) out of the way, Harry bent over and put his lips as close as he could to Hermione's ear.

"_HERMIONE!_ THE LIBRARY IS ON FIRE!" bellowed Harry.

Hermione gasped, dropping the GameBoy. "_I'm coming!_" cried Hermione, darting away to the library so fast that she caused a slight breeze.

"Hermione!" yelled Harry exasperatingly. "_Wait!_ I was just…_argh_…"

"Harry?" whispered James nervously.

"Yes?" asked Harry.

"You won't let the Tooth Fairy get me, will you?"

Harry sighed, massaging his forehead.

"I still can't find the duck," pouted Ron.

oOoOoOo

Harry examined the book in front of him, cursing silently. Why did all their plans seem to fail? It just wasn't fair. And why did he have to end up _here_ again, of all places?

ANOTHERFLASHBACKHOLYSNITCH

After Harry and the others found Hermione in the library (she was hugging as many books as she could, much to Madam Pince's dismay), Harry convinced her that he simply had to tell her that the library was on fire considering the desperate circumstances. Hermione forgave him and Harry contemplated the current situation; their latest attempt to get James and Lily together didn't work, they were out of plans, and they needed inspiration.

Harry had described his observation to Hermione, who agreed.

"Yes Harry," agreed Hermione (told you so). "Not only do we need inspiration, but we also need some information. You see, Lupin and I are extremely close to fixing the Time Turner now, but we need one thing."

Harry slapped his forehead. He had practically forgotten about the Time Turner, seeing as he was so busy trying to get his parents to fall in love. "What is it Hermione?"

Hermione gave a feeble smile. "Um…well, we need 1.21 gigawatts…"

Harry stared at Hermione, bewildered. "_WHAT?_ Where the hell are we going to get 1.21 GIGAWATTS?"

"_Shh!_" hushed Hermione. "Not so loud!"

Harry held his head in his hands.

"Look," whispered Hermione. "I think I know where we can find that out _and_ where we can find our inspiration."

Harry gazed at Hermione wearily. Where _else?_ The library of course…

ENDOFFLASHBACKTOOBAD

Harry shook his head. _'Flashbacks again? I really need to stay away from that meat loaf...'_

Harry sighed, letting his head drop into the book he was reading. His head was _throbbing…_

"I haven't found anything yet Hermione," complained Harry, his voice slightly muffled owing to the current surroundings of his face.

"Just keep looking Harry," said Hermione stubbornly, not even looking up from her research.

Harry groaned and lifted his head. Ron was fast asleep next to him, drooling all over the page he had laid his own head on. Harry elbowed Ron sharply in the ribs

"_Ow!_" yelped Ron, rubbing the spot where Harry had jabbed him. "What was that for?"

Ignoring Ron, Harry turned to Hermione. "I ran out of books, this one's useless."

"Try that one over there," said Hermione distractedly, pointing in the general direction of a large book at the corner of the table.

Harry walked over to the volume, hands behind his back. Bending down, Harry inspected the title. '_Incredibly Dangerous and Stupid Ways to Travel through Time_'. How specific.

"Are you sure about this book Hermione?" asked Harry, wiping dust off the cover.

"Desperate situations call for desperate measures," replied Hermione pensively. "Or in this case bizarre reading material."

Harry grabbed the gigantic mass of pages and lifted. "Ah…" grunted Harry. "This is heavy…"

"What is?" asked Ron thickly.

"He means that the situation is complicated Ron," explained Hermione patiently. "It's sort of like American slang."

"Americans are _weird,_" remarked Ron.

"_No_," panted Harry, slamming the book down on the table. "I meant that this book is really heavy."

"Oh."

"I still think Americans are strange."

"Look who's talking," sniggered Harry.

"Harry?" cooed a soft voice form behind them, interrupting Ron before he could retort.

Harry looked up; his mother was standing anxiously in front of him. "Oh…hello L-Lily…"

Hermione watched Lily closely, her hand stopping in midair from turning the page of her book.

"I was wondering Harry…" began Lily awkwardly. "…if I could talk to you…in private?"

"Oh yes of course!" exclaimed Hermione, grabbing Ron by the scruff of his neck and dragging him out of his chair. "Er, we'll just go now…" And with that they were gone.

"So…" said Harry uneasily, pulling on his neck collar. "What was it that you wanted to talk me about…?"

Lily took a big breath and sat promptly next to Harry. "Harry, this may seem a little forward, but I was wondering if you would ask me to Slughorn's Dance on Saturday…"

'_Uh oh…'_ thought Harry, his heart thumping wildly against his chest. _'My own mother is asking me out on a date!'_ "Uh, you mean nobody's asked you?" gulped Harry.

"No, not yet..." smiled Lily, scooting closer to Harry.

Harry almost choked, realizing that his mom was now flirting with him. "W-what about James?"

"_Potter?_" exclaimed Lily, her nose wrinkling. "Oh…well I know him and all, but…well, I think a man should be _strong…_" she scooted closer to Harry. "…so he can stand up for himself, and protect the woman he loves…don't you?"

Lily moved so close to Harry her side was touching his. Harry shivered slightly. "Y-yeah…I suppose…"

This was turning out to be one hell of a week.

oOoOoOo

A/N: We all knew there was _something_ wrong with those Malfoy's, eh? Did you notice the Back to the Future references? If you did, then a good future and healthy life to you and your future/current/non-existent children/heirs/accidents!

Anyhoo, tell me if you liked it, if you didn't, if you have any constructive advice for me, or if you just have to urge to review someone's story.

Godspeed!


	10. Dazed and Confused

Dedication: This chapter is dedicated to the beloved Australian daredevil himself, Steve Irwin, The Crocodile Hunter. He lived a life of wrestling crocodiles, a life which any real man would envy. Unfortunately, he got stabbed by a stingray and was not decapitated by some sort of obscure reptile, as I'm sure he would have preferred. Oh well. He pulled the stingray's barb out of his heart didn't he? Now that's a _real_ man. So here's to Steve Irwin, the real man inside us all.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter (though I wish I did), Back to the Future or their various quotes (I wish I owned that too...), Pickachu (I CHOOSE YOU!), the basic description of solar cells that I stole from Wikipedia, The Force (use it, don't abuse it), Rugby (what, no sticks?), or anything else that's too expensive for me to own.

A/N: Okay, so, because a few certain friends of mine believe that I belittle myself in the author notes, I'm not allowed to do that anymore. Darn. So I'll just continue on then. Right. Ahem…so because of my complete and utter glorious, fabulous, magnificent, and all around _outstanding_ talent for writing, I've made the _best bloody chapter_ on this whole damn site! I mean, come on, it should be _published!_ It's that good. Really. In fact, it should be published and given an award for _Best Damn Fanfiction Chapter that Ever Existed! _ And I should get to be Queen of all the Universe and you all should have get down on your knees and worship and adore me for being such an _amazing_ writing genius. And you should give me chocolate. Man, I suck at un-belittling myself.

Just pulling your legs guys (That brings some suggestive images to my mind, Eugh)! I'm just being a brat.

oOoOoOo

"_Harry…"_

"Who's there?" shouted Harry, shivering slightly. A sea of mist swirled around him so that he couldn't see anything beyond three feet of himself.

"_Harry…"_ called a ghostly voice. It sounded slightly familiar to Harry, as if he knew it from somewhere…

Harry whipped around, squinting his eyes so that he might be able to see who was calling him. "I said who's there? Answer me!"

"_Harry…"_

Harry frowned. "That's a bit repetitive don't you think? Can't you think of anything, I dunno, more _specific?_"

"_Harry…"_

"Figures," muttered Harry darkly.

"_Harry…"_ It sounded closer. If Harry concentrated on one area, he found that he could make out several shadows surrounding him. They were dancing about, swirling around and around Harry as he walked. They looked rather beautiful in an exotic and wild kind of way. But they seemed to be a great distance away from Harry so he decided not to worry about them yet. He was mostly concerned about the voice, the one which sounded closer by the moment.

Harry gasped. In the fog he could see that one shadow was fast approaching him. His first instinct was to run, and that's what he did. He blundered through the mist, stumbling and tripping, just trying to get as far away from the ghostly voice as he could. At last his carelessness caught up with him, and he tripped, tumbling on the hard, cold ground…

The shadow drew nearer and nearer to Harry, it was so close Harry could make out a blurry silhouette. It was a woman, with long flowing hair that seemed to float in midair like a ghost.

"_Harry…"_

"Mum?" asked Harry. It sure looked like his mother from what he could see. "Where-why-what do you want?"

"I want _out _of this bloody dress!" exclaimed the voice furiously, instantly losing it's ghostly manner.

"…What?"

The figure loomed over Harry and he gasped. It wasn't his mother, but it was Ron, looking particularly murderous in his Tooth Fairy outfit.

"_R-Ron?"_ stammered Harry. "Why are you here?"

"Why didn't you answer me?" demanded Ron.

"I asked you first."

"Yes but I have a wand and you don't," snapped Ron, pulling out a rubber chicken.

"Ron that's not-"

"Shut it!" yelled Ron, shaking the rubber chicken at Harry. "I called and you ignored me, and all I want is _out _of this dress! Some friend you are."

"But Ron you don't understand-"

"Oh I understand alright," whispered Ron, grinning evilly.

"Ron what-?"

"_AVADA KEDAVRA!"_

"AHHH!" cried Harry, waking up with a start. Harry wiped his sweaty forehead, looking around in a panicked sort of way. He sighed, realizing it was all just a ridiculous dream. He was still in the Room of Requirement (the trio had decided to sleep there while they were still back in time) and the rooms were still hideously red and orange (unfortunately every time they used it, it was still decorated the same as before, no matter how many times they smacked Ron upside the head). Everything was fine and he wasn't going to be murdered by Ron...

"_Harry?"_ exclaimed Ron.

Harry whipped around (cricking his neck in the process. He's doing quite a lot of whipping in this chapter, isn't he?). Squinting in the dark, he could see Ron sitting in a chair beside his bed and holding a bucket of popcorn in his limp hands. "Ron…were you…_were you watching me dream?_"

Ron grinned sheepishly and hid the popcorn behind his back. "W-what makes you say that Harry?"

"You're eating popcorn and sitting next to my bed. Why didn't you wake me up?"

"It was kinda funny."

Harry scowled. "You could have woken me up you know, I was having a nightmare."

"I know."

Harry shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts. The after effects of the nightmare were still making him groggy. Why did he always have to have the weird nightmares?

'_In fact'_ thought Harry, ready to wallow in a pool of self-pity for the rest of the night. _'I always have to do all the hard stuff. I have to get _my _parents together so I can exist, even though it was all Ron's fault. He _deserves_ to wear the stupid dress, the git. I always have to do difficult things, like pretend to be my father's cousin who was mentally damaged by a truck of traveling mimes _(cue the author, grinning wickedly behind her laptop). My _own_ mother _has a crush on_ me_. And now I have to go to the dance with her! The only way I could get her and my dad together was if she thought I was a big _prat_. Fat chance of-_hold on_…'_

"Ron!" shouted Harry abruptly, causing Ron to jump and spill his popcorn.

"…Yes…?"

"Where's Hermione? I think I have a plan."

oOoOoOo

"I still don't understand," frowned James, knitting his brows together. "How am I supposed to go to the dance with her, if she's already going to the dance with you?"

"Cause, James," explained Harry. "She _wants_ to go to the dance with you; she just doesn't…know it yet. That's why we got to show her that you, James Potter, are a fighter. You're somebody who's gonna stand up for yourself, someone who's gonna protect her."

"Are you sure she needs to be protected?" asked James, brows still furrowed. "Because this one time I tried to give her a goodnight kiss, and then she used this spell that practically tore off my-"

"James stay focused," interjected Harry quickly. He didn't want to hear what his mother did to his father's various body parts. "You're not gonna try to kiss her, Dad-dad-dad-_daddy-o_…you're coming to her rescue, right? Okay, let's go over the plan again. 8:55, where are you gonna be?"

James sighed, flopping onto his bed. "I'm gonna be at the dance."

"Right, and where am I gonna be?" prompted Harry, pacing agitatedly around James' dorm.

"You're gonna be in the Hogwarts Garden, with her."

"Correct," continued Harry. "Okay, so right around 9:00 she's gonna get very angry with me."

"Why is she gonna get angry with you?" questioned James curiously.

Harry paused shortly before he answered. "…Well, because nice girls get angry when guys take advantage of them..."

James gasped, eyes widening. "You mean you're going to _touch_ her on her-"

"No, no, James," said Harry hastily. "Look, it's just an act, right? Okay, so 9:00 you're strolling through the garden, you see us…_struggling_…in the bushes, you walk up and you say...?"

James stared at Harry, waiting for him to continue.

"Your _line_, James…" muttered Harry, rubbing his forehead.

"OH!" exclaimed James, leaping up from his sitting position. "Uh, _hey you_, get your damn hands off her…do you really think I oughta swear?"

"James…you cuss all the time…"

"Oh, right, sorry. Just got caught up in the moment…"

"…Okay, so now, you come up, you punch me in the stomach, I'm out for the count, right? And you and Lily live happily ever after!"

"Oh, you make it sound so easy," moaned James. "I just…I wish I wasn't so scared…"

Harry stared at James, incredulous. James Potter? _His own father?_ Scared of a _girl?_ Harry couldn't believe it. "There's nothing to be scared of! All it takes is a little self confidence. You know, if you put your mind to it, you could accomplish anything."

James grinned. "Thanks Harry."

"_HARRY!"_

Harry whipped around (again), to discover a blur of red and black dashing directly toward him. Without stopping.

"AHHH!" yelled Harry, diving out of the way. The blur halted and dropped to the ground, creating a panting mass of black Hogwarts robes.

Harry picked himself up while James circled the mass cautiously.

"Harry, is this your friend Ron?"

Harry instantly helped the person up. Sure enough, it was Ron. He was trembling, looking positively terrified.

"Ron, what's wrong?" asked Harry, alarmed.

"She's after me Harry!" squealed Ron, grabbing a startled Harry by the middle and using him as a shield for whatever he was scared of.

"Who is?" demanded Harry, a bit miffed at Ron for using him as a shield.

"H-Hermione," stuttered Ron, quivering behind Harry.

Harry was about to ask Ron what was going on when, as if on cue, Hermione stormed in, her expression murderous.

Ron seemed to be trying his best to conceal himself from Hermione, but being at least a foot taller than Harry did have its disadvantages at times.

"Ron, I know you're behind Harry," growled Hermione, rolling her eyes in the skyward direction.

"What did he do this time Hermione?" asked Harry timidly. He didn't want to provoke Hermione's wrath anymore than he had to, but he felt he was obligated to know what chaos Ron had cast upon them. "Aren't you and Ron supposed to be helping Lupin with the Time Turner?" Harry almost snorted at his own words. Hermione was supposed to be helping Lupin. The only reason Ron tagged along was to ensure that he didn't get into any trouble, a plan that had obviously failed.

"Dear _Ronald_," snarled Hermione, causing Ron to wince. "-decided that a school-wide game of Rugby was in order. Complete with sticks."

"Rugby?" repeated Harry blankly. "But…Rugby isn't played with _sticks_…"

"I know," hissed Hermione, shooting glares at Ron's cowering form.

"Erm…what is _Rugby?_" asked James cautiously.

Harry shoved Ron off him, turning to James. "It's a very unfortunately violent muggle sport."

"Yes," agreed Hermione crossly. "And it's not played with _STICKS_ either."

Ron flinched, however James looked delighted. "Hey Harry, do you mind if I join?"

"Uh, no, go ahead," replied Harry, giving his father a slightly bewildered glance.

"Thanks," yelled James over his shoulder, already sprinting out the door in haste to join the school-wide game of "Rugby".

"So…how did this affect the school exactly?" questioned Harry grimly, not really sure if he wanted the answer.

"Well," sighed Hermione. "Besides the fact the almost the whole school is whacking each other with sticks, claiming to be playing _Rugby_-" Hermione gave Ron a scowl "- the so-called 'game' has interrupted many events that were going on at the moment, many events that happened in our _history_. Events that may lead to certain occasions that eventually happen in the future. The future that happens to be _our_ present!"

Hermione stopped her ranting for a moment or two, panting slightly. Harry and Ron stared at her, perplexed and not comprehending a word she said.

Hermione gazed at the two of them. "Didn't you understand me? I made myself perfectly clear!"

Harry and Ron exchanged bewildered looks.

"Why do men always have to act like such retards?" asked Hermione exasperatingly, throwing her hands up in the air.

"Actually, we don't have to," stated Ron wryly. "We just do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays."

Harry nodded and it was Hermione's turn to look confused.

"…_Anyway,_" said Hermione slowly, shaking her head as if to clear it. "Rugby isn't what we need to worry about right now. We need to figure out how to generate 1.21 gigawatts into the Time Turner at the moment."

"But Hermione," cried Harry, pulling at his hair dramatically. "We don't know anything about this kind of stuff. It's you and Lupin who have enough brains to figure this out, not us!"

"But I thought you guys just told me that you were being stupid on purpose!" exclaimed Hermione.

Harry and Ron both cast her the same mysterious grin.

"_Men,_" muttered Hermione under her breath. "So anyway, what can we use to generate 1.21 gigawatts into a Time Turner?"

"What about a plug?" asked Harry. He knew that plugs were electrical, and electrical things were used to charge things. Come on, I mean, Harry wasn't _that_ dumb.

Hermione shook her head. "…No Harry, I don't think that will work…"

"We could use The Force," suggested Ron.

Hermione and Harry turned to stare at Ron.

"It was only a suggestion…" mumbled Ron.

"We could use a Flux Capacitor," offered Harry.

Hermione gave Harry a withering look.

"Hermione what time is it?" asked Ron.

"Why do you ask?"

"I dunno, because of the plot?"

Hermione blinked at Ron for a second or two before glancing at her (solar-powered) watch. She frowned slightly, and Harry could tell that the wheels were turning inside her head. Looking up suddenly she said "Harry, give me your watch."

"What?"

"Give me your watch," repeated Hermione impatiently, holding out her hand.

Harry grumbled to himself and peeled his (solar-powered) watch off his wrist, placing in Hermione's outstretched hand.

Hermione took the watch and examined it carefully. "Just as I thought."

"_Hermione_," whined Ron. "You still didn't tell me the time…"

"Solar-powered watches contain power cells," declared Hermione triumphantly, ignoring Ron.

"What, no Flux Capacitor?" questioned Harry.

Hermione rubbed her temples. "No Harry, there is _no _Flux Capacitor. A solar cell is a semiconductor device that converts photons from the sun, or solar light, into electricity. In general a solar cell that includes both solar and non-solar sources of light is termed a photovoltaic cell. Fundamentally, the device needs to fulfill only two functions: photo generation of charge carriers in a light-absorbing material, and separation of the charge carriers to a conductive contact that will transmit the electricity. This conversion is called the photovoltaic effect, and the field of research related to solar cells is known as photovoltaics."

Harry stared at Hermione, confused beyond belief. Beside him stood Ron, swaying slightly at the amount of education that was being drilled into his brain.

"_Well?_" demanded Hermione, hands on hips. "Doesn't this mean anything to you?"

Harry and Ron shook their heads in unison. Harry was beginning to wonder if going back in time had affected Hermione badly…

Hermione sighed before continuing. "A solar cell is made from a monocrystalline silicon wafer. Solar cells have many applications. They are particularly well suited to, and historically used in, situations where electrical power from the grid is unavailable, such as in remote area power systems, Earth orbiting satellites, handheld calculators, remote radiotelephones and water pumping applications. Assemblies of solar cells on building roofs can be connected through an inverter to the electricity grid, often in a net metering arrangement-"

"Harry," complained Ron. "She's making my brain hurt, make her _stop!_"

Harry nodded numbly. "Hermione…are you sure you're feeling well? Because we can make a stop at The Hospital Wing if you're not."

"Or maybe St. Mungo's…" muttered Ron darkly.

Hermione shook the watches in their faces. "These watches are solar-powered; therefore, they contain _solar cells!_ Solar cells can be used to generate _electricity!_"

"Is that a threat?" gasped Ron, crossing his arms.

Hermione pulled her hair frustratingly. "_No!_ Solar cells can be used to generate electricity! _As in 1.21 gigawatts!_"

"But what does that have to do with anything…?" asked Harry worriedly. He was seriously starting to question Hermione's sanity at the moment.

"It has to do with _everything!_" cried Hermione, waving the watches around frantically in the air. "It means we can get back to our _own time!_ We can generate 1.21 gigawatts using the solar cells in our solar-powered watches! _It's so simple!_"

Harry frowned. It didn't seem very simple to him. But then again, this was Hermione talking…

Ron scoffed. "We can't use _science_ to solve our problems! Who does _that?_ We should use magic just like everyone else!"

"Just because we're wizards doesn't mean we can't be open-minded!" argued Hermione. "Besides, I don't see you coming up with any other helpful suggestions."

"I already suggested that we use The Force," huffed Ron. "But _you _people seem to think that won't help us. Fortunately I have another genius idea, one that's bound to work."

Harry and Hermione simultaneously raised their eyebrows as Ron made his way to the end of room.

"Pickachu! I choose _you!_" shouted Ron, pulling out a small red ball.

"_No_ Ron!" interjected Hermione, practically diving across the room in order to snatch the ball out of Ron's hands before he could throw it. "We cannot use a fictional monster to solve our problems! This time we need to use science!"

Harry noticed, to his growing dread, that Hermione's eyes were gleaming manically.

"Science," continued Hermione. "Pure, unadulterated, _SCIENCE_."

"You make it sound scary," Ron pointed out nervously.

Hermione cackled hysterically.

"Harry!" called a voice behind them.

Harry turned around (he was getting tired of whipping, his neck was really starting to hurt) to find a panting Lupin.

"Remus?" blinked Harry. He was still a bit dazed from Hermione's logic, you see.

"I…came…as fast...as I could…" groaned Lupin, holding himself up by leaning on a fearful Ron.

"What's wrong?" asked Harry, noting Lupin's exhaustion.

Lupin smiled weakly. "Sorry, I'm not really the physical type. I had to dodge a lot of sticks…something about Rugby…"

Hermione's cackles turned into a fit of coughing and Harry thumped her on the back a couple times before replying. "Er…_anyway_…what did you need to see me about?"

Lupin left Ron's shoulder and reached into his pocket. "I saw the flyer for the Dance on Saturday. There's been a slight change…"

"What is it?" asked Hermione anxiously, having gotten over her coughing spasm.

"I'm afraid," began Lupin tensely, pulling out a crumpled piece of bright orange paper. "That the dance is now…"

Harry subconsciously held his breath. _'This can't be good…'_

"…_Themed._"

"Themed?" repeated Ron. "What's the theme?"

Lupin gave a small sigh. "It's muggle themed."

Harry blinked. Hermione bit her lip. Ron idly played with his Pickachu ball (no pun intended).

"Do you know what this means?" asked Lupin.

"No, not really," provided Harry.

"This _means_," moaned Hermione. "That we will have to go _shopping_."

"Shopping?" echoed Ron.

"Shopping for what?" questioned Harry.

"For clothes," stated Lupin grimly. "You'll need an outfit."

"Well that's not so bad," said Ron indifferently.

Harry grimaced. "Ron…you know you're going as _Rhonda_, right?"

Ron gasped. "You mean…are you telling me I have to…for…oh _Merlin!_"

oOoOoOo

A/N: I bet you didn't realize that all those 'solar-powered watch' remarks would be so important to the plot, eh? _Well, you were wrong!_ That's _right!_ (Does the I'm-so-smart-for-incorporating-pointless-specifics-into-the-plot-so-ingeniously dance)…What? It's impossible for two solar-powered watches to generate that much electricity you say? _Yes_, I do know that. It's just that I couldn't think of anything else-STOP. _Must…not…belittle…self…_

Ahhh, there we go.

BOW DOWN TO ME!


	11. The Shopping Excursion of Doom

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter (though I wish I did), Back to the Future or their various quotes (I wish I owned that too...), Wal-Mart, American Idol (_Soul Patrol!_), or anything else that's too expensive for me to own.

A/N: Time for a completely random chapter that has almost absolutely nothing to do with the plot! Yay!

Anyway, I didn't really bother to include how exactly they arrived at the store, so I will do that now.

oOoOoOo

**How They Arrived At the Store: **As I'm sure you recall, at the end of the last chapter we left our heroes struggling with a predictably over-dramatized shopping crisis. You see, since Slughorn's Dance was now muggle themed, they now had to buy the proper muggle costumes in order to fit in when the night of the dance arrived. This left Harry and his friends with a decision; where to go? Fortunately, this choice was made for them because after Ron had left for a midmorning snack the following day, he came back to the Room of Requirement and informed Harry and Hermione that Lupin had told him to tell them to construct a portkey and go to a muggle shop. There, they would find all the muggle outfits they needed. Harry and Hermione were skeptical at first, for it was not like Lupin to send them off to such risky circumstances as a muggle department store. But, at Ron's insistence, they agreed to go on with Lupin's plan. So, Hermione took Lupin's advice and constructed a portkey out of a nearby half-read Quidditch magazine. All three immediately placed their finger on the object once Hermione was finished. Harry wanted to get the shopping trip over with as soon as possible, and he suspected Hermione felt the same way. Ron however, seemed incredibly eager to plunge himself in the midst of another alleged "adventure" as he had described it. As soon as Harry's finger touched the portkey a tornado of color and lights encircled him completely as he was pulled toward an unknown destination, and then, just as suddenly, the journey stopped, and Harry hit the ground with a thud. So now, we continue the story as our favorite protagonists are curiously exploring their new surroundings…

oOoOoOo

"Clean up on aisle 12," announced a blaring voice over the loudspeaker.

"_AH!"_ screamed Ron, covering his head with his arms. _"NO, no!_ It's those voices again!"

"_No_ Ron!" hissed Hermione, trying to calm him down. "It's okay, they're only loudspeakers!"

Many people turned around to stare briefly at Ron, who was cowering in the middle of the walkway. Harry resisted the urge to smack Ron upside the head, and instead resorted to giving huge grins to any Muggles looking their way.

"Ron," growled Harry, yanking Ron to his feet by the scruff of his neck. "These are _muggles_; therefore, you cannot act different from them or give them a reason to be suspicious!"

"And that would include not shrieking like a girl every time the loudspeaker goes off," added Hermione angrily.

Ron scowled. "Sorry! I'm just…a bit nervous. I've never been in a Muggle Department Store before."

Harry glanced around idly as Ron brushed himself off. '_I suppose I can't really blame him,'_ mused Harry. Everything was shiny and dazzlingly white in the Department Store, making it seem slightly intimidating, especially for a wizard who had never stepped foot in one before.

'_In fact,'_ thought Harry, examining the canned food aisle closely. _'I haven't been in a Muggle shop since…since that one time Aunt Petunia dragged me to that one place…Wall Shop was it? Wall Mart? Something like that…all I remember was that they definitely didn't sell walls…'_

"Come on guys," sighed Hermione, interrupting Harry's train of thought. "The clothes department is this way." She gestured toward the walkway to their left, illustrating her point.

Ron gaped at her. "She knows _everything_ Harry! How is it she knows _everything?_"

Hermione cocked an eyebrow and pointed above them. "There's a sign Ronald."

Harry looked up and, just as Hermione had said, there was indeed a sign that read 'Clothes Department' complimented by an arrow, pointing them the right way.

Hermione proceeded in the direction the arrow pointed and Harry followed, smirking slightly at Ron, whose ears were now a delicate shade of pink.

Hermione stopped abruptly, almost causing Harry and Ron to knock her over, considering they were letting her lead the way.

"Let's see," muttered Hermione, glancing from left to right. Harry followed her gaze. The left side of the clothes department appeared to hold the men's attire. The right side was women's.

"Me and Harry could look at the men's stuff, and you could look at the women's," suggested Ron.

"It's Harry and I," corrected Hermione, turning to Ron. "And you can't go look with Harry."

"But why _nooot?_" whined Ron.

"You're going as _Rhonda,_ remember?" reminded Harry, barely concealing another smirk.

Ron scowled. "Oh yeah…"

"Okay, so Harry, you'll look in the men's department for suits," instructed Hermione bossily. "And Ron and I will look for dresses."

Ron's jaw dropped. "What do you mean _dresses?_"

Hermione grabbed Ron's arm, dragging him towards the women's department. "I mean dresses, you know, for _Rhonda_."

"NOOOOOO!" shrieked Ron as Hermione dragged him away. "Harry! _Save me!_ I don't want to wear a dress…!"

A nearby little girl holding her father's hand looked up, bewildered, at this comment, her wide eyes following the disappearing Ron. Her father also threw a glance over his shoulder, muttering something that sounded along the lines of _"Bloody cross-dressers…"_

Harry sighed and turned away from the after-effects of the sorry spectacle Ron had made out of himself. Sometimes it was hard being Harry Potter.

'_Now,'_ thought Harry. _'Where to begin?'_

Harry gazed at the shiny racks supporting the hooks of the crisp suits. The suits were every color Harry could imagine, and more. Different styles, varying sizes, essentially everything you would find in the men's suit department. But it was _so _hard to make a choice…

The men's suits faced Harry, taunting him. _'Pick one of us,' _they said. _'Don't worry, even though you can't shop for yourself doesn't necessarily mean you'll make a fool of yourself at the dance…'_

Harry subconsciously emitted a low growl as he browsed through the suit racks. And as the shopping trip wore on, it became excruciatingly clear that Harry had absolutely no experience whatsoever in choosing muggle suits. Harry had faced Lord Voldemort, the Ministry of Magic, and the wrath of a man-eating Chihuahua, and he couldn't pick a bloody outfit. Oh the Irony…

'_Pick one of us,'_ chorused the suits mockingly. _'One of us, one of us one of us…'_

"Oh will you all just shut the bloody hell _UP?_" roared Harry, hurling a particularly ugly orange suit onto the floor.

The little girl cast Harry a frightened look and fearfully clutched to her father's shirt.

Harry sighed. This was going to be a long day.

oOoOoOo

"Harry!"

Harry turned around, spying a head of bushy brown hair striding towards him.

"Hey Hermione," Harry gave a weary smile. "Where's Ron?" Harry peeked over her shoulder, expecting Ron to be sulking somewhere behind her.

"Oh, he's looking at the cleaning supplies," said Hermione dismissively.

"…Why?"

Hermione shrugged. "He said he wanted to see something in the cleaning department, I didn't ask."

"Ah. So why are you here? Are we ready to go?"

"Not quite," smiled Hermione dryly. "I'm here to get you, and we'll find Ron and go to the fitting rooms."  
"Fitting rooms. Of course, how silly of me to forget."

Hermione rolled her eyes playfully. "So, did you find anything to wear?"

Harry nodded proudly; holding up a suit that looked suspiciously as though it had come out of the Blue's Brothers. "Took me _forever_ to find it."

Hermione bit her lip, eyeing the suit critically. Then, finally, she gave a small smile and nodded. "It'll work. It's nice and simple, and it'll go with anything Lily wears."

"I also picked out something else," added Harry, pulling out a pair of black sunglasses.

Hermione cringed.

Harry grinned and took off his glasses, replacing them with the sunglasses.

Hermione crossed her arms and smirked. "Of course."

Harry blinked for a few seconds, adjusting to his new eye sight. Squinting his eyes, Harry peered through his glasses. It was dark and everything was blurry. He still needed his glasses to see properly…but that was the price for beauty.

"Don't you think they look cool?" pouted Harry, pretending to be hurt.

Hermione snorted. "Oh _yes_, Harry. Very cool."

"Thought so."

"By the way Harry, you're talking to a suit rack. I'm right behind you."

Harry grimaced and turned to Hermione, thankful that he couldn't see her smirk.

"So, did you get a tie?"

"Tie?" repeated Harry blankly. He hadn't thought of that…

"Yes a _tie_," replied Hermione. "You know, those things you wear on you _neck?_"

"I _know _what a tie is!" cried Harry indignantly. "I was just repeating it for dramatic effect!"

Hermione shook her head, amused, and grabbed Harry's shoulders, pointing him in the general direction of the Tie Racks. "Whatever Harry. Come on, let's go."

Harry placed his real glasses safely in his pocket and held out his hands, feeling the way. After about five minutes of exasperated sighs and pokes, Hermione seized Harry's forearm and guided the way.

The journey to the Tie Section was long and perilous, consisting of many painful collisions and a particularly nasty run-in with an old lady. The lady had mistakenly believed that Harry was trying to steal her purse when his hand had only brushed across it for a fraction of a second as he was trying not to bump into anything sharp. The lady stopped Harry at once and began screaming and beating him with her very pointy umbrella, much to Harry's confusion. Why she was carrying an umbrella when it was perfectly nice weather outside was a mystery to Harry, for he never got the chance to ask her since Hermione had dragged him away from the furious woman and her pointy Umbrella of Doom. He could only assume it was used as a weapon against nasty criminals, or in Harry's case, innocent, blind people.

Once they reached the ties, Harry quickly took off the hazardous sunglasses and tossed them into a mountain of socks (50 PERCENT OFF!). He replaced them with his real glasses, inwardly swearing to himself that he would never in his life wear sunglasses again, unless they were prescription.

Turning to the ties, Harry examined them carefully, searching for one that caught his fancy. Sure enough, out of the corner of his eye Harry spotted something bright yellow. Harry grabbed the tie and squealed delightedly when he saw it completely. He held it up to Hermione excitedly. It was neon yellow, covered in little black lightning bolts.

"No," said Hermione hastily, wrinkling her nose. "It's _hideous!_"

"It's _perfect!_" insisted Harry.

"No, it's not. It will look terrible on you."

"I think it's brilliant."

Hermione groaned. "Harry _please_. Anything but _that_."

"Fine," huffed Harry, throwing it back on the tie racks.

"Ooh!" gasped Hermione excitedly, gazing at the edge of the rack.

"What?" asked Harry, alarmed. He swiftly pulled out his wand and whipped around, all in one move. He was that good.

"Look!" cried Hermione, snatching up a tie. "It's absolutely perfect!"

Harry glanced warily at the tie she was holding. It was plain, but it was a striking emerald green color that had a slightly sleek and lustrous look to it. Hermione held it up to Harry's face.

"It matches your eyes!" smiled Hermione delightedly.

Harry nodded, taking the tie into his hands and feeling the smooth, silky material. He liked it.

"Right," said Hermione. "Now that we've got your outfit, let's find Ron and we'll see if our clothes fit."

Harry nodded and let Hermione lead the way. Strangely enough, she seemed to know where the cleaning department was…

Harry looked up and mentally slapped himself. _'Of course,'_ thought Harry grimly. There was a sign above Harry and Hermione, pointing the way. _'I should really learn to be more observant…'_

oOoOoOo

Much to Harry's relief, they managed to make it to the cleaning supplies unharmed. No crazy old ladies with dangerous and unseasonable umbrellas to whack them senseless. No DVD racks in the middle of the aisle for them to collide into. They were in one piece, and for that, Harry was thankful. He was starting to think that muggle department stores were much more trouble than they were worth.

Nonchalantly inspecting the dishwasher detergent, Harry vaguely wondered why Ron needed to explore the cleaning supplies, seeing as Ron had never cleaned unless forced. In fact, he barely even had a sense of hygiene.

"_Argh!_"

Harry and Hermione whipped around (Hermione's hair smacking Harry's face in the process). The cry of frustration sounded as if it had come from the aisle next to them. Harry quickly strode to the end of his resident aisle, Hermione at his heels. And, peering around a nearby box of Suntan Lotion, Harry (much to his bewilderment) found Ron looking as if he was trying to strangle a broom.

"Stupid brooms," muttered Ron darkly, throwing the poor broom aside. "They don't _work!_" Ron grabbed another broom from the rack, his intents unbeknownst to Harry.

Hermione emerged from their hiding place, arms crossed.

"Ron…what are you doing?"

"_Hermione!"_ exclaimed Ron, swiftly concealing his next victim behind his back (which didn't work very well, considering Ron had placed the broom behind his back horizontally).

Harry revealed himself also.

"Harry! What a lovely surprise…"

"Ron," began Harry, eyebrow cocked. "What are you doing to the brooms?"

"_Oh_…well I was just…you see…"

"Ronald," smirked Hermione. "Were you trying to _ride_ those brooms?"

"No…"

"Trying to throttle them, eh?" asked Harry, amused. "Ridding the world of evil brooms with immoral purposes?"

"I most certainly am not!"

"You looked like you were trying to ride them," insisted Hermione. "You do know that these brooms are used for sweeping? You honestly don't think that _muggles _would sell _racing brooms_, do you?"

Ron scoffed. "Of _course _I knew that!"

Hermione shook her head. "If you say so Ron…"

Ron set the broom carefully back in its rack, nose in the air. "So, why are you guys here anyway?"

"We're here to get you so we can go to the fitting rooms," said Harry, shifting his suit from one arm to the other.

Ron scowled. "Do I really have to put on that dress?"

"Yes you do," replied Hermione sternly. "I've got it right here, now let's go."

Harry gave a small sigh and signaled Ron to follow them. Was this day _ever _going to end?

oOoOoOo

'_Hermione was right,'_ mused Harry, inspecting himself in the mirror. _'That tie really does look good on me…in fact, the whole suit does…'_

Harry took a step back on order to get a look at his whole body. The suit, simple as it was, fitted Harry's build perfectly, accenting his features. The tie matched his eyes precisely and caused them to contrast against the black and white of his outfit dramatically, making him look quite elegant. All in all, Harry thought he look pretty darn good.

"Alright in there Harry?" called Hermione from outside the stall door.

"Yeah," replied Harry, tearing his eyes away from his reflection.

"Can I see?"

"Sure."

Harry opened the door and stepped out, running a hand through his messy black hair. "What do you think?"

"You look lovely Harry," smiled Hermione, looking him up and down. "Good choice of suit, I didn't know you could find something that actually looks good on you!"

"Neither did I," admitted Harry, scowling slightly at her latter comment.

"I looked lovely too!" frowned Ron, pulling on Hermione's sleeve. "Didn't I Hermione?"

Hermione blanched slightly. "You must be joking."

Ron glowered, ears red.

"So," said Harry casually, flicking a speck of dust off his suit. "Do you think we should go now?"

"Yes," sighed Hermione. "So get back into your clothes and we'll buy this stuff and leave."

Harry nodded and strode back to his fitting room, changing very carefully so as not to wrinkle his new soon-to-be outfit.

"I'm done!" announced Harry, opening the stall door.

"Good," breathed Hermione, rushing toward Harry. "Ron won't stop bugging me."

"_Hey!"_ scowled Ron, approaching Harry and Hermione. "Hermione, there's a little thing called _manners!_ You can't just walk away from me when I'm talking to you!"

"You weren't talking," snapped Hermione. "You were _whining._"

"Was not!"

"Why is he whining?" questioned Harry.

"Oh, so you just assume _she's_ right," snorted Ron, crossing his arms. "Well, I see where our friendship stands."

"I wouldn't let him see me in my dress," huffed Hermione.

"…Why did he want to-?"

"I dunno! But what possible fashion advice could he give me?"

"_Excuse_ me!" exclaimed Ron indignantly. "I'm right here! And I know plenty about fashion! I just wanted to see if Hermione was going to look suitable for the dance is all…"

Harry sighed exasperatingly. Shopping was just too _difficult_. In fact this whole situation was difficult. And now, Ron and Hermione's bickering was something Harry did _not _want to hear at the moment. So, just as any other person would do in his position, he decided to poke some fun at them.

"You just wanted to _gawk_ at Hermione, admit it Ron."

This definitely had the desired effect. Hermione and Ron simultaneously flushed, glaring murderously at Harry.

"That's not true!" croaked Ron, ears reddening.

"_Harry!"_ exclaimed Hermione, scandalized. "I can't _believe_ you would imply such a thing!"

Satisfied, Harry winked at them. "Say whatever you want. Come on; let's buy our stuff and go."

Ron and Hermione muttered mutinously behind Harry's back as he led them to the cash registers.

Harry stopped before the rows of registers, determining which one had the shortest line. After a couple of seconds, Harry decided on a register and stepped in line behind a lady wearing a suspiciously familiar vulture hat, and Ron and Hermione followed suit.

Browsing disinterestedly through the tabloids, Harry yawned. Shopping was tiring and waiting in line was boring. Suddenly, Harry heard a small squeal of delight behind him. Turning around, Harry saw Ron clutching a magazine, eyes brimming with tears.

"_YES!_" cried Ron excitedly. "Taylor won! I _knew_ he could do it! Soul Patrol! Soul Patrol! SOUL PATROL!"

Harry shook his head and faced the line again, listening to Hermione hurriedly shush an ecstatic Ron.

Once it was the Trio's turn, Harry prodded Hermione to the front and left her to pay for their stuff. He returned to examining the magazines, feeling as if he had accomplished more shopping than was humanly possible.

They each grabbed their respective bags after the paying was over, and headed towards the way out.

It took a while to escape from the masses crowding the exit, especially since Ron was particularly fascinated by the automatic doors ("_Wow_, Harry look! _Magic!_"), but they finally pushed through.

Harry panted, trying to catch his breath. The crowd was suffocating, and it was a miracle they actually made it out without being run over by a cart.

"Are…you two alright?" asked Hermione, hands on knees.

"Yeah," breathed Ron and Harry in unison.

"That was quite an adventure."

"Yeah," replied Harry. "Shopping is…interesting."

"It was _awesome!_" squealed Ron, eyes alight. "I hope we get to go muggle shopping again sometime!"

"I think I can wait for a while," muttered Harry, feeling his tender bruises.

"Me too," mumbled Hermione grumpily.

Suddenly, without warning, Harry felt a crack of pain on his head. He yelped in alarm, covering his head and hastily jumping away from the source of the blow. Harry heard Hermione and Ron yell in surprise and he spun around, discovering quite a spectacle unraveling before his eyes.

The same lady that had earlier walloped Harry repeatedly with her unseasonable umbrella was now doing the same to Ron and Hermione.

"POLICE!" screamed the old lady, whacking Ron, who was trying to use Hermione as a shield, with her weapon. "POLICE! POLICE!"

Harry rushed forward, attempting to calm the woman. This action was pointless, however, because the lady simply turned around and started beating Harry instead.

"_H-help!_" cried Harry, covering his head with his arms.

"POLICE!" shrieked the old lady, smacking Harry.

A portly police officer stepped forward, chewing casually on a doughnut. "What seems to be the problem?"

"What does it look like?" yelled Hermione, gesturing frantically to Harry. "_Help him!_ He's being attacked!"

"There he is officer!" screamed the woman, ceasing her blows (much to Harry's immense relief) and pointing accusingly at Harry. "That _hooligan_ tried to steal my purse!"

"He did?"

"_No…_" moaned Harry, nursing his wounds. "You've got it all wrong, it was an accident-"

The police officer held up a hand, interrupting Harry in mid-sentence. "Now, now, Son, no excuses. I'm afraid you'll have to come with me please."

"But he's telling the truth!" exclaimed Hermione.

"Yeah, I didn't do _anything!_"

"LIES!" screeched the woman, frantically waving her umbrella in the air. "ALL LIES!"

"But its _true!_" insisted Ron, sidestepping away from the lady's hazardous umbrella. "That old bat just started beating him with her umbrella!"

The officer turned to Harry, hands on hips. "Son, you do know there are laws against stealing?"

"Yes, but-"

"No buts now. Come along."

Harry was about to deny the allegations that were being thrust upon his completely innocent self again, but Ron stepped forward, interrupting Harry's intents.

"Officer," began Ron somberly. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to deny you the right to take custody of Harry."

The police officer guffawed loudly at this statement. "Oh you will, will you?"

"Yes," stated Ron simply. Harry and Hermione exchanged worried glances. What kind of trouble was Ron going to get them into this time?

"You see," continued Ron, much to the bafflement of the police officer and the old lady. "In a world where war wages continually, where children are left out in the cold, where governments are corrupted, and where pizza delivery services are much too late, we need to stick together amidst the world's hardships. We need to unite, and _fight _for what is right, no matter what. Our survival depends on each other, and we cannot bring each other down, or we cause our own demise! We need to band together and bring _peace_ to the world, bring _coats_ to the freezing children, bring _ethics_ to our governments, and bring that darn _pizza_ to the poor starving people!"

Harry stared at Ron, utterly perplexed as to why this incredible speech had to do with anything. Hearing several sniffles, Harry quickly turned around and noticed to his great surprise that a small crowd of people had gathered around Ron as he was speaking. Most of the audience was pulling out handkerchiefs and wiping their eyes or crying silently in their sleeves. Harry noticed that both the police officer and the old woman were also touched; the old woman was wiping tears from her eyes as the police officer sniffled profusely.

Hermione, however, looked positively horrified and observed the audience apprehensively.

"So you see officer," persisted Ron. "I cannot allow you to take Harry in, for it would be an insult to our country, our people, our pizza, and all that we ever stood for. So, in the name England, we salute you and take our leave."

And with that Ron took a baffled Harry and a shocked Hermione by the forearm, paused to salute a waving (and weeping) audience, and led his bewildered friends away.

Once they reached the portkey, the Trio quickly hitched up their bags to their shoulders and Harry prepared himself for the familiar tugging just behind his navel, never once looking back.

Harry's feet left the ground; he could feel Ron and Hermione's bodies banging unmercifully into his; a swirl of light and color surrounded them, the portkey pulling him magnetically forward and then-

Harry felt his feet slam into the ground and his knees buckled as he fell to the floor, subconsciously grabbing Ron's shoulder and pulling Ron with him.

"_Oww…"_ moaned Harry, shutting his eyes as his whole body suddenly began to throb with exhaustion.

"You're back!" cried a familiar voice as someone helped Harry to his feet.

Harry reluctantly opened his eyes, recognizing his helper as Lupin, one hand supporting Harry and the other carrying a large box. Hermione was already up and dusting off her skirt, still looking slightly dazed. Harry felt something tug at his sock and he looked down, only to find Ron sprawled across the floor, gazing up at him indignantly.

"Oh, sorry mate!" exclaimed Harry, leaving Lupin's support to aid Ron.

Once Ron was back on his feet Harry took a quick glance at his surroundings; they were in the Room of Requirement. Too tired to feel anything but grateful, Harry staggered to his bed (the Trio managed to add beds to the décor, but nothing else), and both his friends followed suit. But Lupin wasn't through with them just yet.

"So," began Lupin, seating himself on the edge of Harry's bed. "How'd it go?"

"It was awesome…" whispered Ron breathlessly.

"…_Never_…again…" muttered Hermione darkly.

"Agreed," sighed Harry, sitting up slightly so as to give Lupin more seat-room.

Lupin retrieved his package from where he left it by his feet and took it in his lap, tearing it open.

Harry gazed at the contents curiously. They looked almost like…

"Sunglasses Harry?" offered Lupin, holding out a pair. "I got them 50 percent off at a costume store in Hogsmeade. Oh, and I got my costume there too."

"…_Costume store…?"_ repeated Harry lividly. "You mean we went to a _department store _when we could have just gone to _Hogsmeade?_"

"What?" asked Lupin, furrowing his brows. "You went to a muggle department store?"

"_Yes,"_ seethed Hermione, crossing her arms. "Ron told us that you told him that we were supposed to get a portkey and go to a _muggle department store!_"

Lupin frowned. "I instructed Ron to inform you to shop at Madam Charlotte's Costume Emporium in Hogsmeade!"

Harry and Hermione turned to glare venomously at Ron, who had hidden himself under his covers so that only his frightened eyes and fiery red hair peeked out from under them.

"…I…I thought it would be…fun…" mumbled Ron fearfully, wide eyes darting back in forth, as if looking for escape.

Hermione scoffed, and much to Harry's surprise, did not scold Ron but only turned over on her bed so that her back was to him and moved no more. Apparently, Hermione too drained to even lecture Ron. _'Well,'_ considered Harry. _'I guess there's a first time for everything…'_

Lupin stood up and clutched his box of sunglasses, shooting an annoyed glance at Ron. "I'd better go now Harry, my friends must be wondering what I'm up to."

Harry yawned. "…Yeah…bye Remus…"

"Goodbye," replied Lupin, closing the door softly behind him.

Harry leaned back on his pillow; he could feel himself slowly drifting off to sleep. Already, he could hear Ron snoring. It had certainly been a trying day…

Harry's last thoughts before he fell asleep were of his newly-found hatred for muggle department stores. _Especially_ ones that sold sunglasses and umbrellas.

oOoOoOo

A/N: Ron is a genius, is he not? But anyway, I rather like this chapter, even though it's completely pointless. But it was so fun to write! I giggled practically the whole way through.

And as for the woman in the vulture hat…well I'll let you decide who that was (coughcoughSNAPEcough).


	12. Did Someone Say Cliché?

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter (though I wish I did), Back to the Future or their various quotes (I wish I owned that too...), or anything else that's too expensive for me to own.

A/N: Sorry, sorry, sorry! I'm soooooo sorry for not updating sooner! It's just that I've been working on Divine Torment, and school has been _dreadful_. But, I managed it! Hope you like this chapter, took me _forever_ to overcome an inconvenient and rather nasty bought of Writer's Block.

Oh, and a HUGE thanks to all who reviewed; I haven't forgotten you!

And also: a big thanks to Imprint Of A Departed Soul, who agreed to edit this and help me overcome Writer's Block. I'll thank you later, _Darling, _if you know what I mean. (winks)

oOoOoOo

"Hurry _up_ Hermione!" whined Ron, crossing his arms. "You promised to help me get dressed!"

Hermione let out a derisive snort from behind the curtain. She had charmed one to hang across the room in order to give herself some privacy in their Room of Requirement while she dressed for Slughorn's dance. "I didn't say I'd help you get _dressed _Ronald, I said I'd help you _look presentable_. There's a big difference."

Ron pouted, but did not retort, and instead resorted to flopping himself onto his bed with an exasperated sigh.

Harry was too nervous to comment on Ron and Hermione's little spat. In fact, he was too nervous to say anything at all. _'I'm going on a date with my mother, I'm going on a date with my mother, I'm going on a date with my mother…'_

Now that was one thing a young man did _not_ want to convince himself capable of.

Harry wiped his sweaty palms on the front of his suit as he contemplated the all the possible things that could go wrong that night.

'_I could kiss my mother…_

_I could become gay after kissing my mother…_

_Lockhart could kiss my mother…_

_I could become gay after seeing Lockhart kiss my mother…_

_The Time Turner could be eternally damaged and we might have to stay here forever…_

_I could cease to exist…_

_I could somehow become my own father…_

_Sirius could kiss Ron…_

_EUGH…'_

Harry shook his head, attempting to clear the disturbing thoughts drifting around his jumble of a mind.

"I'm done!" called Hermione from behind the curtain.

Ron leapt up eagerly from the bed as Harry turned to inspect Hermione's ensemble.

Hermione reached out a hand from the curtain and pulled it aside…

Ron gaped. Harry was stunned. Hermione smiled.

"How do I look?"

That was a ridiculous question in Harry's opinion.

The dress Hermione was wearing clung to a figure that Harry had never really noticed was there, flowing out at the hips and stopping just below the knees. Thin straps dipped into a v-shaped neckline that revealed a very subtle, very subdued cleavage. The dress was a warm burgundy color; however, a shimmering gold fabric overlaid the original burgundy material. Matching jewelry and gold flip-flops finished off the look. She even managed to pull her tangled curls into a fancy bun, and wore a bit of make-up as well. Her outfit was simple, yet charming, and absolutely suited Hermione. Harry had already thought of Hermione as pretty, in a natural sort of way, but the effect of her ensemble was reasonably dramatic.

"…Harry? Ron? You didn't answer my question…" Hermione bit her lip nervously, waiting for the verdict.

"You look hot-er…_amazing!"_ gasped Ron. Harry nodded in agreement.

Hermione smiled shyly. "Do you really think so?"

"Absolutely," confirmed Harry, grinning down at Hermione. "You look fantastic."

Hermione beamed. "Thanks." She turned to Ron now. "Ron, get your dress on and I'll help you with the rest."

Ron obeyed reluctantly, taking his respective dress in his arms and slipping behind the curtain.

As Ron dressed, Harry's feeling of happiness for Hermione slowly evaporated as the feeling of dread overcame him. He would be going on a date with his mother! And not only that, but he would be taking advantage of her, something Harry had never done before. The thought made him feel nauseous. _'Oh,_ why _did I have to come up with that plan…?"_

It seemed as though his anxiety showed on his face because Hermione put a comforting hand on his shoulder. "You can do it Harry," she said seriously. "It really is our last chance this time. It's the only way for your parents to get together, and to get us back to the future. You can do it."

"No pressure, huh?" asked Harry glumly.

"You can do it," repeated Hermione firmly.

"_Ahem,"_ came Ron's irritated voice. Harry and Hermione looked up, and Harry saw Ron's head peeking out from behind the curtain, a murderous scowl on his face. "If you two don't _mind_, I'd like Hermione's assistance with…with this."

Harry raised an eyebrow at Ron's coldness and Hermione gave Harry's shoulder a small squeeze before disappearing behind the curtain and attending to Ron.

Harry sat down on his bed as he waited, head in his hands. Hermione's confidence in him did seem to help his own self-assurance. _'I can do it…I can do it…I can…I can…'_

Taking advantage of his mother would be easy, right?

'…_Who am I kidding? I can't do it!'_

Harry tried not to hyperventilate as the thoughts of self-doubt diluted his mind once more. But panic slowly began to overtake him and Harry clutched to his blanket fearfully, convinced that it could not get any worse that his current situation. He was wrong.

A high-pitched scream jerked Harry out of his panic attack and he leapt up from his bed and, pulling out his trusty wand, readied himself for any trouble that may burst in.

Well, in a manner of speaking.

A blur of blonde and pink barged through the curtain and, howling all the while, barreled right toward Harry.

Harry felt a sudden wave of deja vu as the blur crashed into him, sending poor Harry tumbling to the floor.

"Ron, _no!_" squealed Hermione, racing to Harry's side. "Are you okay Harry? Did he hurt you? Oh I'm _so _sorry, I shouldn't have shown him…are you alright? I swear I'll _kill_ him…"

"I'm…fine…" grumbled Harry, pushing himself up into a sitting position. "I just wish he'd stop doing that…"

"I'm so sorry Harry," repeated Hermione, helping Harry up. "I showed Ron his reflection in the mirror…I didn't know he'd take it so badly…"

Harry glanced at the quivering mass that was Ron. He was now curled up into a tight ball, rocking back and forth.

Hermione sighed and strode over to Ron, forcing him to stand up. Ron obeyed after a few minutes of indistinguishable protest, muttering darkly.

Harry examined Ron's ensemble, unsure if he should laugh or run.

It was true, Ron looked nothing like himself. But in Harry's eyes, Ron looked nothing like a girl either. Ron was dressed in a very pink, very frilly dress that might have looked cute on any other blonde girl. The dress was abnormally tight on Ron, due to his masculine frame, and was a bit too short, revealing rather hairy legs from the mid-thigh down.

Ron's hair was once again platinum blonde, but this time it was done up in a fancy ponytail. But that did nothing to soften his appearance, as his face was also done up in a hideous amount of makeup, whose purpose Harry assumed was to hide Ron's masculine features.

Ron pulled back the curtain and faced the mirror again, whimpering pathetically. "I look like a…a _drag queen!_"

"Oh, don't be so dramatic, Ronald," huffed Hermione. "You don't look that bad…"

"That bad?" squeaked Ron, staring wide-eyed at his reflection. _"That bad?"_

"There's something missing…" muttered Harry to himself. As he examined Ron's outfit, he couldn't help but feel there was something about it that was absent…

"What?" asked Hermione. "Missing something? What could possibly be mis…oh!"

She grabbed her wand and pointed it at Ron, almost hesitantly. _"Torsono Femininco!" _

Harry watched with a mixture of amusement and disgust as a rather full bosom suddenly materialized on Ron's chest, much to Ron's alarm.

"Yep," confirmed Harry. "That's what was missing."

"Ahhh!" shouted Ron, arms outstretched and face pointed down. _"What did you do to me?"_

"I feminized you," replied Hermione simply, slipping her wand into her purse.

Ron gazed down at his new developments, shock apparent on his features. "You mean I'm…I'm not a bloke?"

"Oh no," said Hermione airily. "You are male…well, at least, half of you is. You're neither boy nor girl; you're sort of…_in between_."

Ron looked up to glower at her fiercely.

"Oh, don't worry," added Hermione quickly at Ron's furious glare. "It's only temporary."

Harry snickered into his sleeve as Ron shot him a murderous scowl.

"Only temporary," reminded Harry impishly, waving a finger at Ron.

Ron's face flushed, and he clenched his fists tightly.

Harry, seeing this as very bad sign, did not comment further, but instead resorted to examining his fingernails idly as Hermione gathered the Time Turner, tucking it into her purse.

"Right," she said as she finished. "We'd better go now; you have to meet your mother Harry."

Ron chortled at this, and Harry shot him a venomous glare.

"_And _you have to join Sirius, Ron," reminded Hermione.

It was Harry's turn to laugh, and Ron turned to growl in his general direction.

Hermione sighed and grabbed both their arms, dragging them to the door. "Come _on_, we have to go _now _or we'll be _late_!"

"Aww, calm down Hermione," whined Ron as Hermione pushed him through the door. "It's not like being late will ruin our plan or anything…"

"No," replied Hermione stiffly. "It probably won't. But it's best if we start off the night properly…speaking of which, you two have to meet your dates."

Both Harry and Ron groaned simultaneously.

"_Go_," urged Hermione, pushing them toward their respective directions. "And remember; _behave yourselves_!"

oOoOoOo

Harry loosened his collar as sweat began to drip down his face. His mother walked next to him, looking rather ravishing in her emerald green dress, which not only matched her eyes, but also matched Harry's.

She slipped her hand in his, and Harry looked down at their conjoined hands, eyes wide with fear.

"You look very handsome, Tom-Harry…" Lily purred in his ear.

"You look lovely too, Lily…" gasped Harry, forcing a smile on his face.

They passed by the garden, decorated with rose bushes and shimmering fountains, and Harry suddenly remembered their plan. However, this did not reassure him; it only made him feel sick to his stomach.

Harry checked his (solar-powered) watch. It was 8:07. Too early.

"So," said Harry hastily, pushing his glasses up his sweaty nose. "Should we check out the dance?"

"Sure," replied Lily. "I'd love to meet your friends again. We haven't exactly introduced ourselves properly."

"Yeah…"

As Harry recalled, Slughorn's dance was to be held in the Great Hall (since everyone in the school was invited this time, not only the Slug Club), and he led Lily in the right direction, craning his neck lest he saw Ron or Hermione along the way.

They reached the doors to the Great Hall, and Harry quickly opened the door for Lily.

The first thing that Harry noticed about the Great Hall when he entered was that it was dark. Really dark. Harry blinked, letting his eyes adjust to the change of light. He felt Lily next to him doing the same. Harry closed his eyes one last time before opening them, then peered at his surroundings.

Lily gasped.

Harry blinked.

'_Are we in the right room?'_

Harry squinted, examining his surroundings a bit more carefully. And sure enough, there was no doubt about it; they were in the Great Hall.

It was the same size and shape; only the place seemed as if it was decorated to look exactly like a muggle gym, hosting a very clichéd, 70s-styled High School dance.

As Harry ushered Lily through the room, he could see students dressed as muggles sitting on strangely-shaped furniture in the midst of colorful wallpaper and shag carpet. At the center of the Great Hall was a large dance floor with a huge disco ball hanging over it, casting dancing rays of light across the dimly-lit room. The Great Hall appeared nothing like its original self, in fact, the only thing confirming that the Great Hall was not a poorly-decorated High School gym was the Great Hall's ceiling, or lack thereof, revealing beautiful stars twinkling above them in the dark sky. Muggle disco music was playing loudly as people danced and talked, and Harry became aware of the festive and exciting atmosphere. A big refreshment table took up one of the walls on Harry's right, and he headed toward it, dragging Lily along with him.

"Why is it men always head toward the food?" muttered Lily grumpily as Harry frantically searched the room for Ron or Hermione.

"Er, I didn't eat lunch?" provided Harry.

Lily gave a small shake of the head, smiling all the while.

"Oy, Harry!" called a boisterous voice from behind them.

Harry turned around and saw Sirius Black heading towards him, followed by a slightly unhappy-looking Ron.

"Oh, hey, Sirius," greeted Harry. "Oh, and hello Ro-_Rhonda._ Having fun?"

"Plenty," smirked Sirius, snaking a hand around a reluctant Ron's waist.

"So I see," replied Harry, winking at Ron.

"Have you seen James around?" asked Sirius curiously, peeking over Harry's shoulder as if James would be hiding there. "I've been looking for him everywhere."

"Nope," said Harry quickly. "Haven't seen him. Have no clue where he is."

"Oh, bollocks," scowled Sirius. "I hope the pansy isn't sulking…ever since you asked Evans out, his wand has been up his-"

"_Ahem,"_ interrupted Lily, her hands crossed and her foot tapping.

"Oh, hello _Lily_! How are you _darling?_" asked Sirius innocently, directing his attention at Harry's mother.

"Fine, _Sirius_," said Lily shortly, wrinkling her nose. "You aren't up to anything are you? Because if you are…"

"Oh, don't worry," reassured Sirius. "_I'm_ not up to anything, but things are certainly _up_, if you know what I mean…"

He gave Ron a little wink, much to Harry's horror. Ron's face slowly turned a sickly green color and he looked as though he might toss his lunch.

"_Anyway,_" cut in Harry quickly. "Have you seen Hermione and Lupin around?"

"Oh yeah, see that guy with the afro and the heels over there? They're sitting in a couple of beanbags behind him, _talking_. What a pair of nerds."

"Right, thanks," said Harry, giving Ron and Sirius a smile. "Shall we Lily?"

"Oh yes," smiled Lily. "I'd love to meet your friend."

"Great. Well, we'll just be going now…"

Ron sent Harry a horrified glance that clearly said, "NO! Don't leave me!"

"Of course," said Sirius, waving his hand. "You two lovebirds move along, Rhonda and I have some_ business_ to take care of in the nearest broom closet…"

Ron whimpered.

"Have fun," smirked Harry, following Lily toward the man wearing heels and an afro.

Once they reached the man they halted, peeking around him.

Sure enough, there was Hermione and Lupin, both laughing at something and looking as if they were rather enjoying themselves.

"Hey, Hermione, Remus!" called Harry, approaching them.

"Oh, hello Harry," smiled Hermione.

"Alright Harry?" questioned Lupin.

"Yeah," replied Harry. "Oh, and Hermione; I don't believe you've really met Lily?"

He sent Hermione a meaningful glance, and she seemed to understand.

Hermione stood up from her seat and walked toward Lily, offering her hand. "How do you do? I'm Hermione…uhm, Granger."

"I'm Lily Evans," said Lily, taking Hermione's hand and shaking it.

Lupin and Lily exchanged polite greetings once they had finished, and Harry and Lily sat down with Hermione and Lupin.

"So, Hermione," began Lily, flicking her long red hair out of her face. "What's your favorite subject?"

Harry smirked.

"Ooh, that's a hard question," said Hermione, furrowing her eyebrows slightly. "Well, I do enjoy all of them really, but I have to say I find Arithmancy simply _fascinating_."

"Really?" asked Lily incredulously. "Most people hate it! But it's my favorite subject!"

"_Really?"_

"Yes! I know it's difficult, but that's the beauty of it; it challenges me."

"Exactly!"

Harry and Lupin exchanged looks as Hermione and Lily dove into an enthusiastic conversation about Arithmancy.

"So Harry," whispered Lupin. "Are you _really _alright?"

"…Yeah. I'm fine."

Lupin raised an eyebrow.

"No really! I'm fine! _Really!_"

Lupin raised his other eyebrow.

Harry sighed. "Okay. So I do have some issues with this…"

"As would I."

"Yeah…but I can do it…I _think_."

"Good," smiled Lupin, thumping Harry on the back. "Because it's almost time."

Harry gaped at him. _"Already?"_

Lupin nodded. "If you don't believe me, take a look at your watch."

Harry looked down at his wrist. It was now 8:48.

"Great Scott!" cried Harry, jumping from his seat.

Lily looked up at him, worry etched across her face. "Is something wrong Tom-Harry?"

"Er, no," said Harry quickly. "I mean, yes. Yes, there is something wrong!"

"What is it?"

"I…uh…"

Hermione watched at them apprehensively.

"…Uh…"

"Yes?"

"It's kinda stuffy in here, don't you think?" asked Harry anxiously, pulling on his tie.

Lily gazed up at him doubtfully. "Sort of…"

"Wanna go outside?" blurted Harry.

"Uh…"

"Great! Let's go!" exclaimed Harry, dragging her toward the door. Harry thought he heard Ron—_Rhonda _screaming something about broom closets being full of spiders, which might have been highly amusing if Harry wasn't just a _bit_ preoccupied at the moment.

Once they were out Harry let go of Lily's arm, letting her jog by his side.

"Harry? _Harry!_ Wait up! What's the hurry?"

"No hurry!" squeaked Harry, stomach churning as he slowed down to a brisk walk. "What hurry? I'm not hurrying, there's no hurry!"

"If you say so…" mumbled Lily, casting Harry a strange look.

They walked for a while in silence, and Harry glanced out the hallway window, noticing that they were nearing the Hogwarts Gardens.

"Do you mind if we go outside…for a while?" asked Harry fearfully, gesturing a shaky hand toward the gardens.

"That's a great idea," said Lily, beaming up at him. "I'd love to go outside."

Harry nodded distractedly and linked his arm with hers, guiding them out an exit and to a nearby bench amidst the greenery and the fountains.

They sat down, and Harry hastily looked around, making sure they were alone.

Lily frowned slightly. "Harry, you seem so nervous, is something wrong??

"N-no," laughed Harry nervously, his voice cracking. "No. Of course not."

"I don't believe you," sniffed Lily haughtily. "Something's wrong. Why are you so nervous?"

Harry gave a weary sigh. "Lily, have you ever…_uh_…been in a situation where…you know you had to act a certain way, but when you got there, you didn't know if you could go through with it?"

"Oh, you mean how you're supposed to act on a first date?" asked Lily, casting him a shy smile.

"Ah…well, sort of."

"I think I know exactly what you mean."

"You do?" questioned Harry, incredulous.

Lily shot him a sly smile. "You know what I do in those situations?"

"What?" asked Harry apprehensively, not sure if he wanted to know the answer.

"I don't worry."

Harry was about to respond, but before he could speak, Lily leaned forward and swiftly placed her lips on his, shocking him.

Harry couldn't breathe. He was kissing his mother and he couldn't breathe.

Lily opened her mouth and dragged her tongue across Harry's lips, begging for entrance. Harry, who was suffocating from lack of air, opened his mouth.

As it turned out, that was a terrible, terrible mistake.

Lily gained entrance, her tongue exploring Harry's mouth eagerly, and Harry almost blacked out then and there.

And then, just as suddenly as it started, it stopped.

Lily paused, withdrawing her face from Harry's.

Harry could feel his heart thumping wildly against his chest, and he cautiously opened his eyes, not aware that he had been closing them so tightly. He didn't move from shock, but he could tell that he was lying down on the bench, hands clutching the sides of it. He couldn't remember getting in that position…

"Harry?"

Harry leapt up from his position as if he had been burned, jerking around to face Lily with wide eyes.

"Harry, are you alright?"

Harry took a deep breath and sat down next to her, disappointment clouding his thoughts. He couldn't do it. He couldn't take advantage of Lily. They would be here, in the past, forever…

Lily frowned. "This is all wrong…I don't know what it is but when I kiss you, it's like kissing…_my cousin_."

Harry looked up, disbelieving.

"I guess that doesn't make any sense, does it?" asked Lily sadly.

Harry shook his head. "It makes _perfect_ sense…"

She sighed dejectedly, placing her head in her hands. "Now what?"

"Now," said a voice behind them. "I think it's best if you come with me Lily."

Lily gasped and Harry spun around. It was Gilderoy Lockhart, and he looked mad.

"_You,"_ seethed Lockhart, pointing his wand at Harry's chest. "You stole Lily from me…"

Harry groaned. His plan had failed, he had almost been molested by his mother, and now some deranged lunatic was pointing a wand at him. Harry was _not _in a good mood.

"He didn't steal me from you!" exclaimed Lily, swiftly placing herself between Harry and Lockhart's wand. "You never had me!"

Harry nodded vigorously. What Lily said was a little cliché, but hey, it worked. "What she said!"

Harry Potter knew he had a way with words.

"Come, Lily." Lockhart went on as if he hadn't heard what they said.

"No!" cried Lily. "I'm sorry Gilderoy, but I never loved you, and I never will."

Harry almost groaned again. This was starting to sound just like a Soap Opera.

Lockhart ran a hand through his thick, golden waves. "I know you want me Lily."

"I'm sorry Gilderoy. I don't."

"Oh for the love of Pete!" cried Harry melodramatically, throwing his hands in the air. "Lockhart, don't you get it? She doesn't fancy you, so bugger off!"

Lockhart pulled Lily towards him.

"_No!"_ yelled Lily, trying to pry her way out of Lockhart's arms. "Stop it! Let me go, _let me go!_"

"She does," hissed Lockhart.

"_De-ni-al,"_ sang Harry.

"Why you little-"

But before Lockhart could finish, a deafening sound of crashing stone filled the air, and Harry whipped for the source of the noise.

James Potter was sprinting towards them, cursing several fountains as he ran. _'Talk about dramatic entrances...'_

"Hey you!" cried James, aiming his wand in the general direction of the group. "Get your damn hands off-oh…am I interrupting something here…?"

"James!" exclaimed Harry. "Lockhart just came and…well…"

"I think you've got the wrong garden, Potter," growled Lockhart, pointing his wand at James.

James stared at him blankly. "What do you mean? There's only one garden here. Well, unless you mean Hagrid's, but-"

"Potter! Stop dilly-dallying and get us out of this mess!" snapped Lily.

Harry sighed, deciding to take advantage of this incredibly melodramatic distraction. He reached very slowly into his pocket for his wand, and as he fumbled for it, he felt his breath quicken. Lockhart seemed to be watching Harry from the corner of his eye. And, surely enough, just as Harry gripped his wand, it tore itself from his grasp and landed in the waiting hand of Lockhart.

Then, pushing Lily to Harry, Lockhart faced James again. "Now, now Potter. Being the sensible gentleman that I am, I'm not one for violence. So I have a little proposition for you."

James scowled. "I'm listening."

Lockhart thrust his nose upward, a Malfoy-like smirk playing on his lips. "I, Gilderoy Lockhart, challenge you, Potter, to a Dance Off."

Distant thunder rumbled and Harry could see lightening flare in the sky. But despite his eerie surroundings and the strangely dramatized weather, Harry almost laughed. A_ Dance Off? _That was _it? That _was all Lockhart could come up with?

"That's it?" asked Lily skeptically, voicing Harry's thoughts. "A Dance Off? That's all?"  
"Yes," replied Lockhart simply. "It's safe and sophisticated. Of course we'll do it. Unless you're too scared, Potter…"

"Yeah right!" scoffed James. "You're on! We'll do your girly little dance thing. Whoever wins gets the girl."

"_Excuse me!"_ exclaimed Lily indignantly. "I'm no trophy!"

"Of course not, dear!" assured Lockhart. "It's for pride purposes only."

"But whoever wins gets to snog you silly," added James. "And that'd be _me_."

"In your dreams, Potter," sneered Lily and Lockhart simultaneously.

Harry rushed to James' side, anxiety knotting his stomach. "Are you sure this is a good idea James? It could be a trap."

"Oh don't be such a spoil-sport, Harry," said James, wearing a satisfied grin. "This'll be a piece of cake."

"Can you dance, James?" asked Harry skeptically.

James scoffed. "Of course I can!" Then he murmured in a lower voice, "Mum made me take dance lessons, something about balancing my inner self."

Harry bit his lip nervously. Something about Lockhart's suggestion didn't feel right…

"Right then," sniffed Lockhart. "If you two are quite finished, let's do this."

"Bring it on, Pretty Boy!" smirked James.

Harry sighed, wondering vaguely what Fate had in store for him next. Tonight was definitely _not_ going as planned.

oOoOoOo

A/N: _Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!!!_

Just kidding.

Anyway, don't worry; the next chapter will be a lot funnier. I have it all written out.

So, review, review, review!


	13. So You Think You Can Dance

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter (though I wish I did), Back to the Future or their various quotes (I wish I owned that too...), Monty Python (It's only a flesh-wound!), Jerry Maguire (TOM CRUISE!), or anything else that's too expensive for me to own.

A/N: Oh, where should I begin? Here I am, sitting at my desk, at 1:00 in the morning…and no, I'm not insane, thank you very much. My mom says I'm special.

But anyway, it's just that…this is the LAST FRICKIN' CHAPTER OF BACK IN TIME! And I'm _really_ excited, but at the same time unbearably sad. And I'll have you know, that I even _almost- _I repeat, _almost_-considered discontinuing the story, since it's mostly just the creation of my very strange and twisted mind, and a load of complete nonsense. I was also overcome with a terrible bought of Writer's Block, which I explained about earlier in the last chapter.

But I digress.

Anyway, I realized that I couldn't just discontinue Back in Time because I just _hate _it when other authors do that, no offense to anyone or anything. But really, let's face it; there are a lot more bad fics in this world than good fics, my own no exception. And when you find a jewel, and then it just cuts off, and you look at the author's last update and see that it was like 1673837987 million years ago, it's just so _frustrating! _Personally, I usually like to finish a book or a fic, unless they're really really _really _bad, so please forgive my ranting. I just find it so infuriating, and I couldn't do that to anyone, and especially someone that actually bothered to read my fic of constant nonsense and maybe even _enjoyed_ it. So I believe I did the best I could on this chapter. Well, okay, I have a few regrets, but it's too late in the game to fix them. But that's alright! This is only my second fic after all (my first one is so bad, I didn't bother to post it here, although I might rewrite it someday…), and I can afford some mistakes, right? Right.

Also: Yes, I am aware of the fact that Lucius Malfoy was not around for this time period. But **IDGARA**!

So, since I just poured out my heart and soul to you, the least you could do is leave a review.

Now onto the story!

oOoOoOo

As it turned out, Fate seemed to enjoy dealing Harry a lousy set of cards.

Harry nervously scanned the Great Hall as his father prepared for the Dance Off. He hadn't been able to tell Hermione what had occurred while he was in the garden, though when he saw her he knew that she could tell that something was wrong. Harry searched the Great Hall for Ron, but he couldn't find him anywhere.

Lily seethed angrily next to him. "I can't believe this, Harry! This wasn't supposed to happen!"

"Yeah," agreed Harry distractedly, scrutinizing the crowds. _'Where on Earth is Ron?'_

"And now, I'm supposedly a trophy for Dance competition! Two men! Dancing! Whatever happened to the _manly _competitions? Oh, what is the world coming to…?"

"Uh-huh."

"Oh, _woe is me…_"

Suddenly, Harry spied a head of platinum blonde hair bobbing across the dance floor. "You're absolutely right, Lily," said Harry hastily. "And now I have to go."

"But wait!" cried Lily, grabbing Harry's arm. "I haven't finished complaining yet!"

"Don't worry!" said Harry, detaching himself from Lily vice-like grip. "I'll be right back."

He heard Lily sigh as he weaved his way through the masses of students, heading right towards the blonde.

"Ron!" called Harry, reaching out to pull Ron out from the dance floor. "Ron, I've got to tell-"

"Get your filthy hands off me, you commoner," drawled a very un-Ron-like voice.

Harry gasped, pulling his hands back as if he had been bitten. There, where Harry had thought Ron was standing, was a very blonde, very evil-looking, younger version of Lucius Malfoy.

"You must be that Hilfiger fellow everyone's talking about," sneered Lucius Malfoy, gray eyes glinting malevolently. "You're the half-mental bloke who has Potter for a cousin. My condolences."

_"Malfoy?" _gasped Harry, just barely registering the vile Death Eater from his past, or rather; his future, who now stood before him.

"Yes, that's my name, Hilfiger," smirked Malfoy. "And an incredibly famous name, too. Father says I'll be inheriting the Malfoy fortune any time now, so I suggest you get out of my way and stop breathing my air."

Harry almost laughed. Definitely a Malfoy.

He turned around, searching the crowd yet again for his once-redheaded friend.

"_Potter!" _shouted a voice behind him, and Harry spun around.

'_Oh no…'_

A sixteen year old version of an all-too-familiar Severus Snape lashed out a hand, snatching the front of Harry's suit and pulling Harry towards him.

Harry yelped as he found that he couldn't move his arms or feet. _'Snape must've bound me…'_

"Now, Potter," hissed Snape menacingly. "I know you and your little friends did this-"

"Did what?" asked Harry, confused.

Snape let go of Harry's front, gesturing wildly behind him. "This, Potter! _This!_"

Harry peeked curiously over Snape's shoulder, extremely amused at the sight he saw.

There was a rather large bottle of shampoo, colored a violent shade of pink, hovering just behind Snape. It seemed to float correspondingly to Snape's movements, always staying within two feet of him.

"It's been following me everywhere!" howled Snape furiously. "And I've tried everything; hexes, spells, charms, even potions! _Everything!_"

"Did you try using it?" smirked Harry, stifling a giggle.

"Just give me the countercurse, or I'll hex you into oblivion!"

"I didn't do it."

Snape's lips curled into a sneer. "I don't believe this Potter; not owning up to your own prank? How cowardly."

"But I didn't do it!" insisted Harry.

"He's right, Snivellus, he didn't do it. I did."

Snape whipped around, his greasy black hair whacking Harry's face in the process. "_You!_ You did this?"

Sirius Black stepped swiftly between Harry and Snape, grinning proudly. Harry sighed with relief. "Very clever, Snivellus. Indeed, it was I."

"I should have known," growled Snape.

Sirius pointed his wand at Snape's chest, flicking it upward. Before Snape could react, his feet immediately uprooted from the ground, sending him flying through the air, feet-first. The shampoo bottle followed.

Sirius whispered a small incantation and Snape halted, hanging in the air as if an invisible rope had hoisted him up by the foot.

Several people nearby laughed as Snape thrashed wildly about, blood rushing to his face.

"Oh and by the way, Snivellus," said Sirius coolly. "This isn't James you're threatening, it's his cousin; Harry. Harry Hilfiger."

Snape stopped his squirming, glaring down at Harry with an expression of purest loathing.

Sirius unbound Harry, and Harry turned to Sirius, grateful for his help. "Thanks, Sirius."

"No problem, Harry," said Sirius, grinning wolfishly. He flicked his wand again, and Snape fell down to the floor in a heap. The shampoo bottle pursued him, hovering right behind his left ear.

"Hey, Sirius," said Harry as the two of them made their way off of the dance floor. "Where's Ro-er, Rhonda?"

"Oh…that…" Sirius bit his lip.

"_Sirius? _Where is she?"

"Harry, I have some bad news and some good news."

Harry closed his eyes, willing himself not to panic. "What's the bad news?"

"Well, Rhonda and I were going to have a bit of _fun_ in the broom closet, when she gets all scared. Something about spiders…anyway, I thought she was just playing hard to get at first but then she starts freaking out. So I said—oh this gets them every time—well…usually— _"Don't worry baby, I'LL protect you…."_ And for some reason she flips out and starts rambling on about how men are always keeping women down, how we think they need to be protected, how we always leave the toilet seat up and blah, blah, blah, blah. And then suddenly I'm surrounded by an angry mob of birds, and Rhonda's on top of a table preaching to everyone! It was a revolution! Or a really sick cult…"

Harry began to wonder about the side effects of Hermione's spell. "…What's the good news?"

"I just saved hundreds of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico!"

Harry sighed. _'It could have been worse…'_

"Oh, and stay away from the seafood. There's something in the oysters."

Harry ground his teeth together. _'Never mind that; it can't get _any_ worse than this!'_

"ATTENTION!" blared a voice that sounded as if it was talking in a microphone or a loudspeaker. "MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE!"

Harry looked up, alarmed.

"PLEASE CLEAR THE DANCE FLOOR, I REPEAT: PLEASE CLEAR THE DANCE FLOOR! A DANCE COMPETITION IS ABOUT TO TAKE PLACE!"

"Excellent!" cried Sirius, snatching Harry's arm and dragging him off the dance floor. "Let's go find James and wish him good luck!"

"You-you know about this?" asked Harry incredulously.

"But of course. It was all over the school!"

Harry shook his head disbelievingly. It was amazing how news got around these days…or rather, those days.

The crowd of students rushed off the dance floor, moving in massive waves that pushed Harry and Sirius along as they frantically searched for James.

Suddenly, Sirius snatched Harry's arm, dragging him toward the refreshment table, yelling, "I see him!"

Harry looked over Sirius's shoulder as he pulled Harry along, but he didn't see James anywhere.

"Where is he?" asked Harry, squinting his eyes. "I don't see him."

"He's right over there," called Sirius, pointing in the general direction of the refreshment table.

Harry concentrated hard on the table, searching for his father. But the only people that were near the table were Peter Pettigrew, a small group of giggling girls, and some guy with a very large afro. _'Either I'm blind, or Sirius is delusional, because James isn't there…'_

To Harry's surprise, Sirius ushered Harry toward the man with the afro and tapped him on the shoulder. The man turned around and Harry gasped.

It was his father, dressed in colorful bell-bottoms and a paisley top, complete with orange heels and a very large afro.

"Hey Prongs," said Sirius cheerily, as if nothing was odd about James' attire. "Good luck with the Dance Off. I know you'll beat that weasel into the ground!"

"Yo, wassup G-unit?" exclaimed James enthusiastically. "How's it hangin' Home Slice?"

Harry gaped at his father stupidly as Sirius answered, unperturbed. "Pretty good. How are you? Are you nervous?"

James scoffed, his afro bobbing up and down as he moved his head. "Dream on, man, I'm not buggin'. I'm just chillaxin', like BAM, man, to the _max_, fo shizzle. I'll tell that Jive Turkey to kiss my wrist when I ream 'im, Dig it?"

Sirius gasped. "_James Potter!_ Watch your language young man!"

Harry blinked. "Er…And what language would that be, exactly?"

"The hip lingo, man!" grinned James. "I'm just talk-izz-ing like every other cool cat round here, can you dig it?"

"Uh…James? Where'd you get those heels?"

"Mind your potatoes!" scowled James. "Don't be a bunny, my homie. Feel the Funk, do you copy?"

"But…I'm not a bunny…"

Sirius sighed. "He means 'be cool', Harry."

"Totally, man."

"Oh..."

James looked down at his watch. "We better book, dudes. Time for me to groove and get down!"

Sirius nodded. "You're right, Prongs. Let's go."

Sirius and Harry followed James to the middle of the dance floor, and Harry saw that Hermione, Lupin, and Ron were there waiting for them.

"Peace, homies!" called James. "How's it hangin'?"

Hermione, Lupin, and Ron exchanged confused glances.

"Don't diss me, dawgs. Now gimme some skin!" James raised a hand, apparently waiting for someone to give him a high five.

"James?" asked Lupin, his expression bewildered. "Is that you? Why are you talking like that?"

"I'm like, out to lunch man," sighed James. "Why can't ya'll dig the hip way of talk-izz-ing these days, people? Zetus-lapeduz! Come on, get with the times!"

Harry was about to respond when a deafening bang filled the room and the lights went off, making the room as black as ebony.

"What's going on, Harry?" squeaked Ron, seizing Harry's shoulders.

"I dunno…"

Suddenly, a beam of light shot down to the entrance, and Harry could see a golden-haired figure slide in through the doors.

The man got up, dusting himself off, and Harry realized with disgust that it was Gilderoy Lockhart.

'_What is it with these people and dramatic entrances?' _wondered Harry.

"Attention!" cried Lockhart, snapping his fingers. The lights suddenly went back on, and the dancing floor lit up, sending colorful glowing squares dancing across the ground. "Students, faculty members, ghosts, and food delivery men! May I have your attention! The Dance Off is about to begin!"

An upsurge of murmurs and whispers filled the room as Lockhart made his way toward Harry and his friends.

"Potter," stated Lockhart stiffly.

"Lockhart," growled James.

"Black," greeted Lockhart coolly.

"Lockhart," snarled Sirius.

Lockhart nodded to Harry. "Hilfiger."

Harry grimaced. "Lockhart."

"Weasley!" cried Ron jubilantly.

Lockhart arched his eyebrow at Ron before continuing. "…Anyway, we'd better get this over with. I've got a pedicure at 9:30, and I don't want to be late."

"Let's boogie!" agreed James.

Lockhart and James walked briskly to the middle of the dance floor, positioning themselves so that they were about ten feet apart from each other.

"Scared, Potter?" called Lockhart.

"You wish!" yelled James.

Harry watched intently as the disco music began. It seemed to be Lockhart's turn first, for James stepped back as Lockhart stepped up, head down and arms raised.

The song hit a high point and Lockhart launched into a series of complex dance steps, most of them originating from the 70s era from what Harry could see. Lockhart spun, jumped, leaped, and pirouetted across the dance floor, and as his dance wore on it seemed to get faster and more complicated, until all that could be seen of Lockhart was a dancing blur.

Lockhart finally halted, and a burst of applause erupted from the audience.

"Beat that, Potter…" panted Lockhart, placing his hands on his knees so as to support himself.

"I'll call you out, sucka!" exclaimed James, pushing Lockhart out of the way.

Lockhart blinked. "Pardon?"

James scowled. "You know, I'll beat down your freaky-deaky moves, ya hear?"

"You need help, Potter," said Lockhart slowly, shaking his head.

James sighed and rolled his eyes in the skyward direction. "Beam me up, Scottie. These goons are harshing my mellow."

Lockhart groaned. "Come on, Potter, get on with it!"  
James shot him a glare. "Alright, alright. Geez."

Another disco song began to play, and Harry bit his fingernails worriedly as James walked to the center, afro bobbing all the while.

After a few seconds of nodding his head, James dove into the Electric Slide, and then proceeded to boogie across the floor like a deranged ballerina.

Harry glanced around the Great Hall nervously, examining the faces of the audience. The students were watching with interest, and they seemed to enjoy James' dance much better than Lockhart's.

Lockhart watched with increasing infuriation as the audience clapped and cat-called, enthralled with James' simple, yet entertaining dance moves.

James launched in the Hustle, much to the delight of the crowd, and Harry could feel a smile form on his face as he began to enjoy himself.

Once James had finished, the audience went wild; Ron, Hermione, Lupin, Sirius, and Harry cheering as loud as they could.

Harry and his friends ran over to James, still screaming along with the crowd.

"James, you were brilliant!" exclaimed Lupin, his voice hoarse from shouting so much.

"Yeah!" cried Sirius. "You were bloody wicked!"

"There's no way that prat beat you, James," agreed Harry. "You were awesome. And quite frankly, I'm even more impressed that you managed to do all that in heels!"  
Ron and Hermione nodded their agreement.

"Thanks, homies," beamed James.

Lockhart walked over to them, a murderous scowl on his usually beaming face. "This isn't over yet, Potter!"

"ATTENTION!" blared a magnified voice. "JAMES POTTER HAS WON THE DANCE OFF, I REPEAT, JAMES POTTER HAS WON! THE DANCE OFF IS NOW OVER!"

"You were saying?" asked James smugly.

"I'll get you yet, Potter!" hissed Lockhart. "Next time, you're going _down!_ And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling kids!"

Lockhart turned around, conjuring up a floating carpet with his wand.

"What are you doing?" asked Sirius, raising an eyebrow.

"I'm leaving," sniffed Lockhart.

"But…couldn't you just use the door?" said Harry curiously.

"No, it's not right for my…for my…"

"Idiom?" offered Hermione.

"Yes!" cried Lockhart triumphantly. "That's it…my idiom. It's not right for my idiom. I must leave more…more…"

"Dramatically?" suggested Ron.

"Yes! Dramatically."

Lockhart waved merrily at the crowd before clambering onto the magic carpet and zooming toward the nearest window (nearly colliding into the Disco Ball).

Harry sighed, relieved that Lockhart finally left. Now they could get down to business, but only after…

"Potter?" asked a tentative voice from behind them.

Harry turned around, and to his immense surprise saw Lily standing awkwardly beside them. _'How convenient!'_

Lily cleared her throat, fingering her bracelet. "I just…just want to…to congratulate you on a job well done. And…well, that's all. I guess…I guess I'll see you around..."

She turned to go, but James held her back by the arm. "Yo, foxy Mama. I just wanted to say that you are the grooviest chick I know, and that you rock my world."

She looked back at him, an expression of vague surprise on her face.

James exhaled a shaky breath before continuing. "Alright, I'm not letting you get rid of me this time. Lily…I always seem to mess things up around you…whenever I'm around you I show off like a pompous prat, just to get your attention. I can't help it either…it was just that I was desperate for you to notice me, I'd do anything. But you were on my mind too much. I couldn't get you out of my head, and it scared me. It got to a point where I just couldn't stand it anymore; I had to be with you. I asked you out, and you rejected me. I nearly died that day, do you know that? You've rejected me thousands of times before, but this time you really meant it. You couldn't stand me. I couldn't stand to be away from you, and you couldn't _stand _me. I just gave up after that. I just couldn't handle the rejection."

Lily stared at James, unblinking, her eyes never leaving his face.

"But you know," continued James, giving Lily a small smile. "It didn't work. I still couldn't stop thinking about you…I love you, Lily. You complete me."

Harry almost scoffed at this, but seeing as this was the only thing James had said that actually made sense for the past ten minutes, he held his tongue and waited apprehensively for Lily's reaction.

Lily shook her head slowly, and Harry could see that she was crying, much to his dismay.

"_Shut up,"_ said Lily, her voice thick with emotion. "…You had me at 'Yo, foxy Mama.'"

James's eyes widened in disbelief and Lily pulled James toward her, capturing him in a tender kiss.

James snaked his arm around her waist and pulled her closer, deepening the kiss.

Harry watched happily as his parents snogged each other senseless, wiping a tear from his eye. He turned to his friends and saw that Ron and Lupin were bawling on each other's shoulders, and that Hermione looked as if she was trying very hard not to cry. Sirius, however, was cat-calling as if his life depended on it.

Once James and Lily pulled up for air, Harry heard his mother murmur, "Do me a solid though, would you James?"

James nodded, gazing at her dreamily.

"Promise me you'll stop talking like an idiot."

"That I can do," grinned James, sweeping Lily into another kiss.

Sirius groaned. "Dear Merlin, get a room for Pete's sake!"

Harry felt a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to face an anxious-looking Hermione.

"Hermione? Is there something wrong?"

Hermione nodded vigorously. "Harry, we have to leave _now_."

Ron furrowed his eyebrows. "But why? The party was just getting good!"

"You don't understand," said Hermione, shaking her head. "I was just examining the Time Turner, and there's an expiration date at the bottom!"

Harry frowned. "An expiration date? You mean the Time Turner only works for a short while?"

"Yes," said Hermione hastily. "That's why it was in a cereal box, it doesn't last very long!"

"But wouldn't that do a lot of damage if a kid got a hold of it and went back in time?" asked Harry curiously.

Hermione shrugged. "I guess. Don't ask me; I didn't write the story."

"Story?" questioned Ron.

"Never mind that now, we've got to leave; the expiration date is tonight! See?"

Hermione shoved the Time Turner under Harry's nose, and he took it, turning it over until he caught sight of small script that read:

Made in Japan

Ex Date: TONIGHT

"See?" said Hermione. "I told you it was tonight. We've got to go."

_"Aww,"_ whined Ron. "Can't we stay a little longer?"

"No."

_"Please?"_

_"No."_

"Pretty please with a cherry on top?"

"NO, RONALD."

Ron sighed resignedly. "Fine. Let's go."

"Yeah," agreed Harry. "But let's say goodbye first."

The Trio walked back to the Marauders and Lily, Harry in the lead.

James and Lily smiled as he approached.

"Hey guys," said Harry, throat tightening slightly. "Well, tonight's been real great. My friends and I had an awesome time. But it looks like we'll be heading back to…back to…"

"British Columbia," whispered Ron smugly.

"Right…British Columbia."

Sirius frowned. "You guys are leaving?"

"Yeah," said Hermione. "Rhonda's leaving too. She's coming with us to see the sights and all that."

Ron nodded.

"And I'll just walk them out," said Lupin hastily.

Sirius sighed. "I'll miss you guys. _Especially_ you two." Sirius winked suggestively at Ron and Hermione.

Hermione wrinkled her nose and turned to say her goodbyes to James and Lily. Ron turned a delicate shade of green, quickly edging away from the winking Sirius.

Harry turned to Sirius, surprising himself by enveloping Sirius in a large hug. "Goodbye, Sirius." Harry sniffed, knowing that he would never again see his godfather alive and healthy, standing before him.

Harry released Sirius, whose eyes were wide and curious. "See you later, Harry."

"You will," promised Harry, facing his parent's now.

"Goodbye, James, Lily. I'll really miss you guys, you've been great."

James shook his hand, returning his farewell and Lily gave a Harry a hug.

After that was done, Harry stepped back, watching his parents gaze lovingly at each other. "You know, I have a feeling about you two."

"I have a feeling too," said Lily, smiling at James.

James blushed.

"Listen, I gotta go, but I wanted to tell you that it's been…educational."

"Harry, will we ever see you again?" asked Lily.

Harry grinned. "I guarantee it."

"Well, Harry," said James. "I want to thank you for all your good advise; I'll never forget it."

"Right, James. Well, good luck you guys."

Ron and Hermione waved as Harry and Lupin made their way toward the exit, Harry fighting back tears. Now was not the time to get emotional; it was time to go.

oOoOoOo

Once again, the Trio found themselves standing in the Room of Requirement, this time with Lupin in tow.

"What an interesting choice of décor…" mumbled Lupin, squinting his eyes at the brightly-colored walls.

Ron smiled smugly.

Hermione lifted her wand to Lupin's forehead, hand shaking slightly. "Are you sure you want to do this, Remus?"

Lupin nodded gravely. "It has to be done. My memory must be erased. But I just want you three to know that I might forget you in my mind, but you'll forever be in my heart."

The Trio nodded miserably.

"Well, Goodbye, Harry," said Lupin sadly, shaking Harry's hand. "It's been fun."

"Yeah," agreed Harry. "I'll be seeing you later."

Hermione murmured the Memory Charm, and Lupin's face went suddenly blank. She waved her wand in a circular motion, and Lupin slowly closed his eyes, collapsing on the floor.

"What did you do?" asked Ron incredulously.

"I put him to sleep and implanted fake memories of the past week," replied Hermione, smiling dryly.

Harry nodded. "Good. Now, Ron, help me move him…"

Ron instantly went to Harry's side, and the two of them heaved Lupin off the floor, gently depositing him outside the Room of Requirement.

Hermione pulled out the two (solar-powered) watches and the Time Turner, and Harry watched her curiously as she preformed several complex-looking spells, transferring energy from the watches, to the Time Turner.

"Well," said Hermione cheerily, once she had finished. "We'd better get dressed and leave."

Harry and Ron nodded, and each of the Trio took turns dressing into their regular Hogwarts uniforms behind the curtain Hermione had conjured.

Harry glanced at his two friends; Hermione looked exactly as she had on the day they went back in time, but Ron still had long blonde hair, and a rather full chest.

"Um, Hermione…" said Harry, pointing to Ron.

"Oh, right." Hermione turned to Ron, pointing her wand at his head and muttering a few words. Ron's long hair rapidly shrunk and darkened into a fiery red color.

Hermione lowered her wand to Ron's chest, but Ron quickly covered them with his arms.

"Ron, what are you _doing?_"

Ron shook his head. "I'm keeping them."

Harry laughed. "You're not serious, are you?"

"I am too!" cried Ron, hugging himself. "I've grown rather fond of Jennifer and Sophie."

"You _named _them?" exclaimed Hermione, eyes wide.

"Ron," started Harry, attempting to talk some sense into his very strange friend. "You can't just walk around with _those!_"

"Why not?" asked Ron indignantly.

"Because…well…"

Hermione rolled her eyes. "It's just not right, Ronald. I'm afraid they'll have to go."

Ron sighed. "Yeah. I guess you're right. But…but can I have a few seconds…" Ron sniffed. "…to…to say goodbye?"

Hermione nodded.

Ron's lip trembled as he looked down at his breasts. "Jennifer…Sophie…you've been the best friends a girl could have…"

Harry arched an eyebrow, feeling genuinely concerned for his friend's mental and emotional health.

"…I'll miss you…don't you _ever_ forget me…"

Ron turned to Hermione, saying tearfully, "Do it."

He closed his eyes tightly as Hermione lifted her wand to Ron's chest again, softly murmuring the countercurse.

Ron sobbed into his shirt sleeve as his chest shrunk back to its normal, flat self.

Harry cleared his throat, feeling rather awkward. "Er…right. Now that that's done, let's get out of here."

Hermione nodded, pulling the chain over them and turning the Time Turner the appropriate number of times.

And without further interruption, a blur of colors and light swirled around them, and Harry felt himself spin around wildly until he was too dizzy and nauseous to think…

And then, just as suddenly, Harry felt his body collide with hard, rock-solid ground beneath them.

oOoOoOo

Harry groaned. His head was _throbbing…_

He heard Hermione and Ron moan beside him, and he felt a sudden wave of déjà vu as he sat up, rubbing his forehead. "Is everyone alright?"

Hermione struggled to get to her feet, since her legs were wobbling so much. "I think so…"

Ron grunted, sitting up. "Yeah."

Harry picked himself up, walking toward the door. "Come on; let's see if it worked!"

Hermione helped Ron to his feet and they followed Harry out the door.

Harry glanced around distractedly as he searched for something that he would recognize from his own time. But, to his disappointment, everything looked exactly the same as it had before they had left and while they were back in time.

"I can't tell where-when, I mean, we are…" mumbled Hermione, furrowing her eyebrows.

"Maybe we should go up the Gryffindor tower," suggested Ron.

"Good idea," agreed Harry, and he headed toward the tower, Ron and Hermione trailing behind him.

Once they had arrived at the Fat Lady's portrait, Harry was about to tell her the password, when a voice stopped him.

"Hey, Harry!" It was Neville Longbottom, and Harry had never been happier to see him in his life.

"_Neville!"_ cried the Trio simultaneously, tackling him to the ground.

"_Argh!"_ hollered Neville as Ron and Harry hugged him violently and Hermione kissed him repeatedly on the cheek.

Eventually, the Trio untangled themselves from poor Neville, standing aside to give him room to pant.

Neville stood up, swaying slightly. "Uh…what was _that_ for?"

"Oh, Neville!" exclaimed Hermione happily, hugging him tightly. "You'll never _believe_ what happened to us! We were _here_, then we were _there_, but now we're _here_ again! Oh, and it worked! _It worked!_"

Neville raised his eyebrows, an expression of utter confusion on his face. "…You know what? I don't think I'll ask…"

Harry gave him a wide grin. "So, what did you want to see me about?"

Neville bent over, picking up several large hockey sticks from the ground that Harry hadn't noticed before. "Oh, well I was gonna tell you guys that the weekly game of school-wide Rugby had just begun. Wanna play?"

"Rugby?" repeated Harry blankly. "But…Rugby isn't played with hockey sticks…"

Neville looked at Harry as though he had grown two heads. "_Not played with sticks? _I dunno where you guys went, Harry, but wherever it was, it sure did a number on your brain."

Hermione stared at Neville, eyes wide. "You mean to say that there's a _weekly_ game of school-wide Rugby? _Weekly? _As in _every week?_"

Neville nodded. "Yeah. It's been a Hogwarts tradition since before my parents went here. So, are you guys gonna play, or not?"

Harry shook his head, incredulous, as Ron beamed excitedly.

"Come on, guys!" exclaimed Ron, barely containing his enthusiasm. "Let's play!"

Neville smiled, handing each of them a hockey stick. "Let's go then, don't want to be late!"

'_Well,'_ mused Harry, holding the hockey stick in his hand. _'I suppose this isn't such a bad change, it might be fun. In fact…'_

Harry suddenly grinned wickedly, thinking of a certain blonde Slytherin he'd like to whack with a hockey stick a couple times.

THE E-

"WAIT!" cried Draco Malfoy, leaping onto the imaginary stage (for lack of a better word), his arms flailing.

Harry Potter walked briskly onto the…er…stage…, arms crossed. "…What the hell do you think you're doing, Malfoy?"

"None of your damn business, Potter," replied Malfoy smoothly, brushing non-existent dust off his robes.

Harry scowled. "I believe it is my damn business, _Malfoy_, as this is my story!"

"Your story?" scoffed Malfoy. "You wish, Potter."

"It _is _my story!" insisted Harry heatedly. "And besides, you're holding up the ending, so get your ferret face off the stage!"

"Ferret face? We're resorting to calling each other names now? How very childish."

"You're ruining my story!" barked Harry. "Get _off!_"

"Must it _always_ be about you, _Potty?_"

Harry growled. "First of all; no, it's not _always_ about me, second of all; look who's talking, and _third_ of all; GET YOUR ARSE OFF MY STAGE!"

"Touchy aren't we?" smirked Malfoy. "Look, if it'll get you to shut up, I'll tell you why I'm here. I need to speak with the author."

"The author?" repeated Harry bemusedly. "Why?"

"None of your business, Potter," drawled Malfoy lazily. "Now where is she?"

"How should I know?"

"I dunno; use your Scar Sense or something."

"Scar Sense? I do _not_ have a Scar Sense!" exclaimed Harry indignantly.

"Oh shut _up _already!" cried a voice from the left side of the stage. "I don't think China heard you yet if that's what you're going for!"

Malfoy and Harry simultaneously turned to stare into the black abyss that seemed to be the left stage.

"Who's there?" demanded Harry, pulling out his wand.

As if on cue, the author appeared, walking towards them whilst covering her ears. "Now, there's no need for that, it's only me. Really, have you two considered Anger Management classes?"

"Oh good you're here," sighed Malfoy, violently pushing Harry out of his way as he strutted toward the author. "I need to speak with you."

"Why?"

"_Why?_" repeatedly Malfoy disbelievingly. "You didn't put me in the story! Whatever happened to _my_ role?"

The author cocked an eyebrow. "Role? I don't remember ever planning to put _you_ in my story."

"_Your _story?" sneered Malfoy. "This should be _my_ story! In fact, _I _should be the main character! What with my dashing good looks and charming personality. Unlike _some_ people." Here he stared pointedly at Harry.

Harry scowled. The author snorted.

Malfoy turned back to the author, frowning slightly. "What are you snorting at? This is your fault anyway! You didn't even put me in the story! I didn't even get a _cameo!_"

"You weren't needed for the plot," smirked the author.

Malfoy snarled.

"However, you were mentioned a couple times," she added thoughtfully.

"In which you were insinuating that I was shagging Scarhead and Weasel!" shouted Malfoy angrily, face flushed.

The author suddenly started snickering, completely unabashed. Harry glared at the author.

Panting slightly, Malfoy managed to compose himself. "Not that I would be desperate enough to associate myself to such filth, I think I'd rather stuff my-WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING ABOUT WOMAN?"

The author's laughs subsided, due to the fact that she had stuffed her fist in her mouth in order to stifle her giggles.

"Don't you think we should end the story already?" asked Harry exasperatingly.

"Not until I find out why I wasn't in it!" spat Malfoy venomously.

"Zetus-lapidus, Malfoy," said the author, rolling her eyes. "Get a grip already! So you weren't in the story, big deal!"

"Yes it _is_," hissed Malfoy, hands on hips. "The readers should not miss the opportunity to read about someone as rich, handsome, heroic, handsome, charming, and devilishly handsome as me!"

Harry gagged behind Malfoy's back.

"You forgot vain," added the author, cocking an eyebrow. "Narcissistic much?"

"The readers will be _deprived_!" whined Malfoy.

The author massaged her forehead. "Okay, I think I've had enough."

"Impossible! No one can get enough of _me!_"

"I'm sorry you have to deal with this all the time," muttered the author sympathetically to Harry. "My condolences."

Harry nodded somberly.

"Right," began the author, frowning at Malfoy. "I've had enough of you and your whining. You will stop this instant, or I will be forced to do something rash."

Malfoy scoffed, crossing his arms. "What could _you _possibly do to _me?_"

"More than you can imagine…" smirked the author, a slightly manic look in her eyes.

"You can't do anything to me; I'm _rich_. Plus, I can sic my father on you."

The author rubbed her chin. "Hmm…I think I'm in the mood to write some Slash…how does Draco/Dumbledore sound?"

Malfoy gasped. "You wouldn't _dare_."

"Oh, but I _would_."

Malfoy's eyes narrowed. He appeared to be contemplating his options.

The author examined her fingernails.

"Fine," snarled Malfoy. "If you won't put me in your story by choice, how about a bribe?"

"I'm listening."

"Okay, so if you put me in your story, I'll…I'll let you kiss my shoes!"

The author wrinkled her nose in disgust. "Not a chance, Malfoy."

"Do you want me to beg?" offered Malfoy desperately.

"Go ahead," the author waved a hand. "See if it works."

Malfoy growled, his blonde hair starting to come out of its slicked-back state. "_Just put me in the bloody fanfiction you wench!_"

"How does a threesome sound?" asked the author mildly.

Malfoy's eyes widened. "NO! _no!_ I didn't mean it!"

"I'm thinking…Draco/Percy/McGonagall…"

"NO! Please! _Anything_ but that!!!"

"Okay, Draco/Harry then?"

Harry blanched. "Don't bring _me _into this! _I _wasn't the one who interrupted the ending!"

"Me and Potter?" scoffed Malfoy. "You wish, Potter."

"I didn't say it, Malfoy!"

"Oh come on Potter," drawled Malfoy, winking suggestively. "You know you have desires for me…I'm irresistible I know…"

"No way in hell, Malfoy."

"Come and get it, Potter…"

"Malfoy! Stop that! You're disgusting, you know that right?"

"Disgustingly…_sexy_."

"...Eugh, Malfoy! Oh Merlin…_don't lick your lips like that_…quit it!"

"What?" asked Malfoy innocently. "You don't like it when I do…_this?_" Malfoy closed his eyes, chin jutted upward slightly. Opening his mouth he revealed his tongue and dragged it across his lips, slowly and deliberately.

"I'm going to have nightmares for a year…" muttered Harry, eyes wide.

"Not nightmares Potter. _Fantasies!_"

Harry turned to the author, his expression murderous. "Make him stop."

"All you had to do was ask," grinned the author wickedly.

Suddenly, an oddly familiar Tooth Fairy dress appeared on Malfoy's person. Malfoy gasped, staring down at the frilly dress in horror.

"Nice dress, Malfoy," smirked Harry. "Looks good on you. Brings out your eyes."

"Stuff it, Potter."

"Now, shut up and leave, Malfoy, so we can finally end this thing before I do something worse," commanded the author, pointing to the right stage.

"What? No, I will not be bossed around by some lunatic muggle!"

The author leaned forward, eyes flashing dangerously. "I would oblige if I were you. Or do you want me to write some Slash…?"

"Shutting up."

"Too bad, Malfoy," sighed the author. "You make a great ponce…now, Harry, what do you say we end this thing before our reader's die of boredom? Or of Chlamydia, whichever comes first."

Harry sighed. "_Finally!_"

The author grinned and pointed to the curtains, which closed on cue. Unfortunately, a certain blonde Slytherin got caught by an oncoming curtain and toppled off the stage into a nearby (and rather conveniently-placed) pile of manure ("What the h-_GGGGGGGAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!"_).

Oh the Irony.

THE END!!! (It really is this time, I'm afraid.)

oOoOoOo

A/N: Hahaha, sorry; I just _had_ to add that last part in.

Draco: (glares furiously)

Author: (winks) You have to admit though; that last bit was _funny._

Draco: I _strongly _disagree with that sentiment. (scowls)

Author: You would, wouldn't you? Pathetic brat.

Draco: Sadistic maniac!

Well, can't argue with that one. Anyway…where was I? Oh, yes: THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU-(deep breath)-THANK YOU, THANK YOU TO ALL OF YOU WHO REVIEWED OR WILL REVIEW IN THE FUTURE AND I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!!!

Ahem…oh yes. I must thank my dear friend, _Imprint Of A Departed Soul_, for editing this for me! Have I thanked you properly yet, _Darling? _No? Well then, that can be easily remedied…(winks).

Oh, I'll miss you whoever you are! Come back soon! Or, if you prefer not to read the same chapter over and over again, you can check out some of my other stories! Don't you fret (or run away and hide in fear…); I will have more fics coming.

Muhahaha.

Until then!


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